How can I stop this Xmas following the same pattern as last year's? Nervous emoticon!!

[Hopton]

We're going to my in-laws again. I absolutely love Christmas but last year's was so stressy

Let's start with Christmas lunch - dd (age 3) was playing at kitchen table just as we were all helping MIL take hot plates through to dining room. I said "Come on dd, we're going to eat in a minute". She wanted to finish building last bit of Lego so I said ok and took another plate through. I then heard my mobile ring, it was my sister wishing us all merry Christmas. I returned the greeting v quickly, promising to ring her later. Then went into kitchen to be met with MIL shouting at me, "I can't BELIEVE you didn't bring dd through, she's crying now!". I explained about the Lego, and the fact she knew next time I came in the kitchen it was to take her through. Anyway I managed to calm dd but had MIL and SIL giving me looks throughout the meal.

My ds wanted to watch his new DVD in the afternoon, tried to put it on for him but didn't work, so I asked SIL if I needed to do anything else with remote. She snapped, "It doesn't work on THAT channel, REMEMBER?". Then did it for me. No, I didn't remember at all as hadn't been in the room when she was showing DH that morning.

Then packing to go home next morning I accidentally picked up MIL's overnight bag and started packing, (very similar to ours and was on the floor in spare room we were using). DH realised, then I had HIM shouting at me for using the wrong bag. I was close to tears at this point, then had SIL snapping at me again over breakfast when I asked her a polite question about her new job. (She didn't want to talk about it apparently but was I to know that?)

I'm getting nervous already but dh just says accept them as they are. they're fine the rest of the time for some reason, just NOT at XMas, my favourite time of year especially since we've had dc's.

And more

Why don't you say something back? They probably don't realise just how rude they are. I normal roll my eyes, make a comment or ignore when in similar situations.

Don't see them at all. Or tell them not to be so fucking rude.

Bil pissed me off last year by being miserable and not making ANY effort so I have decided never to spend christmas day with him again. Easy. If he's have been as rude to me as your IL's I'd probably have decided never to spend any time with him again.

what's the issue they have with xmas? are you and dh pulling your weight when you're there? thinking this might be passive aggressive behaviour if you are perceived not to be helping? if this isn't about that and there is a repeat this year i'd just ask them straight out what the problem is and tell them you feel they are being rude. and then i'd decide not to go back there for xmas again.

Why are you going?

We try to pull our weight Bunny, but MIL doen't want anybody helping her with the cooking, she says she finds it harder with people helping her, she better on her own!

I always start to wash or dry up, but am told to leave it by SIL as she has "her own way of doing things"!

I can't even sort out dc's baths and bedtime as MIl and SIL like to do it when we're there, (They hype them up more than I would but anyway)!!

Don't really know what the problem is, they do constantly suggest we go out for drinks/shopping etc though. Tbh I think sometimes they just like to be number ones with the children and have us out the way. A bit hurtful but DH says they just like to give us a break. I just feel our presence irritates them, but we don't invite ourselves!

hmm, then i would see how it goes this year and if no better i wouldn't do it again (sounds no fun for any of you). maybe they are just poor hosts.

Ask what their fucking problem is or don't go.

Don't go and stay at home with your children and your dh. We now spend christmas just the four of us and visit relatives or have them to us before or after. Your in-laws sound really rude.

I think they are rude, but some people are just like that. I think you can either respond or ignore. Sounds like SIL was pre-menstrual or not in a good place last Christmas, and was taking it out on everyone. They sound like 'shouty' family, though why DH was shouting at you about the mistake with the bag I don't know, a worrying exaggeration. Is he normally this horrid to you?

This year I would make sure that you keep the DC out of the kitchen if MIL is going to be a martyr and do everything herself, that way she can get on and you can enjoy the DC. Remind them if anyone comments, that you were asked not to do things last year because MIL has her own way of doing things.

Regarding the DC's baths, let MIL and SIL get on with it, if staying only for one night. If more than that you can say that you or DH will be bathing them the other night. They are your DC and you have the last word on their care.

I think you need to think hard about what you want from future Christmasses if this one is unpleasant. I hope DH will listen to your point of view and not dismiss your feelings as silly. You have the right to enjoy your Christmas as much as he does.

Stay at home, have your Christmas how you want it, and if they say anything, tell them you prefer to be somewhere where you won't be told off like a small child for not meeting their standards of perfect telepathy.

Thanks all, I've told DH if this Xmas is a repeat of last year's
I won't be going again. He says I'm over sensitive but I felt so upset come Boxing Day last year.

He hardly ever shouts but I think the atmosphere in the house got to him too, and he took it out on me that last day. He'll never admit there's an atmosphere though, just says his family have known me long enough not to stand on ceremony

A shame because their house is decorated for Xmas from top to toe, they're extremely generous with gifts for us and dc's, I just get the feeling when it all comes it's too much for them.

I may suggest we do Xmas at home for my parents and siblings next year, we tend to have them to us New Year and celebrate then and they live a distance away, possibly a change around is in order!

They sound really grumpy! I like the sound of what you told DH - but you MUST stick to it, so if it is bad you absolutely have to say you will not be going next year; make it clear from the start.

Thanks Ponty, yes I've made it clear to him. He annoys me a bit as he actually can't see why I get stressed about it, he thinks I should just accept the way they are, have another coffee/wine and put the snapping to the back of my mind. His view is that's it's a big house so very easy for everybody to have their own space should they need it. All v well for him to say but I find it hard to just slope off, it seems antisocial. The odd time I've tried it, ie, go up and watch something on bedroom telly/disappear with a book when dc's are being totally monopolised by the in-laws, I can hear them all asking "Where's Hopton, she ok? Etc".

Maybe I need more support from him while staying there, silly really as I've known them all 15 years plus, but still at times find them tricky

Stay at home.

I love going to my parents', but DH has asked for one Christmas at home for a change as (even though we get on) it can be claustrophobic around a lot of other people. So we are going for it, and I'm really looking forward to it now. Christmas is about family, but YOUR family. It is a really important time for me, and I would hate to spend it feeling uncomfortable. Inevitably, when you are out of your home and under someone else's roof, this is what happens. I would spend the days around Christmas with them, but have the day itself with your DH and DCs in your own home. You can relax and enjoy. Yes it is lovely for grandparents and inlaws to see the children at Christmas, but not at the expense of your enjoyment of the day. If you have to include them, can they not come to you? Then your home, your rules.

Wow your MIL was really out of order to shout at you like that. And the dirty looks at the dinner table! I would have said "why are you giving me dirty looks MIL and SIL?", as sometimes pointing out a persons bad behaviour is enough to embarrass them out of doing it. If they are making you uncomfortable why should you stay quite and put up with it? If speaking up creates an atmosphere then that is of their doing not yours.

My FIL gave me evils (really bad one's!) a while bad and I still get angry thinking of how I didn't stick up for myself. When I look at his face now all I can think is Cxxx! It just pops into my head!