Help the in-laws are coming

[paganie]

My lovely FIL, grumpy MIL and FIL sister all want to stay for 6 days over Xmas because they live 3 hrs away. I don't mind cooking for everyone but I really can't cope with MIL's mood swings and laziness in clearing up/helping and am dreading another xmas. My husband and teenage daughters all help as does my mother who is happy to stay only 3 days.
I would love to refuse to say no this year as we have been doing this for over 10 years but my FIL is terniminally ill and this may be his last Xmas. How do stop feeling so on edge about her mood swings and cope with her laziness?

Get out of the house as much as possible, arrange a few other things over those days i.e you WILL have to fend for yourselves on x y and z as we have already made arrangements.

Lower your standards for a few days regarding the house (she obviously isn't bothered). If she throws a strop remove yourself from the situation (nip to the shops/ take the dog for a walk etc etc, don't be around to feed the drama).

Others may come along with better suggestions or alternatively offer to fund a B and B (if you can afford it?)

Copious amounts of sherry? Sorry, I know that's not helpful'
I think you have a couple of choices, either you or DH speak to her about her behaviour and given FIL's health wouldn't it be nice if we could make it as good a Christmas as possible without tantrums and tiaras?...or words to that effect?
Or you try and rise above her ridiculousness and concentrate on making FIL happy? I realise this could be difficult.
What are your thoughts on what you want to do?

Doris has wise ideas.

That sounds really hard. Can you enlist the help of your DH and DDs to take her out for an hour or so to give you a break? To a garden centre or for a walk or something? Perhaps you could also pre-arrange to meet a friend for coffee/ drop off presents etc alone just to give you some space mentally.
As for helping out, most likely you'll have to just drink grin and bear it, unless you are willing to ask her directly to help.
Try not to let her get to you as dificult as it may be. I'm sure the others really appreciate the efforts you make.
God luck.

x-post with others. Sorry.

Hi Doris and Mincepie...great name,

Thanks both for youre thoughts and ideas that seem very sensible, especially getting out of the house and planning other things that mean "fending for yourself" that could really work, especially as she doesn't like to go out at all.

Last Xmas after cooking breakfast, a roast lunch, helping to clear up etc, I finally collapsed on sofa at 6pm - at 8pm MIL asked what time I would get tea out as it was getting late!!!! argghh, I could have throtteld her......

Oh dear Paganie you have my full sympathies. What a difficult situation.

I wonder what causes your MIL's mood swings? Is it related to FIL's illness or has she always been like this?

My ILs are quite difficult too and we have had great success with simply ignoring/stonewalling bad behaviour. I have accepted that I can't change them but I have changed the way I react to them and it feels much better. What would happen if you or dh briskly and cheerily asked her to help clear up? Would it be possible for dh to say something like "Come on Mum, let's get this table cleared"?

Also wholeheartedly agree with previous suggestions of going out etc. Can you afford to eat out for some of the meals?

Do they really have to come for 6 whole days?? That is an incredibly long time to house/feed/entertain guests. We're going to my brother's which is 4+ hours away for 2-3 nights!

Do you have to agree to six days? I'd try to get them down to 3 days - the same ones as your mum - and have excuses/things arranged for the days before and after.

I don't if this would help but often at Christmas we do 2 main meals a day: late breakfast/brunch and then a big meal at say 4pm. There might be nibbles or cheese in the evening but this really cuts down the amount of work.

Hi DewDr0p
Mood swings are down to depression that she has suffered for 20 years. She doesn't know FIL is terminally ill as FIL doesn't think she would cope with knowing; as far as she is concerned he will make a full recovery. To compound the situation she finds getting out of the house (and ours) almost impossible so we have only booked one meal out and she will stay at home while we eat out. (I know I sound selfish leaving her behind but it is the first time we have done so). I will talk to DH about shortening their stay and see if he or I can muster up the courage to raise this with her. Many thanks to you all.

Dew Drop, I meant to say thanks for the brunch/big meal suggestion - a great idea that I will use x

paganie, I do feel for you. It can be incredibly difficult coping with someone who has long-standing depression. I do think that she has probably got into a pattern of behaviour that means she doesn't want to do anything and it comes across as lazy. Such people need to be persuaded to do things and so directly asking her to help with things is the way to go. Encouraging her to get out on a walk (physical activity) is known to benefit depressed people.

I do wonder also whether her depression is being managed well by medication, if she doesn't know about FIL she will need all the help she can get to cope when the time comes, so could DH find out when her last medication review was and try to get her some support from the GP. She may need anti anxiety meds too if she finds getting out of the house stressful.

If you really don't think you can cope with 6 days, by all means raise the subject of shortening the visit.

Just tell them they can't come for 6 days, try cut it down to 4.

6 days is way too long.