oh, how I hate being a non-confrontational people pleaser!

[LissTheSeasonLouBeJolly]

I am the eldest of 3, one of my brothers is single, the other is married and lives overseas. However, he and his wife are coming back to the uk soon. Initially it was january, but as I've recently found out, its now next month. I thought my parents would be alone on christmas day, so (despite not liking them very much) I invited them over for lunch. They have faffed around and not given an answer, whenever I asked the answer was "ooo, don't know yet/depends on your brother" so I went into town and reserved/paid for a turkey for the three of us.

I've just spoken to them and they said that they will "probably" be coming to ours, because db and sil are going to her parents. So, not only do I feel like the booby prize (not new, I have lots of threads about them) but now I have to sort out more food and tell dh who has already said that they have procrastinated too long.

I wish I had the bollocks to say "that ship has sailed. Feck off"

Perhaps you could change your order but I think it would be perfectly reasonable to say you have ordered your food for Christmas and paid for it and really it is too late to change it. I would tell them that that ship has sailed. It is an outrageous way to behave. My DH's youngest brother used to faff about not being able to decide whether he wanted to stay put at home or come with his mother to us. In the end my DH set a deadline - "if you have not told us by "x" date whether or not you are coming then the invitation is closed. His Mum wanted to come to be with her grandchildren but would not leave him alone so it spoiled it for her. You needed to know sooner and I also note that she has said " probably coming" so I think it is fair enough to say you cannot now change your plans. Be brave and just do it although I know it is hard.

Be brave and do it. "So sorry, wasn't thinking straight when I spoke to you earlier, we've made other plans for Christmas now so we won't be seeing you on Christmas Day.". Leave it till you know they're out/asleep and leave a message .

Or be cowardly and get dh to do it . He can tell them you're hurt at being second best and they'd better get your a really good present to make up (but they still can't come for Christmas).

Or "actually we're probably going to friends so you'd better make your own plans"

well she doesn't actually know for sure if they are coming yet anyway. I've told my husband he has to find out if his BIL is coming this weekend as i will be ordering food next week - MIL says she 'thinks he will'. I've told him to say that if he can't decide he is still welcome but he will have to bring a ready meal to cook in micro (I know this won't happen...but some people have no consideration).

its you that will be eating turkey for the next 6 months and wasting loads of money if they decide not to come

You sound like me...

Told my Dad in June I would pay for him and his gf to go away forever for a couple of nights as a treat for his birthday. Was going to book it but his gf said let him choose when / where.

So he told me last week that he and gf had booked next week off, they'd found a hotel, could I ring up, book and pay? Absolutely not a problem in one sense because it was a gift I'd agreed on.

But one weeks notice at xmas shopping time! My DH said I should have said 'no'. But I said 'yes'. Bloody £200!!

Maybe AIBU? Don't know. Don't care!

havent read the whole thread, just your op.

i would be offended if i were you. i think its a bit cheeky of them to hesitate at your offer and then accept half heartedly later on once theyve sussed outd the situation with your bro. id say get stuffed. well, nicer than that but basically that ive already ordered my turkey for 3 as they wouldnt commit and just say they can come next year then.

your right, so is hubby. please yourself. you did offer initially.

Thanks all, we have decided to try and eke out the turkey. After all, it will be nice for ds to have them here for christmas. And when db starts a family they won't be around as much anyway.

i can sort of understanding giving your brother priority so to speak - if he lives abroad they presumably hardly ever see him, but see you a lot more regularly? I imagine they would feel the same about you if your situations were reversed.

what i don't think is OK though is not confirming one way or the other. to be honest they still haven't decided now. But as you have invited them I think you should now give them a date to decide by and say that if they haven't decided by then you will assume they aren't coming. if they then change their mind say...sorry we've now made the arrangements and its too late.

Note to self...

Next time set them a deadline. Tell them you want to order your turkey by x date and if you haven't received a definite decision then you will assume they won't be coming.

I used to be a bit like you and was constantly let down/put upon by people. Not any more though. Life is far far easier because people know they can't mess me about.

Its odd though, my parents are the only people I allow to treat me like this! Db is coming back for good, and I understand giving him priority, but it was like this before. Always has been. Its so frustrating, and I get angry with myself for being so bloody spineless! I've told them that the turkey is booked and paid for (cue sniffs about the price etc) and I am making cakes and puddings this week. My dad even made a comment about staying over (uninvited) so he could drink!

You could pad out the turkey by roasting some chicken portions or breast fillets too, or a small boned/rolled turkey breast. Or make extra sausages, stuffing and veg and potatoes if you don't want to buy more meat. Actually, the less charitable side of me would buy a cheap turkey roast and make sure the parents had to eat it while you, DH and DS eat the nice turkey. Because you were not given a proper and prompt answer to your invitation, and they will have to accept what they are given.

Let them know right now that staying overnight is out of the question, in fact staying for tea would be pushing it. You can still give them a deadline to say if they are definitely coming, and then you can specify only for lunch, or lunch and tea, and whether you make them welcome to stay for the evening but not overnight. I suspect your dad will want to go home earlier if he has to drive and can't drink.

Next year do what banana says if in the same situation.

I am very tempted to buy a crap one for them, I know that he they will eat everything. Then sit on my sofa while I run around, burping and farting and making snidey comments... Wish I hadn't opened my mouth.

You could get them out on a walk after lunch, so that the farting is outdoors at least! It might make them hurry home quicker if they can't just veg out after lunch. In fact, tell them that you have planned a walk for the afternoon anyway, staying in isn't an option, and they might decide not to come at all.

Getting out of the house is a good way of diffusing tension and there is less to find fault with if not all cooped up.

I would continue with your own plans, in fact be clear about how long they can stay if you think a whole day is too much. You might want to visit friends for a while or something.

That's a very good idea! My mum can't walk far, so will def get them out. Have just sent a text saying I need a definitive answer by monday so we can make sure the turkey is big enough (it is ordered from a local farmer) otherwise I will assume that they aren't coming. Eeeek

Tis all too common a trend in people - assertive in all aspects of life except for dealing with parents!

I think you'd be right to say it is too late, the other option if you really didn't want to do that would be to ask that as you paid for the food already and budgeted for only 3, could they pay for the extra food? Might at least drive home how much they've taken the piss with keeping you waiting. Although by the sound of your parents it may be like talking to a brick wall?