Gift Etiquette

[TeaOneSugar]

My BIL has an ex partner (mother to his daughter) who has two teenage dc from a previous relationship. BIL is on reasonable terms with his Ex so he still sees the older DC regularly.

When they were together we treated her dc as our nieces in terms of birthday and christmas presents, but now they are separated DH thinks I should drop them off or reduce what I give them (they're teens so I put cash in a card).

I think that I should carry on giving them the cash equivalent of the gift I buy for their little sister.

DH thinks that the family of the older childrens father won't buy for the younger child that isn't strictly their relative (half sister to their grandchildren/nieces) he has children with two other woman, so she has several half brothers and sisters - and probably DH is right in this.

What do you think?

Also, should i put an upper age limit on it? The oldest turn 16 this year.

Is there a point at which you stop buying? 18?

No direct experience with 'extended' family but must admit my Aunts stopped giving me presents when I was 18.......but I still give a small 'token' present to my nephews (both in 30's).

It's sad that your BIL's relationship and family broke down but if you accepted these girls as family it would be a little harsh to suddenly cut them, even in such a small way. I'd err on the side of generosity and do presents until they're 18.

I agree, with AKMD, although I couldn't actually follow how these children were related to you.

Was a bit like a 1975 11+ question.

couldnt keep up with all that there but got the jist of it.

i say, if you can afford it and you want to do it, still send them what you sent before, if the love and connection is still there.

however, if things are quite different now i would just send a token gift and write something nice in the card like looking forward to seeing you again soon in 2012.

you also make a good point about age limits. eventually, you have to stop.
you will make the right decision in the end if you listen to yourself and not others

we have extended extended family members too but i only get for our kids, our nieces, nephews, parents and grannies. no siblings. and no best friends kids or anything like that. it all amounts to too much money and by the time youve bought your christmas dinner and all the booze and extras, we'd be skint then all christmas holidays and couldnt afford to do anything fun.
you need to draw the line somewhere.

Sorry, I probably over complicated my explanation, I suppose they were effectively my bil's step children, but he's no longer in a relationship with their mother.

They are also my niece's half sisters.

We've never had a great deal to do with them, as they are much older than my dd and I suppose they have another set of aunties, uncles etc they've known their whole lives.

But to date we have always treated them as family in terms of presents, although I now give cash for birthdays and christmas as I've no idea what to buy for teenagers.

I think I'll pursuade DH that we carry on as usual this year and see how things develop.

I'm also struggling with what cards to buy, I think I've decided on;

"Niece" card for my niece
"Our house to yours" kind of thing for ex sil and her dc or just a nice card.
"Brother" for BIL.

When they were together I went for "Brother and Family".

any thoughts?

To someone special or with love at Christmas type theme.

Fling in a fiver each. I bet they appreciate the consistency and generosity.

You sound lovely.