Christmas at in-laws on basement floor with 9 month old - asking too much?

[BeeandBear]

Just after some advice really. We live 45 mins from in laws but DH wants us to stay with them on Christmas Day even though the house is full to the rafters. It means we'll either have to sleep in the basement room on a blow up mattress with travel cot for DS who will be 8.5 months or be shipped out to neighbours house who are away.
I'd much rather not drink (gulp) and drive home at whatever time to get back to my own nice bed and Christmas decs.
Am I being unreasonable? I know it's just one night - but it's my first Christmas with DS and it doesn't feel v special! Sorry to be grumpy

I think you and dh need to discuss what you both want out of this Christmas. And then make sure you both get a fair share of things you want.

If you do go, who is doing the packing (lots for an 8.5mo!)? Who is looking after ds in the strange environment, spending all day stopping him from crawling and grabbing the ornaments etc? Who is making sure he has food he can eat, milk etc etc? Who gets up in the night if ds doesn't sleep as well as normal? Just wondering ...

Hi Bertha
Answers to all of the above will be me...which is a good distraction when the conversation isn't flowing... but also hard when it's my favourite time of year...
Also hard as DS is a climber and crawler already and there will be 2 big dogs around. Friendly but makes floor a bit...manky!
You are right...should talk about it...but I'm a bit fiesty when it comes to those chats...

45 mins is not a huge distance to drive each way in one day. No way I'd be on a blow up mattress for the night. Why does DH want to stay so badly, is it because he wants to spend the evening with his relatives having a few drinks?
Would it cause huge problems if you went home with DS and he made his own way back the next morning?

Raven78 I wish I could get my own way like you. We always end up rowing about it. "You've never liked my family...etc etc"
Rookie - yes, he wants to stay and have drinks with his family. The truth is though, by that stage we'll be knackered after a house full, the heating on at 100 degrees due to a couple of real oldies, and his family don't even go out for a walk...
In times before DS in same situation I used to sit in their bathroom loo feeling utterly miserable and SO bored.
Love your suggestion about going home with DS...but can you imagine the looks from the clan as I left....ouch...may almost be worth it...

i think your oh is being a bit selfish. you should compromise on a christmas that suits you both - and the baby. why dont you both go to his parents the day after boxing day for an overnight? he can have his few drinks, you just get on with it and try and enjoy yourself, let your inlaws help out alot and you could have a few too in that case?
i would get the final say in my house as long as i wasnt being unreasonable. and youre not being unreasonable.

I think when you have your own children it is absolutely fair enough to have your own traditions. You can start to call the shots in the same way your parents/ILs expected to when you were kids.

I dug my heels in years ago - people are always very welcome to come to me, and a couple of times we have gone to family in Ireland, but mostly we stay put.

45 minutes is a ridiculously short distance to expect to stay the night. I suspect your DH is regressing a bit - he wants things to be as they were when he was a kid.

If you're the one who wants to drive and skip the booze, then there's nothing wrong with heading home to your comfy bed...
BUT why are you usually so bored over there that you have to hide away in the loo? What happens when you suggest a walk/offer to take the dogs around the block?

Definitely discuss with DH again. I insist that we only go for the day to inlaws (at any time of year tbh!) and they are 1.5hrs away. They've got nowhere for us to stay, so it's a massive upheaval & they insist on giving up their room for us which makes me feel awful! They are not used to entertaining much & mil appears to find it very hard work & stressful. Relations usually escalate into a row between DH and his parents or sister at some point. Yet given the choice DH would still choose to stay over! Since the children arrived though I have insisted that we go to visit for the day only & although tiring with 3hrs+ driving, it is a much more tolerable enjoyable experience!

If it's only 45 minutes away, I'd just go for the the morning or after lunch? A half day anyway. Open your presents and have at least one meal at home as a family, then the other half of the day at the inlaws.

If you are offering to do the driving then I think you can persuade your DH just to do the round trip on the day. Suggest it again, with the emphasis on you driving, him drinking...etc.
I dont like the sound of the basement... wont it be a bit damp for your DS? Is it like an american style basement, done out like a den? Or is it a cold dark british basement full of spiders?

We too suffer the heat at christmas time at the inlaws! When I think of what to wear for chritmas day I have to think about t shirts!

We always used to have Christmas Day with DH. me and our 3 DDs. Then go down on boxing day to my parents for the big Christmas party all the nieces and nephews would sleep in one room unless still having night feeds then they would sleep with their parents. Everyone had a great time and the nieces and nephews loved getting together. We stopped all staying together when the extended family got too big to all stay over night. We do however still have the family party but it's usually at my sisters and we just go for the day although it's about 100 miles away.

No way would I be sleeping on a blowup mattress on a basement floor. We stay on a blowup at MIL's sometimes but this is strictly on a "whether Fiona is happy with it" basis and if I insisted on coming home, we would come home. We are also 45 minutes away.

IMO it's not the blowup that is the issue - it's the basement floor that would be the deal breaker for me. It's not as if it's far to go home.

Mind you, if the neighbour's house is on offer why not just stay there - seems like a good compromise

yanbu, just arrive in good time for the main meal and leave in time to get home for tea and bed, 45 minutes is no distance. and you will all sleep better.

And at least you now have a perfect excuse to get out of hte house - "it's a bit warm in here and I really need to take DS out for a walk to cool him down/get him off for a nap"

I think you have to make a stand now and make your own traditions. Point out that up til now he's had his way. If you don't next year they'll expect the same again.

The first Christmas with a baby is the perfect excuse. Go for the day on boxing day instead.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I made a stand...again. Was asked why i was being so quiet over weekend and then last night he came home and out blue said we are no longer going Christmas Eve...but we are going C Day and his parents have given up their room for us...ahhhh. But it appears that is the compromise...so i'm going with it. for now.
MrsMuddypuddles...yes good idea to suggest a walk so I will go on one whether rain or shine to get out with DS. I get bored as no one talks to me or asks me anything....it's all very superficial chat and no meaningful stuff...plus there isn't much humour which I miss so much.... Plus have been thinking and if MIL says anything about the way I do things or the way my DS is fed or what he is wearing...(I refuse to dress an 8month old in a collared shirt and chinos....say no more) I will fight my corner.....