Help! Am I going to regret inviting my Mum for Christmas?

[TougherThanTheRest]

For the first time my family are coming to us for Christmas - in the past we've either gone there or they've come to us on Boxing Day but this year I really fancy a traditional Christmas ie presents and pig out on Christmas Day followed by a chilled and lazy Boxing Day.

I'm really excited about having everyone here but am already feeling prickles of nervousness about my Mum - I don't expect her to sit there quietly and do everything my way but she has already started to mention things she's planning to bring or do and I just know she's going to try and take over. She has a tendency to dominate occasions and I know it will drive me (and DH) mad but what can I do? I am nervous enough about cooking for everyone (already mentioned that in a jokey way but she changed the subject which makes me think she's probably unsure as well!) and just want it to be a nice relaxed few days but with her being her there are so many things that can go wrong.

I know it's only a couple of days and I know I just need to chill out and not think about it all too much - looking forward to something and building it up in my head is a surefire recipe for disaster in my experience - but is there anything else I can do to stop myself being a frazzled wreck by the end of Boxing Day?

My mum's coming for Christmas to me - not sure how long it'll be as I'm in a different country to her. But I had to invite her because my sister refuses to have her as she thinks she should have a 'family Christmas' which means my parents would be on their own if I didn't have them here

I already know she'll drive me demented, she tends to take over things to 'help' do them differently from how I'd do it, which would be fine if she didn't abandon it half way through and refuse to tell me what's she's done so I can finish if off

Why don't you have specific jobs for you mum that she can take over completely? Would that work, or does she have take over everything?

Only advice i can offer for cooking for everyone, and not becoming overly frazzled, is use one of the timetables you can get in cookbooks/magazines, they are very useful, especially the first time you do Christmas. Also prepare as much as possible in advance

This is what I do when I think a particular relative is going to annoy me. I work out roughly how many Christmases we may have left together. It puts it into its true perspective because whatever the number is, there will never be enough Christmases left.

Absolutely prepare as much as you can in advance. These days I make the stuffings, bread sauce, cranberry sauce and dessert in advance and freeze them (and they're still tasty!). And I do all the veg prep on Christmas Eve, and as much as the washing up as I reasonably can, plus I'll run the dishwasher and it empty, ready for the Christmas Day stuff.

A timetable is essential on the day, I couldn't cook christmas dinner without one, I'd be bound to forget something, or do what my dad always did and end up serving 3 hours later than I intended!

I agree about giving your mum specific tasks - that way she gets to feel useful and you get some of the pressure taken off you, but on your own terms. Could you ask her in advance to make and bring dessert, or plan a starter? Or could you get her to take the kids out for a walk, the keep her them out of the kitchen?

Try to think of Christmas dinner as a glorified Sunday roast, which gets it in perspective. Decide on your menu, but don't do over complicated things and make more work for yourself than necessary. Now is not the time to make recipes you've not tried before or aren't confident with. Have a trial run one weekend with a chicken or something. Make sure you can accommodate all the things you plan to cook in your cooker, and that your turkey will fit, giving enough room for other things as well. Also that you have enough pans that are big enough. Sort out enough crockery, cutlery, glasses, serving dishes, chairs.

Prepare things in advance, write up a cooking schedule so that you can stick to it, and you won't be stressed. If MIL wants to bring some food items, just serve them alongside what you have planned. Don't see it as 'giving in'. Of course, if you genuinely have no room in the fridge to store them, you will have to tell her so, and "it would be such a shame if they were spoiled because the fridge is full, and we can't keep them chilled." But extra baked items would always be welcome, and guests could take some home with them if there's a lot left.

Definitely give specific tasks to do, what about setting/decorating the table, preparing veg on Christmas eve, playing with DC if you have them yet, making morning coffee for everyone. Get her to help carry food to the table and clear away plates, etc.

I know you want to prove yourself, but every head chef has a team of staff behind them, and your guests will know that it wasn't all your mum's doing! I'm sure the rest of the family are used to her by now, perhaps one of them would be happy to distract her for you for a while, when it's clear she is getting on yours and DH'S NERVES? (Or ply her with drink.)

I have my mum AND mil on christmas day!

I'm preparing stuffings, braised cabbage, mince pies, sausage rolls in advance

We're not eating til 4pm, which saves having to do more food later on. I'll just bring out some cheese and crackers plus left over meat about 10 or 11 if people are hungry.

I'm delegating! So mum and mil are bring some food with them. Luckily my oven is buggered so this year I have delegated the turkey (although I'm paying for it).

And remember what girly said, it's just a posh sunday roast!

It's not really the dinner that's stressing me although it is a bit daunting! We don't have turkey so that's one thing less to worry about - will definitely be preparing lots in advance and working to a timetable though.

I think it's more my Mum's desire to organise everyone and be the centre of attention (even though she claims she hates to be). I just know she will try and shoehorn 'her' way of doing everything (from present opening to the washing up) into the way DH and I would prefer to do things and that it will drive both of us mad!

I was planning a quiz or some kind of game for after dinner (for those who fancied it) then this morning she tells me she's bought something along those lines for us all to do and I just know it will be a majorly big deal if not everyone wants to join in with whatever she's chosen. That's exactly the kind of thing I'm worrying about - I hate forced fun (although I know my quiz/game idea could be seen as being that) and just want it to be a nice relaxing day for everyone. Instead I have visions of me feeling harassed, and turning to the wine bottle DH sulking, DD being brattish (which she never is normally but seems to become in front of GPs :(), the rest of the family feeling uncomfortable and not in the least festive and my Mum oblivious to it all thinking we're having a marvellous time!

I know I need to find a way round this though and I'm not going to change her so tips for handling the day would be very welcome. Have already noted the following from the posts above:

Plan and prepare things in advance so I am less stressed about cooking
Consider delegating some tasks to her and hope she sticks to those fat chance
Can't ply her with drink as she doesn't but could get her and DD to amuse one another, she claims she never gets to spend enough time with her so an ideal opportunity
Be grateful that I have a Mum and family to share Christmas with even if I do want to throttle her a lot of the time
Be really grateful I haven't got MIL as well!

Vast amounts of alcohol will help.

I find that a general rule for life actually ENorma :)

Is there anyone apart from you who would be willing to have a little chat with her as soon as she starts trying to railroad people? Something along the lines of this being your home and you are doing the entertaining this Christmas, would she please remember she is a guest. In fact, I'm amazed no-one has done this before, if so many of you feel that her behaviour spoils things and she doesn't seem to notice. The longer she gets away with it, the more she will think it's an acceptable way to behave. It is also not a good example to set to DD that she can boss people around and get her own way.

Could you warn her in advance that people may wish to just sit and chat, or go out for a walk rather than play a game, so that she isn't surprised if that is the case? You could say if they don't want to play hers they won't want to play yours either, but you won't be upset or disappointed, so why should she be? What would actually happen if she was thwarted, would she cause a scene or just go and sulk?

I don't know whether your mum is deliberately ignoring everyone elses wishes, or she's really bad at reading people and judging atmospheres if she thinks they're all having a great time when they're really not. I think you can apply the my home, my rules.

Sorry not to have come back to this sooner, been away for work.

Thanks for that post girly, you give really sensible advice. Mum has been through some very hard times in the past (bereavement, DV, health) so people do tend to let her get away with some unreasonable behaviour and I suppose to a certain extent that is fair - I find it easier to be sympathetic as do my immediate family but DH is less understanding which rather puts me in the middle.

I must admit that since I posted the subject of Xmas has come up again a few times and she has been a bit more laid back, I suspect DSD has had a quiet word, he can be very sensible and really understands her and her issues.

Good to hear that Tougher, that you have an ally in DSD.

I sympathise with your mum and her issues, but she can't keep playing the tragic character for the rest of her life, it will drive people away from her. I think for the sake of all of you now is the time for a bit of tough love, because you can't sacrifice the happiness of all your other guests just to keep one person happy. And I think this is what your DH has observed, as he is able to be rather more objective about the situation, and he doesn't want you unnecessarily upset and stressed.

I would say definitely give your mum specific tasks. It doesn't sound in her nature to sit back and relax so think of a list of things that you could really use her help on. Some things that don't detract from the things you want to do and make special.

Looking after the kids, clearing away the wrapping paper, keeping a notebook present list for the thank you notes (who bought what goes a bit awry in our house), setting the table, bathing the DC's, making up the beds etc.

Tell her in advance what is what. A call or email beginning with "On Christmas day your help would be invaluable with a...b....c...I have the following covered..Meat, Cranberry Sauce....Pudding etc

Of all things she's trying to be helpful, perhaps feels awkward that she doesn't run Christmas anymore, a little out of place etc. If she's in charge of certain things, bite your tongue and let her run with it. If she oversteps, just breezily say...remember I have this covered mum, I need you here or here and firmly direct her back to her accepted tasks.

With the game thing, make a big deal about voting for an activity.

Votes for the quiz, votes for tv, votes for a big walk....

You can't argue with the majority

Then move swiftly and jollily along...TV wins...TV it is..motion passed!