To buy or not to buy for an unborn baby for xmas? WWYD?

[mummy1986]

My BIL and his gf are having a baby in April 2013.
They have just brought a houe which is well beyond their means, have trouble keeping up with the mortgage repayments and are already in arrears with council tax.
I suggested to dp that instead of buying them christmas gifts this year we buy practical things for the baby, he agreed.
Suggested to bil and gf and they went slightly mental!
Surely they would be grateful that we want to buy our unborn niece/nephew things?
I know it sounds harsh not buying for them, but they are soooo skint. (My mil is buying the pram, they are having our cot, changing table and all nursery bedding changing mat etc.)
I thought i was being helpful, or do you think not?

They just laugh!
I am seriously worried about all of them really, dp says he's an idiot for getting himself in that situation.
But its happened now and we all have just got to make the best of it for the baby's sake really.

I have offered my help, making lists etc as i have 2 dd most recent is 16 months so have recent experience and i just get abuse from her!

I was a young mum and I would have really appreciated you buying something practical- we didn't have much money either. But this poor girl sounds very scared. I'd be worried about her.

I really am. Bil was on the phone to mil monday about their latest midwife app, and bil maybe not getting time off to take her (as she cant drive).
Mil says if you cant get time off, i'll take her.
Gf screams in background "NO WAY IS SHE TAKING ME FFS THIS IS FING RIDICULOUS IF THE BABYS CAUSING ALL THIS HASSLE I'M GOING PING GET RID OF IT".

Its not right.

Mil told her to calm down and never say stuff like that unless she is actually considering it and bil tells mil to f** off and stop interfering cos shes putting gf under stress!

How awful. I really don't know what to say to that. She's not ready for this baby.

I'm due in Spring as well and trying to think of an inoffensive way to tell my ILs that I do not want any baby things for xmas. I really don't. In my case I have very good reason to be worried in case things the pregnancy does not have a happy ending and I do not want piles of stuff to deal with if it doesn't. On another front have you considered she may be very scared about the baby, and trying to block it out for now? She's 17, and unstable.... the pregnancy is probably very frightening.

If I were you I'd make xmas about xmas, and get them baby stuff in April.

When I was pregnant with my first child my mother gave me stuff for the baby for Christmas. Nothing at all for me just useless things that I wouldn't have chosen for my unborn son. It was horrible, really horrible. It felt like she had no faith in me to provide for my own child and that I had ceased to exist as a person.

This is obviously a different situation but I think this young mum needs some appreciation and support and is really only a child herself.

Well if it's due in April is it early enough for her to change her mind still? Just trying to do the maths.

Well, I don't buy presents for babies until they are actually safely delivered, though I would let someone know if I was buying them something big like a buggy (my mum has made me very superstitious on that front)

Sounds, though, like christmas presents are the least of their problems

i try and help as much as time will allow but half the time she wont let anyone in the bloody house!

if she has told her midwife about the recent od attempts her HV will have been informed and she will be given a banding type thing universal plus or universal partnership plus. and she will get additional support from the hv service.

however point in hand. presants

shes 17years old at the moment thats still a child herself. ofcourse shes going to be unable to express herself as one would expect an adult to. she may not have quite the same level of understanding that a older adult will and the impact her words have. learning this is a growing up process.

if your family normally buy gifts for adults at xmas and are doing so for the other adults then get them token gifts as well as baby stuff.

Does that sound really harsh?

I just mean that - she's 17, sounds like she's scared, had a tough life and isn't coping - she's saying she doesn't want the baby. She doesn't HAVE to have it, or adoption could be an option.

If it's still all open to question I definately would not buy anything for the baby. Don't put pressure on her to play happy families if she isn't ready for that. Maybe it would be best if everybody stepped back and gave her some space to make up her own mind.

Tbh I think it would not be a bad idea for her to be considering whether she really wants to have a baby at this point in her life, and whether she/they can provide a stable happy home for a child at the moment.

It's not really something you can say to someone else though...

Shes nearly 17 weeks

I wouldn't get baby stuff. I was older than her but still felt when pregmant that it was just taking over my life. I've always made an effort to get the new mother something for them just so they're reassured they're still a person and not a baby factory.

This situation is that x10000000 though. The best you can do is be supportive and get her something for her to show you've taken on board her feelings.

I am not saying this just because she's young, btw, or even just because she's had mental health issues. And everyone says things they don't really mean when they're scared or upset.

But the violent incident is worrying, and taking everything together, you have to wonder if it's a good idea.

I agree with taking a step back and not mentioning the baby stuff any more. For all you know, maybe she actually is considering a termination, in which case it's understandable why your well-meant offer would have upset her.

They have said they are keeping it she just throws empty threats about to hurt people.

They wont say if they have told hv about od, although my mum is a gp andapparently hosp notes and mat notes go hand in hand?

She can still have a termination until 24 weeks iirc.

I'm not sure about notes either! You could ring her MW/MW team and raise concerns with them I should think, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be able to tell you anything, but if it gives them a better picture or how she is doing then I think it would help.

TeiWi - I'm due on March 28th and will be 20 weeks on Saturday, so the answer to your question is Yes.......just.

Agree that you should wait until the baby's here to buy baby presents. I would hate for anyone to buy me baby things for Christmas.

Could you get her vouchers for her favourite clothes store? Then she can buy something for herself post-baby - if money's tight then it will be nice for her to know that she's got something to spend on herself. Also - perhaps - a really nice box of chocs or something to spoil herself with now.

Sorry if this sounds harsh - I know you want to help - but I winced when you said "I just get abuse from her". She's in a very difficult situation and sounds as if she's immature and vulnerable. In your shoes, I think I'd try not to take offence or judge her too harshly - it won't help your relationship and she sounds as if she really needs a good friend right now.

If moneys tight pretty maternity clothes may be an idea or some mum to be bath stuff. (Although still baby orientated not presents just for baby).

I'm 18 weeks with dc3 and know will probably be getting a new posh change bag and one of those necklaces that chime faintly (apparently the baby can hear it in your tummy). Not sure if that's any help at all.

Age not relevant.

Besides that tbf to her the 'stupid baby' comment most likely was a lapse moment of anger. She has every right to be stressed with all that is going on and was probably looking forward to forgetting, even for a moment, at Christmas. I agree with others- when I was 7 months pg with my first at Christmas and purely got baby items I remember feeling a little like screaming I AM STILL HERE YOU KNOW! Pregnancy can make you disappear..

I'd just get them something for the home if they need anything or get her a lovely little bath set then concentrate on baby nearer that time as new baby gifts!

Definitely just stick to presents for them and keep money for when baby arrives.
Although I agree it sounds like Xmas is the least of their problems :(

FWIW, I did have SS involvement due to my MH issues - I ODed as well as staying in a psych unit in my teens, I mentioned this when I was pregnant at 19, and had an SS assessment because of it. Basically they came to our flat and interviewed me and now-DH to determine whether we would need support (they said we didn't, but our circumstances were better than your BIL's, baby much longed for etc)

oh dear, she obviously hasnt realised that babies take over everything. How about something small now and something for baby

Sorry just realised that last bit came across as really boastful sorry that's not what I meant, just trying to explain what might happen with SS, and hopefully in their circumstances they will get support.

(Incidentally I do wish they'd offered support as while our DCs are well looked after my mental health has been terrible for years, I think more intervention would've really helped - I've actually just asked for a new referral today due to health issues.)