My mother is just un-fucking-believable

[Iwasthefourthwiseman]

Just had a phone call from my mum (she is a bit of a loon, for background we recently fell out because she wanted to buy my 3 year old a laptop, yes, a proper actual laptop). She is upset apparently as she has been invited to too many things on Christmas day. We invited her here, my brother is going to his IL's and invited her there, she doesn't want to go, fair enough, it's not her family. Sister is going to her IL's, she doesn't want to go there. What she wants to do is stay at home.

She lives in a one bedroom flat so we can't all go there (me, brother, bro's girlf, sister, BIL, and 3 kids between us). It is the day before Christmas eve and she STILL hasn't decided what she wants to do for Christmas. Apparently one of my siblings made a comment along the lines of 'you don't love us enough to spend the day with us' which presumably was a joke but she didn't take very well.

I very politely suggested that she could have avoided this situation if she had planned a bit more. But no, apparently that wouldn't have helped.

I told her I didn't mind when she came up to us, she is welcome to come Christmas Day, or Boxing day, but we are going to IL's Boxing Day and while she is welcome to come I need to let her know. She doesn't want to commit herself (she bloody needs committing!). I finally pinned her down to coming up tomorrow evening but that means she won't see the girls (well, DD1) open her presents (we both agreed they should be for Christmas Day). She is in a miff with my brother and sister for 'putting pressure on her. She is going to have a miserable Christmas, she is making issues where there needn't be. She wants to spend Christmas on her own at home and tbh we would all be ok with that (not in a nasty way, but it is not a big deal if she wants to do that, it's just a day after all).

Why, why does she need to make such a big deal out of everything, and why the fuck can't she plan anything more than 24 hours in advance? She doesn't seem to get that though she doesn't make plans the rest of us do and we need to know what she wants to do, and she shouldn't get in a bloody mood when she doesn't get to do what she wants. I was very polite (anything more and it would end in tears for me) and have learned to let her get on with things. And I can't help but feel bad that we aren't going there, but there is nowhere for us to stay and we have a toddler and a 3 month old, I couldn't face all the travelling and staying away, and that's why I haven't said anything more to her.

Aaaarrrggghhhhh!

And breath
It sounds like you know there is nothing you can do to change the way your mum is.
She has got herself into this pattern of behaviour. For some reason it suits her.

It could be the drama, some people thrive on it, even though its destructive.

YOu have done what you can. If she spends Christmas day on her own its because she has chosen to.

You have my sympathies.

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I meant 'and breathe' doh.

I have no words of wisdom or solution to this situation. Just wanted to say that from conversations with friends and reading MN, you are not alone in having painful parents.

Perhaps just ignoring her and waiting for her to decide is the solution? All the rest of you just plan your Christmas day etc.

She find a way of making it other people's fault though, it's like walking on egg shells

Thanks for the support though, I'm not even bothered really, just completely astounded by her complete lack of touch with reality!

It does sound like a fantastic way of getting attention. Perhaps if everyone said 'that's fine mum, whatever you prefer' she'd be forced to rethink her strategy!

Very frustrating for you.

Awww.. you sound exactly like a friend of mine who has exactly yhe same issues with her Mother at Christmas. She never got any better (the Mother is 92 I think?) and it causes this crap EVERY YEAR!

I know exactly what you mean though, it's a horrible form of manipulation :(
tbh, I'd be very much in the 'sod you then, do what you want' camp, but if my friend's Mum is anything to go by she'd then play the 'But this might be my last Christmas' card.

It DOES sound like this could have been avoided though - perhaps in future speak with your siblings so that you don't all offer out invite. I appreciate this may not solve the problem if all she wants to do is stay at home and make you feel bad, but it's worth a shot.

Ah - major sympathies - my mum is the same - I don't have any magical solutions but my advice would be to just keep reiterating that you love her and she is welcome to join you whenever and for however long she wishes.

TBH I've just given up with my mum and just try and go with the flow - the one time I tried to pin my mum down it was an absolute disaster - ended up with having a stand up arguement in the street with her threatening to kill herself on Christmas day

My mother is also spending Christmas Day on her own, with ham, egg and chips for lunch , despite being invited to each of her children's Christmas celebrations, and to her brother's house in Spain.

She just 'can't be bothered' this year. I was a bit miffed initially, but realised that as a grown woman, I can't force her to do anything.

You have my sympathy, but I think you need to take a step back and just allow her to get on with it. She may play the martyr later next year (I'm sure my mum will), but you will know that you've done all you could.

Oh, dear, sound like others have similar problems.

I'm only just realising just how selfish it is not to consider other people and force everyone to take the same laisez faire attitude she has, and God forbid we challenge it . She is very much 'this is who I am take it or - take it'!