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Original poster

Can't believe the crap Christmas presents DH has bought the kids....

27 replies

NormaSnorks · 30/11/2011 11:16

This morning he presented me with a box of stuff he'd ordered off Amazon, and I'm completely Shock

It's as if he doesn't know his kids AT ALL. I can guarantee it will all be discarded within 5 minutes of opening...
I can't believe he's wasting all this money too, at a time when we can't afford it. Why didn't he at least talk to me about what he was going to buy?

In the box there is:

  • a 'puzzle ball' for DS1 (AGE 12!) - IT LOOKS REALLY BABYISH
  • 2 movies from 1950s/ 1970s, which DH wants to watch, but says we should give to DS1 & DS2 Hmm
  • a physics book which is way too advanced for DS1 (but DH says he'll 'grow' into (yeah - when he's about 20!) (Again, DH wants to read this).
  • 2 books which DH has bought for himself "so that I can give them to him" WTF?
  • a 'classic' novel for DS2, which we already have in the bookcase, and he has shown no interest in....

I am just so sad that he is so out of touch with his sons Sad. He is like this every Christmas, and will probably get angry (with them) when he realises that they don't find his presents very interesting.

Sad
OP posts:
ladyintheradiator · 30/11/2011 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PontyMython · 30/11/2011 11:20

Oh. So this isn't really just a Xmas thing is it. What's he like with them the rest of the year?

PontyMython · 30/11/2011 11:27

I'm really sad for you too, BTW. I can't imagine my DH being so out of touch with our DCs. He finds it a bit more difficult with his teenage DCs who don't live with us, but he wouldn't be so arrogant as to just force stuff on them. He asks me as I'm closer to their age and we come up with it together.

My dad doesn't really do presents but when he does randomly get something it's perfect (book or classical CD, cheap but completely me IYSWIM)... OTOH my mum is like your DH. I'm 24 and it still really hurts TBH, that she knows me so little and can't be arsed to try. Sorry :(

Original poster
NormaSnorks · 30/11/2011 11:32

We didn't have a conversation in advance, which is what I have done about most of the things I've bought.

My face must registered a bit of what I thought when he was showing me them, and he just got rather tetchy. When I pointed out that we alreday had the children's classic book, he just said "well, I didn't know that - you should have told me.." er.. well I would have done if you'd told me you were buying it Hmm

I think it's the lack of effort on his part I dislike most. He sat in front of the TV with his iPod at the weekend and ordered all this crap. There is very little thought has gone into it at all. The children have written christmas lists, and while I don't believe in giving them everything they want, it would've been nice to at least consider their wishes, rather than just wasting money on unnecessary tat. Sad

He's mostly a good Dad with the boys, but is a bit domineering, and has moments of madness when he decides 'this is what they SHOULD like or SHOULD be doing...'. I think it all relates to his own dominant father and upbringing.

God knows what I'm going to get...

OP posts:
Original poster
NormaSnorks · 30/11/2011 11:38

It annoys me even more as I seem to be completely responsible for the DCs happiness at Christmas.

EVERYONE in my and DH's family (PILs & siblings) has come to me, and either given me the cash to buy presents for them, or asked for a specific link to something, or just said 'I'll just get them gift vouchers'.
My own father (who is a widower) has dementia and gives me money to buy all our presents too.

I need DH to pull his weight a bit more on this. He has no excuse. he works from home most of the time and sees the DSs loads after school etc.

Oh, and last year Dh had the cheek to be 'hurt and upset' because I hadn't got him exactly what he wanted... (presumably that's why he's presented me with his own presents this year..)

How crap Sad.

OP posts:
Theas18 · 30/11/2011 12:17

Hmm wouldn't have bothered me one iota if DH had bought his own Xmas pressies- I'm afraid I do that for my DH these days - that way I get the right thing at the right price.

I can totally identify with being responsible for everyones happiness at Xmas. I am and I hate it, though actually it seems to have worked out OK so far. I get all the Xmas pressies incl his relatives (which is very difficult) and I even set the budget so it is me that decides if the kids get say and Xbox or just a jigsaw!

As I say the upside is that I haven't got it wrong... yet...

THe difference is that my DH is happy to let me do so and all pressies to everyone are from both of us. Is your DH intending these presents to be from "him" and the others from "you"?? If that's the case let him hand them over and see if he has a hit or a miss with them....

ladyintheradiator · 30/11/2011 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PontyMython · 30/11/2011 12:57

He sounds like a grumpy arsehole tbh. Has he got you decent gifts in the past? I mean suitable, not expensive, obviously.

What's he like on the day with cooking and stuff... He sounds like he expects the world to revolve around him. Does he help?

And what was the strop for last year? Did you actually post about it at the time, as I remember threads along that line.

joymaker · 30/11/2011 13:40

NormaSnorks from what you say it does sound as though your DH has been rather thoughtless (and selfish).

Surely he should be responsible for giving the gifts that he has bought by labelling them from him (as he didn't consult with you) and you label the ones that you have bought from you? -Maybe when your DH sees the difference in your DC's faces when they open the presents from each of you it might teach him the lesson he needs!

seasalt · 30/11/2011 13:42

It sounds like he has bought those things for himself and is passing them off as gifts to the children.

TeWihara · 30/11/2011 13:53

Oh, I had many christmas' like this as a child. Was it all on sale? Hmm

TBH, I would have a row about it. But that's because I remember how upsetting it was as a child. If they are getting more appropriate gifts from you they probably won't be so bothered! I would insist they are labelled as being from him though, and ask why he didn't look at their christmas lists for inspiration.

PontyMython · 30/11/2011 14:00

I was wondering if it was all on sale, it does just seem like he clicked on whatever was cheap.

I keep a wishlist for the DCs on amazon, and for DH too, I add anything that I think they might like and when it gets to August near Xmas I use it as a starting point. Not rocket science.

Pity your DH can't put some thought into it.

NoNoNoMYDoIt · 30/11/2011 14:01

why aren't you discussing what you are buying them together? isn't that what most parents do? so you don't have 'presents from dad', and 'presents from mum', but joint presents from both?

PontyMython · 30/11/2011 14:02

Is there a particular reason, btw, that there are separate presents from you both? Does he want all the credit for his supposedly great gifts Hmm

PontyMython · 30/11/2011 14:07

Xpost nonono - we always have joint presents even if it's mostly me doing the shopping (I enjoy it, it's not put upon me)

TeWihara - yes, it is upsetting isn't it. My mum would actually hand over a scarf, still in the bag with receipt and price tag, saying "If you don't like it I'll keep it". Mind you at least she was honest about her intent - mr Norma isn't even doing that.

GoEasyPudding · 30/11/2011 14:30

Difficult one this.

As you say - if his dad was a bit controlling there may be some issues here.

Maybe have a serious talk about it. Call a meeting.

Maybe he needs to be told that if there are movies and physics books he wants he can ask for them and he is allowed them. Maybe he thinks he is not allowed these things?
Let him know its not ok to pass these things off as for the kids.

Tell him its really important for you guys to pool ideas before shopping, afterall its quite fun to choose toys and stuff for christmas.

As for your gift, be blunt, choose something you want, tell him where to buy it.

garlicnutter · 30/11/2011 14:53

"DH, I can see you really like things you ordered. They're not appropriate for the children, but have the books & films as present for yourself :) Now, would you like to help me choose the kids' presents from both of us? We can go shopping on Sunday. This is what I'd like, please."

If he throws a strop over that, you've got bigger problems than a wonky Santa, I'm afraid. Am interested to see your replies to the other questions about pulling his weight in general.

Original poster
NormaSnorks · 30/11/2011 14:59

We don't do 'separate presents from him/me... actually all the kids' presents still come from Father Christmas Blush even though they sussed us ages ago.

Ponty - I do the same as you - begin to keep a list of suitable things from about September, and keep them in my Amazon wish list.

We DID talk about and agree the 'big ticket' items for the DSs, and I've told him when I've ordered them etc. I also keep a spreadsheet with a list of things we've already bought at the top/ ideas from their lists/ presents I've 'suggested' to family etc.
Dh knows this, but didn't bother to look at it (it's on our PC).

I know that I now sound like the controlling one, but the thing is, he's so disorganised/disinterested etc that unless I take it on, then we'll get to Xmas eve and he'll be running around the shops buying all the leftover crap.

I hate Christmas with him - he acts like such a spoilt brat. I would be happy if he told me what he wanted, and I would order it/ wrap it, but just to be presented with it seems so, well, domineering!

I thought about having a row with him about it, but he'll just be in a huff for the rest of the day Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
NormaSnorks · 30/11/2011 15:04

garlicnutter - part of the problem is that we DON'T go shopping together, as we have nobody to have the kids.
To be honest I find most of the stuff in the shops special Christmas tat anyway, which is why I order online.

OP posts:
mumeeee · 30/11/2011 15:05

Don't you but gifts together. Our DCs get joint presents from us. By that mean they don't get one from me and one from DH.

virgiltracey · 30/11/2011 15:05

I choose and buy all the DSs presents at Christmas and for birthdays and DH sometimes feels left out - and so often he'll go out and buy something himself which is generally overpriced and discarded after a day (They want lego DH, just let them have the lego!!!). After a few years he's got the message that quite a lot of thought and planning (and hours and hours of browsing) goes into the whole thing

I would make a joke of it and would wrap up the presents and give them to him. Then say you really appreciate that he wanted to help and could you perhaps spend some time browsing Amazon this evening so that you can pick out some stuff together.

mumeeee · 30/11/2011 15:06

Only sticking stuff comes from FC

JaneBirkin · 30/11/2011 15:16

To me it sounds as though he does have some major issues relating to his own unhappy childhood, but that's kind of a separate thing from the presents - or maybe slightly related.

It sounds like he WANTS to get them stuff, but hasn't got a CLUE what to get or how to choose. I find it hard tbh - well I've learned now, but I still make foolish decisions sometimes thinking I know what mine would like, when really, I'm actually wrong.

He sounds like he is really conflicted over actually giving them what they want, maybe no one ever did it for him - and has some big mental blocks going on which are basically stopping him getting it right as part of him doesn't want them to have something he never did. So he shouldn't be allowed to do the Christmas shopping, he really shouldn't.

I'm not sure what you can do - would be consider some counselling/therapy? That might be a good start. Otherwise it may come down to you deciding if it's a sustainable relationship when you end up having to walk this line every year.

Good luck. He sounds as though he has very mixed emotions about it, and no clue how to give presents Sad

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 30/11/2011 15:18

Wrap the whole box of crap and give it all to DH. Tell him Santa brought it all. Then give your DCs the presents you know they want and will enjoy. There's no point spoiling their Christmas just because your DH is an arse.
My mam STILL buys me "the wrong" stuff - not because of the cost of it or anything but things like, every year, I get a box of Black Magic chocolates and I HATE dark chocolate. I always have, even as a child, and I am now in my 40s, and she still buys it... and a tin of biscuits. I am so overweight I am dying by inches and have my own gravitational field and she buys me biscuits Hmm and it hurts. Every year. Try not to let your DH do it to your DCs if you can stop him Confused easier said than done I know, if he just doesn't get it.

JaneBirkin · 30/11/2011 15:20

FWIW - I get the resaponsible for everyone thing, too. Ds's father asks me what ds wants., and then decides that one of the things is going to be from him, though I have to have bought it and wait to be paid back.

I resent this - he's seen ds 6 times this year.
Also buying and giving is a very much learned skill - I learned it from my mother, she was pretty good - my father still stays on the peripheries and often seems to buy the wrong thing when he's let loose in the shops.

It's confidence and intention and when you've had a dodgy time of it with your own folks, you can't be expected to understand the mental processes involved. It's so sad.