To spend Boxing Day with family - or with friends?

[TheRhubarb]

Every Boxing Day we visit my sister. Her house is rather cramped and to be honest it's a bit dull.
This year all of our friends will be out on Boxing Day watching a few bands (one of which is our friends' band which we've alway supported) and we'd really like to be there. It will be our only chance to see friends all together.

However my sister's mil died a few months ago and she's really looking forward to us going on Boxing Day this year. Her husband already has the meal planned out.

I'm torn between visiting her and our friends. If we don't spend it with friends then we've missed out on a great night out and one of our friends is only here from Moscow for a few days so we'd really like to catch up with him.

There can be no compromise as my sister is working half of Boxing Day, so we'd arrive about 4pm and spend the night there. The gig is on around 8pm so we'd miss it completely.

There's no way out of this is there?

Well? Anyone got any wonderfully bright ideas?

Do they live near enough to drag them along? Quick early meal then an night out?

'Fraid not. And they wouldn't leave their kids in any case.

We have visited them on Boxing Day every year without fail and I might have been able to re-arrange plans this year if it wasn't for the fact that his mum died so they are not looking forward to Christmas.

Thing is, I already have to spend Christmas Day with his family, which is also very dull. We've had a tough year ourselves, especially just recently, and I'd quite like to let my hair down and go out, seeing friends I've not seen for months and having a good time. There won't be another chance to do this.

But I just know that she will not be very understanding and will feel that I'm not supporting her.

Hmm, either no-one has any ideas or I should have re-phrased my thread title to something like "My mother-in-law eats puppies for Christmas"

Is there any way of them moving the meal to 27th? If it's a choice of seeing you then or not at all, you are still supporting them, just that Boxing day is difficult. The friend coming from Moscow is swaying this for me, as he won't be visiting often, and presumably they are available much more frequently.

Arrangements that are set in stone every year are bound to fail at some point, they must be aware of that. I would be thinking (for next year) about changing this to allow more flexibility, and if you find it dull, why? Is it because you are there for a full day, when half a day would be better? What could you do to enliven it? Would it make more sense not to stay overnight if you can, so that you can shorten the evening and avoid any long drunken conversations? See them during the daytime and go home after tea?(Not this year obv)

Why do you always go to them, could they come some years to you, and presumably take the DC home avoiding the overnight stay? That way you would have some control over the visit, activities to plan to make it less boring.

If you decide to go to the gig, I don't think either party is unreasonable to feel the way they do, but I think it is unreasonable for Dsis to expect you always to go to hers every year for Boxing day, and unreasonable of you not to do something about it if it's just a duty visit and unenjoyable.

Just changed to my xmas name. No, she won't accept the 27th as it's not Boxing Day.

We always go to them because we live 200 miles away and we spend Christmas with dh's family, which is just 30 miles from my sister, so it makes sense for us to see her. She came to see us once, when we lived a little nearer and it was obvious that they didn't want to be there. He was grumpy because he couldn't drink and then their car broke down on their way home so they were stood for 45 mins on a motorway embankment in the dark and cold waiting for rescue.

If her MIL hadn't died perhaps it would be easier, but it's been a big deal for them and her dh has had a family fall-out. I've been very supportive of her during this, but now I feel that spending a tense Boxing Day there after a tense Christmas Day with his family is taking it a step too far.

It might be unreasonable of her to be narked if I changed the plans, but she would not only be narked but probably mortally offended.
I feel emotionally blackmailed.

What does your DH want to do, SIL and BIL visit or mates and concert? If you both want the latter, I guess you'll have to decide how to broach the subject. That means either telling the truth or fibbing.

If you have always been expected to travel to everyone elses for Christmas, it can be pretty hard. By not going to DH family you wouldn't be seeing your Dsis and family either because of the distance from your home. Are the friends you would be seeing near to DH family home or your own home, if it were me I'd be inclined to plead illness and go home from DH family if the gig was near my home and give Boxing day a miss at Dsis. Surely seeing you on any day is better than not seeing you at all! No wonder you feel blackmailed. I can't cope with people who are so rigid about a day. This is why I never let myself be pushed into an expected pattern of visits or going to people for Christmas.

I feel sorry for Dsis and BIL, but they have been ungracious in the past, and still expect you to travel to them, be there for support, and it sounds as though you have nothing much in common.

I guess it depends what sort of fall-out you expect from telling them you're not coming on Boxing day and whether you can cope with it. Relationships work two ways and it doesn't sound as though you're getting much from them. How have they supported you during your tough year?

I've figured it out, we can go to theirs Christmas Day and spend Boxing Day at his mums as she will be happy to have us for lunch which means we can go out in the evening.

Friends are nearer to his mums than my sisters.

I will have to start putting my foot down more often though. I'm fed up of running around visiting everyone and pretending to have a good time. Time for honesty I think, for my New Year resolution I will start saying No more often.

My friend has put her foot down this year, she does a lot of driving with her job and is incredibly busy in December. She and DP are invited to lots of places for Christmas and end up driving between friends and family. Just because it is easier for them as they don't have DC to worry about. This is actually a crap reason, because no one thinks she might be knackered due to her job and fancy a rest at home, even if she isn't doing the driving.

Glad you have found a solution for this year. At least you can be at Dsis for however short a time you choose, but I wouldn't have the conversation about next Boxing day for another few months if you decide to stop seeing them regularly then. Visiting them at a less emotionally charged time of year would probably be better all round.

Waves to SirCliff thinking "hello, this is familiar, haven't we have told you once?"

Well Chrimbly told you what to do in your other thread with their well reasoned suggestion.

Goes back to polishing UFO cos' reckon it still could be called upon.

Ha ha! No-one was replying on this apart from the lovely girlywhirly so I did a better thread title. This is where MNHQ should allow thread title edits.

There's another thread about this?

Does Dsis agree to you going for Christmas day, or was that just you thinking aloud, cos I can't think of anything else if not.

Yeah sorry girlywhirly, I thought this thread was going to drift into space so started a different one before you replied.

All sorted now - the gig on Boxing Day was cancelled as the band members couldn't get their act together on time. So I've arranged to meet them all the day after Boxing Day

Next year though, next year will be different. My New Year resolution is to say no more often. Thanks for helping me, it does help to talk about it and get different perspectives.