How to be a good guest for Christmas at the ILs'

[Northey]

This year, for the very first time in my 34 years, I will not be spending Christmas at my parents' house. Instead I will be at my ILs'. And, never having done Christmas visiting before, I have no idea how! Please, please advise! Are there special tricks to being a good guest at Christmas?

Yes - I would start with trying to eat everything they are planning to cook, even if you don't really like it. You don't want to be the guest who turns up who needs to have a special menu or is fussy.

Ask How can I help? Then do as you're asked, bring wine, cake and good cheer and all will be good.

Wash up
Offer to put the kettle on
Go out with kids for a walk
Don't expect them to discipline your kids
Don't let your kids be Ill mannered, take them out if they start to get cabin fever
Take iPod, I phone , book to read and retreat to your room if it gets too much
Don't stay too long, 2 nights is long enough

Good thread idea Northey. This will be my 2nd time at ILs for Xmas. I agree with bringing lots of food and drink and generally making yourself useful, or at least offering help. Remember to nod and smile if things get tough. Try not to get sozzled and avoid hurling and you'll be fine!

Take a generous and accepting attitude with you. Staying in someone else's house can become claustrophobic at the best of times - but even worse at Christmas when everyone has (different) expectations of how the time should be spent and how everybody should behave. If you've never been anywhere but your own parents, it might be quite hard to adjust to another family's traditions and habits.

So, be open-minded and positive and don't make comparisons with how your family would do things. However much you might miss your family, your ILs are putting themselves out for you and deserve to be appreciated.

I know this sounds a bit bossy but tbh it's a bit of a mea culpa. I've never enjoyed spending Christmas with the ILs (lots of fraught water under the bridge) but I know that I've frequently made the situation worse by acting like a sulky child. If I could erase the last 10 years and do our first Christmas together now (I'm also 34) then I know I would behave very differently.

Find out the family traditions and join in.
DHs family did stockings, with all sorts of little bits. My family never have and it was fun thinking of inexpensive, but personal things.
DHs family always went to church and for a walk on Xmas day. Getting out of the house was rather nice. I loved my late DMIL to bits, but it was often warmer outside than in her house.

Don't stay too long.
Don't make too much mess (keep all your kit in the room provided).
Don't say 'oh we do it this way'.
Do offer to help, but accept you may not be needed.

Oh and ask in advance if you can bring aything. If told no, then still bring champagne and good wine.

Thank you for all these tips! They are lovely, and we do get on well. I just don't want to ruin 8 years of good relations with one Christmas!

Now. What to take to a house that includes one boozy carnivore, one boozy vegetarian and one teetotal vegan?!

How are your cooking skills? A vegan cake would probably go down well. Shows you thought about her/him. The carnivore and veggie can also eat it so everyone's happy.

Add some good quality orange juice or posh non-alcoholic natural stuff and a bottle of fizzy wine?

All excellent advice above. I too wish I could go back and change some of my behaviour at the ILs over the years - mainly my attitude and acceptance of a VERY different Christmas experience than I was used to.

As someone who's had loads of house guests this year (we had a new baby in May), I'll just add what makes ALL the difference to me in a guest and makes the difference between a good and a tiresome guest:

• Ask what you can do, but also take the initiative. If the hostess is clearly busy/frazzled, make yourself useful.
• Understand that hosts also need their space. Don't sit on the sofa all day every day or hog the TV remote. Go for a walk. This is particularly important if you're staying for several days.
• Don't sit around expecting to be waited on. I had a guest this past weekend who accepted every cup of tea/coffee/wine offered, but never said 'Let me make it' or 'I'll get it, you sit down'. She also parked her used cup/glass on the nearest table and never took it back to the kitchen. Grrrr! I'm not a f*ing waitress!
• If you have kids, be prepared to do everything for them. That includes bath/story/entertaining/keeping them out of the way. If others clearly love doing things with them - great - you might get a bit of a break, but don't expect it. My DB and DSIL turn up every year with their three kids and expect to sit on their arses drinking champagne and eating themselves silly while everyone else entertains their children. It pisses everyone off!
• Don't turn up empty handed. Chocolates, champagne/wine and flowers. Yes, all three. The hosts are going to be spending a lot of money and a lot of time entertaining you. Get off on a good foot with generous gifts.
• And to re-iterate what someone above says about getting up/going to bed at a similar time. You don't have to leap out of bed at 6am if that when your hosts get up - they may well appreciate an hour or two first thing to relax, read the paper, drink their coffee and have some peace and quiet before they have to be 'on' and host-like. But don't like in bed until 11am unless they do - it's bad manners.

The fact that you've posted asking shows that you're a considerate person, so I hope you all have a lovely Christmas

If you're thinking of taking anything more than the usual wine and chocolates, do ask "what can I bring" rather than just turning up with stuff like my MIL does. Offering to bring pudding and then arriving with a huuuuge pavlova that needs to be constructed when the kitchen is at it's busiest and then takes up half the fridge is unbelievably annoying.

Don't offer to help when the hostess has just sat down for the first time in three hours or when she's plating up. You'll be too late.

Yes to finding out what it will be like in advance and asking to watch (or even better making sure to record at home) anything that you just HAVE to watch is also a good idea.

bring flowers, and ask what else (pudding, wine) you can contribute
be grateful for your dinner even if it's a bit ropey
after lunch, either insist on doing the washing up, or if you're really not allowed then take any children/animals out for a looong walk.

send a thank-you card

Ask what you can do to help and insist they give you something to do. Is so much work hosting Christmas that there will definitely be something that you can do even if they don't accept your offer at first.

Smile and show you are enjoying yourself!

Offer to help with the catering by bringing the wine / asking if there is any food they would like you to prepare in advance and bring. For example My mum brings dinner for christmas eve when she comes to mine which saves me stressing about that.

'Don't turn up empty handed. Chocolates, champagne/wine and flowers. Yes, all three. The hosts are going to be spending a lot of money and a lot of time entertaining you. Get off on a good foot with generous gifts'

juneau, I completely agree. I started a thread a while ago about a tightarse friend of mine who brought 1 scuzzy bottle of wine when he was staying and being fed/watered for 3 days and I got screamed at on here! I don't expect people to turn up laden but buy decent wine and chocolates, not any old shit, it looks like you're taking the piss. And yes yes yes to 'give your hosts some space' - bugger off out for a while every day and let them breathe!

Get out of the house for an hour with the kids and give everyone a break from being polite and well behaved. Everyone appreciates some breathing space. Try to keep the kids toys well contained to one part of the room and don't have them taking over the TV with non stop Cbeebies.

Help to wash up, make tea, ask before you shower whether there is water/ anyone needs the bathroom etc.

Don't stay too long - 2 nights max. If you must bring flowers bring a bouquet that comes in a vase and involves no flower arranging and no mess.

M&S turkish delight are a lovely vegan treat.

Keep smiling!

feel good about yourself to start with by dressing well, doing your hair etc (this always helps me if im feeling apprehensive about a situation).
ask your mil in advance what shed like you to bring to contribute/help.
take them gifts.
dont get stressed, your kids will sense it and that would be rubbish for them.
last but not least - have a drink or 2 to and relax - its christmas, enjoy yourself!

I would ask - now - what you can bring. Don't just turn up with things, because if your MIL is an organised hostess like my Mum then someone turning up with a load of stuff for immediate consumption is a) unnecessary and b) frustrating because then your MIL might feel that she needs to incorporate your items into her menu planning.

If you get told that you can't bring anything, then some champagne, other good wine and good quality chocolates are a safe bet because they can be stashed to use another time!

Help clear the table. One of my SILs always helps out with stuff like this at my parents, the other one vanishes to her room as soon as the last morsel has passed her lips. Guess which one we all like?

Enjoy yourself, and join in with any family traditions.

Oooh, my favourite house guest empties my recycling bin, and takes out the general rubbish when its looking full - without being asked. He will wipe down all the kitchen ledges and will take my kids for a walk down the beach. He is welcome any time at all. He is my sister's husband - I often ask her leave him behind when she leaves.