How will Christmas have to change once baby is here in the context of our parents?

[MrsHuxtable]

DH and I have been together over 5 years. I'm from Germany, he's Scottish. Our first Christmas we spend together with his family in Scotland, the second year, he came over to Germany to be with my family.
Then we moved in together, in Scotland, and we have spend the last 3 years just the 2 of us. It's lovely. We did this because firstly, we both had to work one of the christmas days (so no time to travel) and secondly because christmas with our parents isn't nice, it's a chore.

His mum is an alcoholic and a mess. For her, christmas is just an occasion to get even more drunk then normal, which in turn makes her aggressive. His dad is not around anymore.

My parents are also not together. I have major issues with my mum (posted a lot about her) but get on well with my dad. Due to those deeply rooted issues, I can't show emotion in front of my mum, can't be nice to DH when she's around and we argue all the time. I don't want to spend christmas with her.

NOW, I'm pregnant, due in February. I'm dreading everyone's expectations of how christmas should be once this baby is here.
I like it as it is. I don't want to expose my child to my drunk MIL at christmas. I also don't want to have to invite my mum over as it will just be horrible for everyone involved but feel like I have to. Because she's my mum and because she'll be my child's grandmother.

MIL has 2 other daughters, so I don't feel guilty there but my mum is by herself (no surprise). She spent the last christmasses with my granny, her sister and my cousin.

People will expect me to invite my mum over once the baby is here, won't they?

Sorry if this is not a cheerful christmas post but I was so excited reading everyones' plans and then, when I thought about our future holidays, my heart sank...

which 'people' will have these expectations?

sod 'em

spend Christmas how YOU and dh want to spend it
don't waste Christmas on those who make you unhappy

Hear hear! You still have the working thing as an excuse and can do contact at a time of year with less emotional blackmail, stress etc involved!

I think my mum especially will have these expectations, my aunt and cousin will probably also think I should invite her.

I remember how magical christmas was when I was a child. The whole family, all my aunts and uncles with children would come to my grandparents house but really...with MIL and my mum, it's just not possible.

Yes, we will have the excuse of not being able to travel to Germany. We don't work christmas itself anymore but flights just before and after are a nightmare, as is public transport from the airport. But we don't have an excuse not to invite my mum as she would be more flexible with flights and could stay longer sob.

I'll just have to harden up. I just feel like a meany. It's the distance that makes it so difficult because we can't just pop over for a day and have the rest of the holidays for us.

Tell all these 'people' that you have your own Xmas tradition of being together just the two (or three) of you. Then don't budge. Manage your mother's expectations now by telling her you're busy at Xmas. See her in January.

Why do you care what these 'people' think? Having a baby does not give people more rights over you and your time. In fact, quite the opposite.

If you don't want to, don't invite her. She is in another country anyway so you have the perfect excuse. It isn't as if she is alone - she seems to have her family around her from what you say although do they want shot of her too?

Fashion your own style of family Christmas and make new traditions.

By the way, why do you not feel the same sense of obligation to have your father to visit, especially as you get on? Grandfathers can be just as important as grandmothers plus if he came over your mother wouldn't want to come, would she?!

But don't worry about any of them, just stick to what works for you

I probably feel like this because my mum's role of a lifetime is "the victim". Oh, how she suffers because everyone else is so so mean to her. I see through her now but still have the guilt complex and feel responsible for her.

Are there a lot of families that spend christmas without their parents? If I knew it wasn't an uncommon thing, I'd feel a lot better. Am already thinking about all the lovely christmas traditions I can start with my children.

When I was growing up we never went anywhere for Christmas nor did anybody visit us and it was great. It was all a bit weird when I married DH and we started to go out on Christmas day. We have the advantage though that my parents at least have been local and so have DH's for some of the time so we can come and go easily and not be forced to stay with them for days! FWIW I would quite like a Christmas without extended family but with my parents so local I doubt that is going to happen we don't have your excellent excuse of being in another country.

You are far enough away to tough it out if your mother does have a moan about not being invited - just ignore her!

Or how about if you arrange to see them in the days before or after Christmas so Christmas itself is not spoilt but you do at least do your duty if it plays on your conscience too much? How about New Year as a reason to get together?

I don't feel the same obligation towards my dad because I never lived with him and never spend christmas with him as a child. I only started doing it after I had left home and he got divorced for the second time and I didn't want him to be alone. I also have 3 half-sisters from him, so I don't feel like I'm the only one. He spends christmas eve (the main bit in Germany) by himself but cooks for the whole family on christmas day as the paternal side of my family actually likes spending time together.

My mum's christmas arrangement is out of necessity. She spends it with a cat's bum face with my granny who's almost 90. They don't get on either. My aunt and cousin come in because said cousin still hasn't left the nest at 33 and has nothing better to do. It's all out of obligation for my granny really.

January would probably be a good time to go to Germany in the future, if the airports are open that is. We'd go once a year in the summer for sure to stay for at least 2 weeks.

Having children makes it even harder if you don't get on with your parents because I feel like I still want to give them the chance of having a good relationship with their Gps.

I can appreciate that I'm actually lucky though. I have the distance as an excuse, partly at least.

Of course you may find that having children actually improves the situation between you and your mum. Sometimes it does, or at least you come to some sort of truce where you can stomach each other for a time especially if your child ends up with a good relationship with her. You won't know until the baby arrives really. Is she excited about the baby?

It is good that you have distance as an excuse not to visit but on the other hand, when you do, it isn't a 5 minutes pop and say 'hello' visit, is it?!

But it is a long time before you have to worry about this for real - don't let it spoil your last Christmas as a couple as it will be very different next year - mostly in a good way but certainly different.

I would be staying at home tbh.

It won't have to change at all.

Well, obviously there will be more nappies involved and possibly less booze, but where you spend it and who with doesn't have to change just because you have reproduced.

I don't think you need to worry about this. You have already got a tradition in place of spending Christmas at home, which you can continue. Think about seeing your relatives in Germany in spring, when you are up to travelling so that they can meet your baby. This will be at a less fraught time of year emotionally. As for next Christmas, stay at home as you have always done. I really don't think that any of you will benefit from having your mum to stay at Christmas, if you don't get on well already, you certainly won't cooped up together in an atmosphere of enforced jollity.

I think you will get a better idea through the year how you get on with your family, the baby's arrival might make them a bit nicer. This doesn't mean you have to alter your Christmas plans.

Once your DC is old enough you can do a new tradition - go out to Germany early Dec for the Christmas markets and tie it in with St Nicholas day (6th/7th? I think) so your mum and DC can experience some of the Christmas magic together and she can see him/her open their stocking. Then back home for Christmas in your own home.