Present for the recently bereved

[whateveritakes]

Just found out that my close friend has lost her husband. Not unexpected as he had been ill but she is in shock this close to Christmas.
I had already got her a Christmas present but it seems a bit lame now (Missoni handtowel and nice handwash). I want to get something to show I care but without being too jolly if you know what I mean.
What do I send/give her (she very chic and a bit quirky with a god sense of humour under normal circumstances.

Having been in a similar position, I would hold on to the presents that you have bought and maybe keep them for her birthday.
Perhaps a nice photo frame and a thoughtful card, def not a traditional xmas one tho.

Next time you speak to to your friend, ask her what she wants. Say you have bought a present for her and are not sure whether she'd like it now or at a later date. Honestly, talking to people and asking what they want in these sorts of situations is (usually) good thing. My husband died a couple of weeks before my birthday. I really appreciated the people who gave me lovely gifts/cards. Not necessarily photos, just nice things for me.

When writing her card, please take a moment to choose your words carefully. As a recently bereaved widow, it can be quite hard to read cheery, "have a fantastic 2013!!!" type messages. I guess what I mean is to acknowledge her loss and wish her much peace and love.

You sound a lovely friend, I am sure she will find much comfort through you.

Could you get tickets for the theatre or something for you both to go to in the New Year? Nice to have a date in the diary.

Thank you there are some good thoughts here.

I had already sent the Christmas card but I need to send a sympathy one. I also don't know what to do about flowers. There are so many around this time of year but do you avoid obvious Christmas ones or not?

I don't feel like I am doing enough - she lives quite far away but she is very lovely and I really feel for her. The trip is a good idea actually as she has been quite restricted after nursing her husband for the past year.

Re: flowers, if you are sending flowers to her for herself you can specify at the florist what you would like, not overly Christmassy, and they will make a bouquet up for you to take to her if you are going to visit that isn't restricted in flower choices like Interflora. You will also find that white and red flowers are more expensive at Christmas as they are more in demand.

If you mean funeral flowers they don't tend to be Christmassy at all unless that is what the family wants.

I have wrapped my step fathers presents, we lost my mum four weeks ago and he is working 2 double shifts over christmas as he doesnt feel capable of being at home. I wont be putting a card in or tags on the presents but i bought him a cheeseboard and some other selections of cheeses thinking that even if he isnt in the mood for presents its practical and he will have some food over the festive season. and also he loves cheese

Whatever, I promise you, even if you were 50 yards down the road you would feel like you weren't doing enough. Of course, the only thing someone who has been recently bereaved is to have their loved one back, so whatever we do is never going to be enough - because no-one can ever make that happen.

Does your friend have children? If so, could you offer to go up one weekend and help them? If not, how about a night or two away with her? That is something I have relished since DH died. Every couple of months I have a night or two at a lovely hotel either alone or with a friend. 2 nights for me now = about 2 weeks away!

Also, if your friend is under 50, please point her in the direction of WAY (widowed& young). It's a great organisation.

Be prepared to be with your friend in 3, 6, 12 months, or even a couple of years. Grieving is a funny beast and it hits you when you least expect it.

Waiting, I am so sorry to hear about your mother xx