Christmas with mother in law every year without exception

[vanillacinamon]

Just realised after 7 years of marriage that I will be having christmas with mother in law every single year for the rest of my life most likely.
I guess I knew it in some way previously but since my two children have arrived in the last 3 years (first born Nov 2008 and second May this year 2010) and since my husband effectively dodged giving me a straight answer until 2 minutes ago on the phone but has now admitted that MIL plus her gentleman friend will be arriving tomorrow at 1pm and staying for X nights - I have now realised this will be the case forever more.
Until that phone call a minute ago I had hoped one year (this year?) we might have a family christmas just my husband and our two little ones. Yes, every year up till now we have somehow spent it at hers or ours but now we have little ones the conversations which go on between MIL and husband which I am not party to "What are you doing for Christmas" seem a foregone conclusion.
MIL is divorced from husbands dad, her significant other is jewish so he does not celebrate christmas, I wonder whether my MIL sees it as automatic that she gets to see her son. My husband had said to his mum last week that we won't be going up to have christmas with her (3 hour trip there and back) and now the arrangements are that MIL is with us. So I am just hiding in the office, colleagues gone home, savouring the last few minutes to myself.

I feel your pain I am in exactly the same situation and have been for many years with no sign of it ever changing.

I occasionally water it down by inviting my parents over aswell but they often like to either be by themselves (and who can blame them) or go to one of my siblings instead.

My DH has one brother but he lives about 3 hours away whereas we live 10 minutes away from MIL...plus we have her only 2 GC (BIL has no children) so even if BIL invites MIL to theirs, she says no as she wants to be with her GC on Christmas Day.

I don't even bother having the argument with DH these days as it is never going to be any different (although this year, we are going to MIL's for the first time in years so slight variation for me!!)

what about your family? are your parents about - can you try to enforce the "one year on, one year off, one year on your own" policy??

merry christmas

thanks for your kind posts
they do mean a lot to me
my own family situation is complicated. my mum would dearly love to see the little ones but it is too complicated.
I used to get on quite well with MIL but have realised since my second baby was born that DH's family is very critical and I am sure MIL is very critical of me but never to my face. I have tried for quite a long time to tell myself that it is just me being over sensitive and paranoid but sadly i think it is not.

My husband is excitedly buying reduced price turkeys in the supermarket, i am hiding in the office missing my two babies who are in nursery till my husband comes to take us to collect them. What i would do for an evening with my little ones and a bit of peace instead of the MIL build up....

I was in the same situation. After one nightmarish christmas when MIL stayed for days, didn't lift a finger, didn't appreciate anything, smoked like a chimmney, ignored the DC and generally thought the world revolved around her I had had ENOUGH. The following year DH and I decided to say that we were GOING AWAY for Christmas. It was hard to keep up our web of deceit but soooo worth it. MIL had a lovely Christmas by all accounts

It may well be too late for this year ( though it wouldn't be for me ) but you don't have to accept this as 'the norm'.

Next year put your foot down, you are an adult and a mother, you don't have to just put up with this. If it is important to your H then it would be more than fair for you yo spend alternate years with her/without her then you would both get the Christmas you want.

Good luck for this year, and please remember that your happiness is just as important as everyone elses

You're going to have to put your foot down for next year, and insist. And you're going to have to put your foot down about not getting a straight answer. No more faites accomplis, warn your husband if he tries pulling that stunt again MIL will know in no uncertain terms that you have not invited her for Christmas, because you will phone her up and uninvite her. Even if you don't think you would do that, make him believe that you would. That's a shitty way to treat your wife.

How old is she? How many years are you looking at here? I agree that you just have to be firm on this one if she elsewhere to go. If the alternative to not seeing you was that she would be on her own at xmas, I would probably weaken.

You need to tell every one after this year that next year you will be having Christmas at home, just the 4 of you.

it took a few years but we are having Christmas at home tomorrow and going to in-laws the day after.

There is the guilt when we discover they didn't bother with a meal or opening presents on the 25th but I have decided I won't feel bad this year. Their choice.

pre-plan your fait accompli next year - invite her for a specific time before/after XMas -see if you can coo-rdinate with BIL so his invite for Xmas arrives at the same time.

if she asks what about Xmas, say you are having your parents over for a quiet one. Be firm.

I would have been really pissed off that h didn't consult with you aout the invite this year, but there's nothing you can do now.