Buying presents for DC. Would you mind if someone said this?

[PollyDodo]

Dc are really lucky that we have quite a few friends and family members that will buy xmas presents for them both. Several usually ask me for ideas and opinions on what to buy. Do you think it would sound rude or ungrateful if I said something along these lines to them:

-Please, please do not buy anything with lots of small parts. They just get scattered around the house and DC quickly lose interest in the toy. I spend more time on finding/sorting the parts than they ever do on playing with them.

-No large presents. They look impressive and exciting but are really impractical as we only have a small house with limited storage. We already have multiple scooters, doll's prams/buggies/cradles, art easels, play houses etc. When it needs to be unfolded and assembled every time and then dismantled again afterwards, it looses its fun factor and gets played with less often.

-Also I feel the need to remind some people to buy for both DC equally, not just in value but also in the thought that has gone into it. They do notice and it upsets both of them.

In fact IMO they have enough toys already, many of which don't really get played with very much. What my DC would really appreciate would be a gift of your time. They would love it if you took them for a day out somewhere, it doesn't have to be expensive, it could be a trip to the park/beach/woods. Or even an afternoon spent playing play-do with them or reading stories together.

Would you mind if someone said this to you and what would you think about it?

I always suggest people buy the DC craft stuff, becuse it gets used up instead of clogging up the house with more 'stuff'
I'd be more positive, instead of a list of don'ts how about nicely suggesting a few types of things that would go down well?

I actually don't think it's that's bad

Maybe just exlde the value bit, and shorten a little

We live in a tiny place ( 1bed, 4 people), we can't fit a large dolls house/ scooter/ singing cooker anywhere so it would be pointless if someone brought as we would have to give away even if it was lovely. Where as if someone asked I could say, a small folding table top cooker/ dolls house figures to go in existing small house etc..

I read the OP as basically saying "I don't like / can't be bothered with most presents my DC are 'lucky' enough to receive. I'd really like someone to babysit them every now and then though'.
And as for dictating how much thought is put into present selection - I find that extraordinary.

I would mind if I was presented with such a comprehensive list of instructions after asking for ideas... and I'm a fan of things like this.

We live in a flat and the DDs have titchy bedrooms so, if are asked for ideas, I tend to say, "something small enough to be kept in DD1/2's bedroom". If asked for specifics I'd go into more detail but not merely on being asked for ideas!

If someone lectured me on buying equally for both DCs I'd be less than impressed; what I choose to give one child may well cost more than what I choose for the other but there will have been lots of thought involved in both selections.

You just sound rude.

If you said this to me, I wouldn't be buying your children anything. Certainly wouldn't be babysitting them for you.

Thanks for all your replies. it looks like the consensus is to not mention those things. I am really bad at judging whether something I say/do would be considered rude by another person, so posting on here is really helpful in that respect.

If it makes a difference I haven't actually said any of these things to anyone and as most people expect me, have done all their shopping already this year, I was just thinking about future years. Also I wasn't just suggesting printing that list and handing it over, obviously I would try to put it more subtly and I would (and always have done in the past) give specific suggestions rather than a list of 'don'ts' I just didn't write those in the OP as I was already sure it is an ok thing to say when asked.

I think I haven't explained a couple of things properly and given the wrong impression too. I'm not looking for a babysittter, when I say giving them time I meant for example DS would enjoy 1 hour of being pushed on a swing far more than the unopened box of lego that has been on his shelf since last xmas. Sorry to the PP who mentioned lego, my DC just don't get the idea of lego, although DD quite likes to put bits of it in her mouth!

When I said to treat them equally, I am talking about some obvious cases of favouritism e.g. one person sending 6 (1 is more than enough) presents for DC, 1 for DS and all the others for DD. Maybe people think that was fair but my DC did not agree. Another time a family friend was invited to a joint birthday party but only brought a card/gift for DD and nothing for DS, not even name written in the same card. There are more examples of this but thats's going off topic.

Anyway thanks for all your opinions, I was really hoping that suggesting some slightly unconventional gifts could be a possible solution, but I now know that it would be unacceptable and sound rude which is not the impression I wanted to give at all.

I would tell people to buy whatever they liked unless I could think of a particular thing my DC's wanted. If it was unsuitable I would either keep it util the DC were older or take it to the charity shop.

You may regret trying to make everything fair for your DC. I would tell my DC off if they questioned what presents they were given. I would tell them it is rude and ungrateful. Its horrible if they compare everything. Sometimes it makes sence for one DC to get a fancier gift than the others, for example, if only one of them needed a new bike.
If your DC's are old enough to notice the difference between presents then they should be old enough to know that it is rude to mention it.

You really mustn't say what you write in your OP. it would be very ungrateful.

Try giving positive suggestions rather than negatives:

'Both DCs are getting into books, so please choose a fave book from your childhood'

'Both DCs are desperate for dressing gowns, it would be a brilliant help.....'

'Both DCs adore going to the cinema, a gift voucher would be a real treat..'

Etc.

DC were not rude about anything, they just simply decided to share the presents and play with them together. They don't compare everything, but when someone comes to your joint party, gives one child a gift and not the other, of course they will notice.

I am actually genuinely surprised that people think 2 siblings should not be treated the same by their own family I'm not saying its all about the cost and spending exactly the same £ on each child, that would be ridiculous. But would you really think it was fair to buy 1 child a matchbox-type toy car and buy their similarly aged sibling a nintendoDS, plus 4 extra games? When you knew both children wanted one (but certainley didn't need one) and you hadn't been told to get this present for either one or even had it suggested. Why not just buy them both a car? Or if you want to spend loads then buy the nintendo as a joint gift or get 2 but with no extra games for around the same cost.

This does not seem right to me, maybe thats because I am crap at social imagination but I do not understand why someone would choose to do it.

Anyone want to explain it to me?

I know what you mean about a million tiny pieces, exactly, but....it could sound very rude and ungrateful. I used to hate the fancy lego sets for son and the barbies for daughter, but what can you do? at least people want to buy them presents!

I think the equal presents thing works like this:

DD1 wants a hula hoop for main present
Dd2 wants a fancy electronic dog that walks

One costs 3.99 (hoop) and the other 39.99 but I don't feel the need to spend another 35 quid on DD1 because she is getting that she really wants.

Children do need to learn that life is not fair.

Greythorne but if both DDs asked for a walking dog and you just bought it for DD2, then also bought her the walking cat, rabbit and sheep too but didn't buy it for DD1 even though you could have if you didn't buy the extra animals for DD2.

Would you think that was equal?

Would you say 'oh well now DD1 will learn that life is not fair'?

Taking your children out for a whole day is a huge ask and I would not ask it.

Your other requests sound more peeved than polite as you have worded them.
How about a light 'Nothing with small parts as I tend to hoover them up and the children get disappointed when we can't find them'?
Or 'They're growing out of large plastic type toys now but they really like [insert appropriate category here] DS especially likes X and DD really likes Y sort of activities if you're stumped and let me take this opportunity to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your generosity and thoughtfulness.'

I like Greythorne's ideas too -- suggesting the same sort of gift means you kill two birds with one stone here as the gifts will be comparable. However, I also agree with Cahootz that if the children are old enough to notice differences among gifts then they are old enough to be taught politeness and that nobody is entitled to a gift.

In the case of one child getting more than the other -- do your friends do this a lot or just occasionally? If they do it a lot that is just very odd. If I were you, and your friends and rellies are really that odd, I would keep a small supply of reasonably nice but inexpensive presents suitable for boy and girl wrapped and tucked away somewhere for emergencies. That way you could easily tell the DCs the Nintendo (for instance) was a joint gift because Aunty ABC left [insert previously hidden gift] for DD and new gift for DS so the Nintendo was a joint gift with games she thought would appeal to both of you just to start you both off.

In the case of the party, is it possible the friend didn't realise it was for both children? Whose birthday was closer? Maybe you could avoid the compare and contrast thing that seems to go on if you were to throw two parties? Do you do a lot of joint events? Would the children like an event each? Would this diminish the competitive thing that seems to have developed?

In my previous posts I said I do suggest gifts if asked, but neither me nor the DC expect anything and they are always grateful and polite when they do. I also said that the things I wrote in the OP where definitely NOT how I waould say it to anyone, if I said anything at all.

Nowhere have I mentioned the DC are competitive because nothing could be further from the truth. My DC love and care each other. They get upset over what they perceive to be an injustice to the other, so when I say upset this is through sympathy for the less favoured rather than jealous of the most favoured child.

Anyway I started this thread to ask if it was acceptable to give suggestions of non material gifts on behalf of my kids if asked for ideas, because actually they do not need or particularly want any more toys and stated that some things they get given are well meant but inappropriate. Well I've been told no I can't do that. And I've learnt that treating siblings more or less favourably than the other is normal and even beneficially. If thats true then I'm glad my DC are being brought up an alternative way.

How often does it happen that one child gets mulitple presents to the value of 3x and the second child gets one present to the value of x?

Honestly, I have never seen that happen in our family / circle of friends.

Last year my nephew got a huge table football game that must have cost $$$ from some relatives, whilst my DDs got nice, but modest gifts from the same (very nice, generous) couple. I obviously noticed in passing (otherwise I would not be writing this post!) but did not mind and my DDs did not notice (all the cousins opened their presents together). But if they had, I would have explained that's how it works sometimes.

If you really have family who regularly buy presents in a very unequal fashion, that's strange and I would try to even it up a bit. And I would orobably try to make the point in front of the present-givers, along the lines of "ooooh, what a wonderful present, it must be a jont present, right? That is so kind, let's share, sharing is what we do, thank you so much for being so generous...."

Kind of feel sorry for OP here! She's asked for advice and has had some harsh comments! Yes, it may come across as rude to you but can't you see the frustration from a mother here? Who has in the past been given gifts that are unsuitable for many reasons and I think we've all had a child have a temper tantrum over a toy, shame that it's because one child got one thing bigger/more expensive. I always try to give gifts that look equal unless kids are old enough to understand the difference - small doesn't mean cheaper.
Why not write down a list of toys/games you would like and offer a selection to your friends when they ask.

Wow, I didn't realise those examples of differences/favouritism would be so extreme. That's awful, and no wonder you are pissed off with it :( is it always the same child that gets less?

I do think this favouritism is an entirely separate issue from the rest of your list, and needs tackling separately. TBH it warrants its own thread (I have seen similar on MN before :(). Unfortunately, if these friends/relatives are so blind they can't actually see what message they are giving your DCs by regularly giving these vastly different gifts, or perhaps they know but don't care, then I doubt telling them is going to make a difference :(

Fuzzpig is right and I think this is dripfeeding a bit tbh

We assume you are talking about normal stuff and normal families. You need to spell it out (and I think on a thread all of its own) if someone is just being plain weird

So, my main advice is the same - think of a few actual things, ticket to the zoo etc, to ask for. Don't say all the rest, altho we all sympathise

As for giving one child (similar age - this is important) a ds with 4 games, and the other a small toy car, this is not acceptable and needs to stop. This has happened in my family, not to us, and it was done by someone who is not a nice person, to show favouritism. I would stamp on that and re-distribute the gift as a 'shared' gift or give it back. But a separate thread for this would give you lots of advice.

I am really bad at judging whether something I say/do would be considered rude by another person, so posting on here is really helpful in that respect.

I sort of wish you'd said this in your OP.
My Mum's like this, she normally runs stuff past me before she says/emails it in sensitive situations. Or any situation really, because she can really make a mess of stuff.
Have I missed how old your DC are? Only, if the one getting the matchbox car is under 3, then it s/he might not care that they're not getting masses spent on them.
Might it all even up when they're older?

But would you really think it was fair to buy 1 child a matchbox-type toy car and buy their similarly aged sibling a nintendoDS, plus 4 extra games?

Wow! That is very, very extreme. If someone had done that to my DC's I would have immediately said to the DC's that they were joint presents. I would also tell them to treat Auntie X's or whoevers presents as joint presents from then on.

Hi pollydodo I think a gift of time would be a great idea. Perhaps next year they could write a letter each along the lines of
christmas is a lovely time for giving, we love the presents, but we love the people who give us them more, so this year we would like your time for Christmas, we would like to do one of the follow with you (insert trip to park/beach/woods) love mini pollydodo.

It is weird to have children who feel injustice on behalf of each other about the disparity of value of gifts given.

For Christmas, My dad gives expensive gifts to my older DC and nothing to youngest. I encourage lack-of-gift for youngest, as we really don't need more "stuff". NLB is 4yo & won't notice, nor will his siblings. He'll get a gift when he's old enough to care.

It is not weird to have children who feel injustice about the disparity of value of gift given!! Outraged!!

I have to admit to being one of those children, I would always share my pocket money when given more by one of my grandparents, as it is not, imo, fair to give them different amounts depending on who is your favourite. I also used to get very upset about the presents thing. One year, least favourite grandson got given a toaster. He was about 7. That's a shit present for a 7 year old. I got a stereo. I felt so sorry for him. Sometimes children can see perfectly clearly what adults appear not to - it is a form of bullying and favouritism.

Certainly is in the other family incident. Granny has a row with grand-daughter cos grand-daughter pulls her up on the way she slags off her mum all the time. Grand-daughter gets a five pound book for xmas, grandson gets an xbox plus games. Think there's no message there from granny dearest? Of course, grand-daughter is upset, but actually it can be pretty shit being the 'favoured child' as well, and an ethical dilemma. Stand up to granny cos she's a cow, share the xbox with sister, get nothing next year, or be selfish and suck up more to granny to get more presents next year?

I'd rather have the 'weird' child who sees the injustice and feels bad for their sibling, actually

Rl example, but not my direct family. I'd never allow that to happen to my kids

Of course, it depends on age. A 3 year old can be given a balloon and be perfectly happy

Weird children are often preferable, true, but that doesn't stop them from being weird.

And most importantly, of course, it depends on intent. Are they just a horrible cowbag showing favouritism and playing people off against each other, which kids are perfectly capable of picking up on, or are they normal loving family members who just happen to spend different amounts of money on the kids depending on age and what they need/want.