Every year is the bloody same............

[LEMisafucker]

Its nice, but every year is the same - my mum and DD1 come to dinner, DD1 calls her DP to pick her up as soon as she has eaten (he goes to his parents) my mum is generally down in the mouth (will be worse this year i know) I miss my dad and DD2 plays with her toys. I am usually pissed by the time dinner is served, fraught and its always, without fail, late. The room is cramped everything has to be shifted around and its just well,, the same every year.

I have suggested eating out but DP and my DM not interested, can't say i blame them really as we wouldn't be able to afford to go anywhere decent as everywhere quadruples their prices on xmas day.

I'd like to go away somewhere, but we have dogs, couldn't leave my mum on her own.

I have no clue what to get DD2 for xmas, DD1 has already told me so thats her sorted. DD2 has everything anyway so i just don't know where to start and i'll probably end up buying stuff for hte sake of it anyway.............

I don't want to feel Bah humbug about it all, i want it to be exciting and happy time, but it just always seems to fall a bit flat iyswim. I'd invite DPs mum but she is miles away and doesn't drive, wont leave her DH who is in care home (understandable).

Can anyone help me get a bit more excited about it............
ideas for something different? doens't necc have to be xmas day but something for xmas eve, boxing day?

Can you really not leave your mum on her own? She sounds like she makes it miserable for everyone. But I have mother issues so may be projecting.

Would she be happier with other people/on a mini break/ etc etc

How old is your DD2?

That may be the key if she is still fairly young.

I have similar worries as this year for the first time in years my parents are coming for the day and although I feel it is the right decision overall, I am worried as they tend to be very apathetic and particularly my dad won't join in with anything so I feel like we are celebrating around them rather than with them IYSWIM?

I have spoken to my mum about it as she is much more enthusiastic about life in general (since she and dad went their separate ways - they are still very good friends so won't be a problem having them both). I am mainly focusing on the need to be enthusiastic for the sake of the DCs (4/6) and she was understanding about that.

I'm trying to arrange a few fun things that will hopefully get them a bit more involved - a jigsaw we can do as a family and an easier one dad can help my youngest with, some history related stuff that I know my mum will enjoy showing to my eldest, a few crafty bits (including colour your own placemat type things). Hoping to take a walk around the neighbourhood.

Decide what you want to do and tel people that is what happening if they come to you.

Why would you like?

A walk in the afternoon? Someone else to cook the meal? Perhaps have Christmas lunch as just your immediate family and invite visitors for a buffet tea.

Panto on boxing day or Christmas eve?

We have bought a film to watch Christmas evening.

A new board game.

Even if you aren't religious a trip to a Sunday morning service can be nice to get you out of the house.

When we just had one DC I would declare I was stopping working after tea So any visitors should help clear up and I had a lovely bubble bath with a new book and the door locked so I couldn't be pestered with questions I was being asked simply because it's easier to ask than decide yourself.

Would any of these help?

At the Least christmas dinner sounds stressful so buy as muh in as possible and if needs be ask for a financial contribution from your mum if she demands a home cooked meal.

Pre made stuffing is a thing of glory, prepared veg you bung in the oven. You could even get prepared chicken.

It's no good having the perfect meal and you being stressed.

We had the abomination which is turkey roll each year but it meant things were easier for mum and we never knew any different!

Remember it's an experience not a performance. You are a key participant of the day not the performer/director/facilitator.

Sorry if that sounded dictatorial.

I just feel so sorry for you running around after everyone. I really would implore you to consider what actually is necessary and then for those (your DP and DM) who have expectations give them jobs and make your expectations about their contributions very clear.

At the worst get four roast chicken ready meals and open the bubbly after breakfast.

You'll probably have a far happier day. Now all I need to do is to listen to my own advice.

That does sound like a horribly depressing way to spend the day

As others have said, reclaim the day. Decide what you would like and what funds allow and try and steer the day towards that.

If your DD1 has other commitments on Christmas Day and you can't get out of entertaining your mother, then perhaps do something special on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day? We have a pre-Christmas get together on one side of our family where we have a nice dinner (doesn't have to be complex or expensive, just add crackers etc!) then play secret santa where we buy each other amusing gifts for £5-10 and try and guess who gave who what. We play Christmas music, eat chocolates and play silly games. It's fun. Perhaps you wouldn't feel compelled to have your Mum to that?

Then on Christmas Day itself just keep it simple and carve out at least one thing for you (a walk/bath/etc).

Remember also that people feed off each others emotions. It sounds like your mother's apathy drags you all down. Could you fake merriment enough to counter that? It might encourage everyone else to join in a bit.

Could you go to your mum's house for a meal instead of you having her? Meal at gran's on Christmas Eve, then you have Christmas Day to do what you want. Or could you take the food to your DP's mum's and eat with her, there, near the care home?

The one thing you can change from your post is the amount you drink, match booze with glasses of water and you won't be pissed before dinner.

Gosh. Reading my op makes it sound quite grim its not. Its nice. To be fair dp helps with the cooking and my mum buys the turkey. Am thinking of a three bird roast but concerned it might be like turkey roll we always pay a fair bit for the bird anyway so happy to pay for something decent. Dd2 is a young 8 so dhe likes to play with her toys of course she is reaching the age there is less to play with. Id put my foot down and insist on a meal out but my mums back is bad she may not be able. I like the idea of Xmas eve panto. Could maybe do olympia but its a long day and dd might get bored. I love it but get horse broodiness. Some good ideas I just find it a bit of a non event and id like to make it special

my aunt hates cooking, esp Christmas. Then she discovered M&S. The stress has been massively reduced and she enjoys it more now. Going out asap is a great idea.

LEM have you tried games of any sort?

I have had difficult characters to deal with and I do find the best times we have had are those where we have played games, ie stopped the usual conversation.

But people need to be willing to make a fool of themselves.

I would save up to go out, yes places put the prices up but some places not by THAT much...My DF has bad everything and manages to get out.

I've sort if resigned myself to Christmas Day being a bit if a drag. FiL comes (late) and is gloom personified. My mum witters on. All the prep and cooking.

I've decreed Boxing Day is my day. Don't leave the house. Stay in pjs. Read book.

But yes, thinking about what you want from the day is a good idea.

We tend to have Xmas dinner at a local hotel/restaurant on Xmas Eve - it's still Xmassy, with crackers and stuff, but normal price. That way, there's no pressure to produce the perfect Xmas dinner on the day, so it can all just be about the DC. And if they want to eat a selection pack for breakfast, then let them; it's not as if it's going to ruin their dinner!

Would it cheer things up a bit if you invited your dd's dp to you after lunch instead of her disappearing? And then plan some nice family things to do altogether. I've found that when my df starts being miserable then the best thing is to completely ignore him and carry on being jolly as though he's behaving normally!

I would focus being a family in the morning/dinner time, then going your separate ways afterwards.

Let DD1 go off with her partner, let DD2 play with her toys, tell your DM to sod off, and you and your DP go hide in your bedroom

How old is DD1 and DD2? Can they do the cooking?

I presume DD1's DP is having lunch at his parents, or does he go there for the full day and pick up DD to join them? I was just thinking that if he could be persuaded to have lunch with you all it might just shift the mood a bit, people are more likely to make an effort to cheer up when there is a person there they don't know well. Is there a reason why your mum will be more down in the mouth this year, is it the first Christmas without your dad? Of course you will miss him, but speaking as one who lost both parents in the same year, one only weeks from Christmas, I couldn't let it dominate the day for the rest of my relatives. So we had a toast at the start of Christmas lunch to remember them, and tried to enjoy the day as best we could. (Although I wasn't cooking, as I went to my Aunt and Uncle's.)

Make life easier for yourself on the cooking front. Prepare all the veg ready for the next day. Cook the turkey the day before as well, slice and
refridgerate, re-heat on the day in the oven, in a casserole dish with gravy. Make homemade stuffing well in advance and freeze, some for the turkey and some in a foil tray or ovenproof dish so that when thawed it can go straight in the oven.

You have dogs, the perfect excuse to get out of the house for a bit, and a break from the atmosphere if you are getting fed up.

Definitely book something to look forward to. If you have a fun Christmas eve and Boxing day, regard Christmas day as a 'rest' in between where you have a big lunch and relax. I also think you would all benefit from shortening the amount of time your mum is with you on the day if at all possible, I think the expectations of Christmas day are so high that it can all seem a bit flat sometimes, and I think your mum might enjoy shorter, but more frequent visits over the Christmas period.

Right, if I was you, i'd get on to Waitrose/ocado website, order lots of stuff you just stick in the oven at set times so it will be ready on time, or within a 30 minute window.

Do you have a wii or another games control? Buy your DD2 a dance or sports type game, and get everyone playing it in the afternoon, volunteer yourself if need be. (If your mum has a face like a slapped arse, ignore her).

You say your DD1's MIL won't leave her DH in the care home on his own on Christmas day (fair enough) but will they be there all day? Could you invite them for a buffet tea/evening, so instead of DD1's DP driving from there to collect your DD1 and then going back in the afternoon, he could just bring his mum over to join you (offer to put them up if you can). Any other local friends you could invite over for a glass of mulled wine in the evening? (particularly if they also have older DCs who might be visiting their DPs in the evening). For the evening, line up some parlor games (breaks the ice) or more wii dance type games.

I'd also arrange a big boxing day walk in the country, perhaps pack a hot picnic (soup etc) and take with you. With both DDs being that bit older, you can start new traditions that are a bit more grown up.

Im liking the waitrose idea :)

It was my MIL that i was talking about with her DH my FIL in the care home - the trouble is, they live over an hours drive away so its not feasible.

DDs DP goes to his mum but generally comes and plays with DD2s toys in the morning

My mum was actually quite receptive to the idea of xmas lunch out, DP is and i am retty much talkng myself out of it, considering that we would probalby be looking at a £300 bill for xmas lunch that i couldn't garuntee was going to be wonderful, i think im going to go for the days around xmas and changing those - so maybe a panto, olympia if i can afford it or maybe a trip to that xmas thing in hyde park on boxing day? Its what you make of it i guess and every year it sort of creeps up on me, i want to make this year different, but not too different really

We either go skating or to local arts theatre xmas play on Christmas eve.
We hate turkey so have chicken!
Family trivial pursuit is good from 8 years up.
Walk on Christmas day is always helpful
Lower your expectations, how would you feel about a week off with a family meal and presents ...adjust your feelings to that level.
If dd is a young 8 you could do some fun santa stuff? Footprints in the garden, pretending you hear sleigh bells, wrapping paper over living room door, anything you like...?
Or go all out for charity...I will be spending time with a family I met through my volunteering with Homestart-that will be one of the high points of my Christmas.