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Original poster

Worried about Xmas already - dp vs dm

11 replies

awakemysoull · 27/09/2013 11:38

Every year I spend Christmas day at my parents or grandparents house. It's my dms birthday on Xmas day. I always have done even before having dcs. The past 4 years I have had dd1 and my family love having their granddaughter there on Christmas day. We are a very close family. This year I will also have dd2 so they are really excited about having the 2 of them there.

Dp does not get on with my family at all. They don't like each other (reasons that would take up a whole thread) but my parents and grandparents have always been pleasant to him and invite him round and to all family events. He refuses to go and won't even entertain the idea of making peace with them.

This year he wants all of us to stay at home and have Christmas day just the 4 of us.

I'm not so keen. The past 3 years we have been a couple involved him being in a mood as soon as Christmas eve came round. Our first Christmas together was a bit awkward because I had bought him a whole load of gifts and he hadn't even bothered to get me a card. He didn't buy me anything at all and I don't give to receive but I was very hurt. I have now realised that he will never buy me a gift for anything because he just doesn't do it. I've never had anything on Christmas, birthdays etc. I can let that go but I'd like his company on Christmas day.

I want to spend Christmas day at my parents house and they will be hurt if I decline and spend the day at home.

Dp won't go to his family because he hates it and doesn't do family events at all.

How can I compromise on this?

Morning with dp/afternoon with parents was what I was thinking but that would leave dp at home himself all afternoon/evening and cause a row.

I might just cancel the whole thing altogether and it's only September.

I know this is very much a first world problem and that I'm very lucky to have a choice

OP posts:
ringaringarosy · 27/09/2013 11:42

I would go to your mums,it sounds like hes being a nob tbh,and you wont be missing out on much by leaving him at home,make it clear hes welcome at your mums but thats where you are going to be.

cooeeyonlyme · 27/09/2013 11:42

I think your should stay at home with your Dp and Dc's this year. It's only fair to your dp.

paperclipsarebetterthanstaples · 27/09/2013 11:43

Sounds like a nightmare... I assume it's his fault that he doesn't get on with your family? I can understand him wanting a family (as in you, him and dc) but will he actually celebrate and enjoy the day? If so then i think you should maybe do so for this year. If not then go to your mum. Could you compromise and have the day he wants on Christmas eve or boxing day?

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty · 27/09/2013 11:47

He sounds a barrel of laughs 24/7. Hates family events, doesnt buy gifts, gets on with more or less nobody.... I would rather be with my family!

Chocotrekkie · 27/09/2013 11:48

If he is going to be in a mood all day then I would leave him to it.

Last year I felt my dd who was 9 had lost a lot of the Christmas magic - didn't want to leave mince pie out, reindeer food etc so please make their day when they are young as happy and magical as possible.

Also if you stay at home are you going to be slaving away cooking a dinner on your own ?

Are you in charge of the kids presents ?

Why don't you say "don't bother getting me anything and I won't buy for you" ?

Don't feel guilty - its his choice not to celebrate (and not buying your wife so much as a card and a box of chocs is not celebrating it in my book)

WaitMonkey · 27/09/2013 11:56

He sounds awful. Go to your parents. He sounds like he will make Christmas miserable for everyone.

attheendoftheday · 27/09/2013 12:04

Normally I would be advocating taking turns between what you each want to do, but he sounds like a miserable git so I'd go somewhere pleasant.

Can you talk about the present thing? He sounds very mean. My dp does not naturally think about giving presents, but (after the first couple of years of our relationship) understands that it's important to me so makes an effort. Surely your dp could do the same?

NannyPlumForPM · 27/09/2013 13:38

I think it is very dependent on the DP in question. Mine in particular (obviously I can't speak for awaken) just thinks that christmas is over commercialised and therefore does not buy gifts.

He also would be MORE than grumpy being made to spend the day in my mothers company, as I would spending the day with DMiL. We have always spent the day at home and it has been wonderful.

awaken I think it really does depend on if YOU feel that you would miss out on 'christmas magic' or whether your DP likes the day and spending time with the children, and would WANT to have christmas at home. It is possible (and I whisper this) that he is less involved in christmas because it is taken away from him if you go to your mums? My mum can be extremely overpowering and this is what my DP struggles with, so when we have a lovely relaxed christmas he is much happier.

I think gift giving is subjective and isn't neccessarily as important as enjoying a lovely day

girlywhirly · 27/09/2013 14:52

Awaken, I am worried that your DP will start to control what you and the DC do every Christmas from now on. The fact that he shuts himself away from your and his families, cannot even give you a small gift for Christmas and birthday, and seems to have no social skills from what you've said sounds really unpleasant to me. Look more closely at the reasons why he and your family don't get on, and be careful that he doesn't isolate you from them.

If he wants to celebrate Christmas at home with you and the DC, will help with the meals and play with the DC without bad temper that is one thing; if he is just trying to keep you all there and away from others that is entirely different.

brass · 27/09/2013 15:55

as others have said I was going to suggest it's only fair to alternate xmas between family and just the 4 of you but from what you describe leave him to it!

Why are you even putting up with him not buying gifts for your birthday etc? Does he bother at all for the DC?

Original poster
awakemysoull · 28/09/2013 15:16

Thanks for all your replies I have only just managed to get back online

We would not celebrate it just the 4 of us. Dd1 is 4 now and she is just starting to understand santa and Christmas so she will be super excited. I can see him being pissed off with the noise etc and spending the day in his bed.

He sounds awful he isn't he is just anti social and prefers to spend Christmas by himself. I won't be eating anyway (Cambridge plan) so it doesn't matter where I have Xmas dinner.

I'm going to go to my family and have a brilliant day

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