This will be my first crap Christmas - does that mean I'm a grown up now?

[oneofsuesylvesterscheerios]

Sorry this is very long. I need to write everything down though as I think it might help.

This is the first Christmas that I'm really having to put other people's feelings ahead of mine in a way that makes me actively miserable.

I posted briefly about it a few weeks ago on another non-Christmas thread and since then it's really struck me how much I'm not looking forward to it.

Firstly, dh and his brother had a HUGE fallout over 3 years ago and haven't really spoken since. BIL was an absolute pig to dh and dh was very very hurt. Usually in the past when he's been treated like shit by his brother it's always been dh that makes the effort to sort it out (dh kind of hero-worshipped his brother all of his life). This time dh decided to see how long it would take his brother to make an effort to sort things out.... and he never did. He's a very controlling/toxic character and it's taken this time for dh to come to terms with the fact that his brother never really valued him. He went through all the angry/sad bits and now he's actually ambivilent about him. They now acknowledge each other at least when their paths cross and dh isn't bothered by it all now, but also has lost the desire to have a 'brotherly' relationship with him. I don't have any feelings towards BIL (and his wife who's a spoilt princess) other than dislike.

MIL and FIL have been very upset by all this, understandably. They have acknowledged that BIL is the problem but all they want is harmony and a chance to have all their family around them. It's them that have arranged for the grandchildren to spend time with one another and the kids all love each others to pieces. But we've never had any time with all the parents and kids all together since the big row.

This is the first Christmas we won't have my dad with us. He usually comes with us to MIL and FIL's house on Cmas day. But this year he's dying and is in a nursing home with a muscle wasting disease. He won't be able to join us outside of the nursing home. Obviously we will spend a proportion of the day there with him. But for the rest of the day MIL has decided it is time dh and his brother all spend the day together on Cmas day with all the kids there. She has invited them up for the day and they have agreed. MIL is seeing this as real progress and all she wants is everyone together. There's no doubt the kids will love it.

And I am absolutely hating even the thought of it all. Not only do I have to come to terms with the fact that my lovely dad is stuck in a nursing home but when I leave him I have to go to MIL's house where there will be a huge hole where my dad used to be, filled with two people I actively dislike.

I've tried to be grown-up about it - it has to be this way for MIL, FIl and the kids. But there's a part of me that feels gutted, angry, hateful to be spending time with dh's completely dysfunctional brother when I'll be missing my dad so much. I don't think I can stay the whole day at the nursing home - I do want to see my own kids and my dad will want that too. Poor dh is treading on eggshells as everything Cmas is mentioned he can see me getting upset. How can I get over this?

sorry to hear about your dad. the rest of it - get over it for your ils sake. its just a day and as long as the kids enjoy it you have had a good christmas.

i prefer christmas eve anyway

You're right; I do need to get over it. But I'm finding it hard to be reasonable and grown up about it. I've always LOVED Christmas day previously and don't think I can this year. But yes, you're right. I need to man up.

arggghhhhhhh

It sounds like you are in for a crap Christmas this year, but there will be better Christmases in future.
DH and his mum have had some miserable Christmases - he is an only child and his dad died on Christmas day so the few years after that, when it was just them, with everything reminding them, must have been utterly miserable. But now we have a big family Christmas and MIL comes. They still miss FIL but it is a completely different experience.
I am sure I will be in for some bad ones in future when my parents health goes; it comes to everyone at some point.
I think you need to let go of the idea that it is Christmas therefore you have a duty to be happy. Of course it's going to be tough. But all you have to do is be reasonably polite to everyone and nip off to the loo to do your raging and sadness.

(I think yr dad gets to see the children on Christmas day according to the above).

Can you go round to see dad again on Boxing Day, just you? Special time together, and you can tell him about Christmas Day with all the children. Something to look forward to for both of you as a reward.

So sorry to hear about your Dad.

I'm afraid you will just have to man up though and try to smile for your DCs sake.

Our Christmas Days now are not what they were when I was growing up as we have no family nearby - every year I get angry and cross that I cannot give my DD the Christmas that I used to have, but she loves it. And I have learned to accept what I have got. Mind you, I still get cross when my DH and my Dad fall asleep in front of the telly and refuse to play games.

Although I think my Dad will be in a care home over Christmas so it will be down to just the three of us. I would love for my DD to have other children to play with on Christmas Day, so can you not look at it from that point of view - your DCs will enjoy it.

It might not be as terrible as you think and if things get tense at MIL's you will be going to see your Dad, so won't be on top of them all day.

Do you have plans for Boxing day? could you plan to have a day of lovely food, cosy snuggles on the sofa watching crapola on the tv with your DH and dc's?

I'm really sorry to read about your dad. I am sure that hole wont be filled, no matter where you are for the day. I'm also sure that your MIL and FIL will understand, and will more than likely go out of their way to try and just pull everything together and make your day enjoyable.

As for the BIL, well I could have written the exact post myself, except for your BIL having a wife and kids. Mine doesn't, is totally single (no wonder tbh) and has plenty of time on his hands to cause disruption and mayhem for us... even 10 months after OH has completely stopped talking to him, it's still going on.

I think you need to accept the fact this is going to be hard and just roll with it. Don't make any "set in stone" plans. Don't set an amount of time for the nursing home, in case you want to stay longer, or in case your father wants you to sod off and "enjoy" christmas. See if you can get up, do presents and breakfast and enjoy as much time as you can alone with the children and your OH, even get up an hour earlier than you usually do if it means more time is free... The rest of it, I would play by ear.

A few suggestions off the top of my head:

Focus on the 23/24th Dec at home with your family so lovely meal, family film, clean pjs, note to Father Xmas, make tht part special.

Become the unofficial Official Photographer for Xmas day. See the day through the camera lens, so shots of the house, tree, decorations, kids unwrapping presents, table, food, empty plates. So your part of the day but slightly distanced.

Create a book on Snapfish, send to all next xmas as major family present.

This worked for me during summer getogether when the in laws family was all a bit much. Understand the stress.

Sorry about your Dad, best wishes to you both.

Love the idea of the photographer and making books! Really nice idea and will keep you a little distracted, I'm sure.

I'm really sorry about your Dad, and also the situation with BIL.

As a minor coping strategy at the ILS, I would find a few things to do in rooms where BIL was not, e.g. offer to help in the kitchen, clear dining room, play with all the children. That way you keep yourself occupied, and limit the amount of time with BIL to a minimum. DH could do this too if things are getting a bit much. 10 mins away from someone can be quite rejuvenating, rather than sitting making awkward small talk. Keep telling yourself that it's just a part of one day, and the children will enjoy it, which is good.

Promise yourself that you will get some counselling in the New Year.

Thank you for these thoughtful comments and suggestions. We are having family support from the hospice which has been invaluable and j also get to see a counsellor on my own every 2 to 3 weeks. I haven't spoken to her yet about the BIL situation; I think I'm a bit embarrassed to be focusing on what I think are selfish feelings in some ways. But Im seeing her next week so I'll get it off my chest this week.

I think I'm doing ok in many ways and we're just getting on with it bug when something goes wrong I can feel myself really losing it, like I'm very on the edge. I went to see my dad this morning and he said 'oh don't worry about me on Xmas day, you don't want to be stuck here' and he meant it. He also actually said he considered himself lucky today as he gets to be fed by the staff (can't pick up a spoon any more or raise his arms) while other folk in the home try to feed themselves and drop food all down them. Breaks my heart.

And it annoys me to think of dad being 'replaced' on Xmas day with MIL and FIL fussing over BIL and delighted because we're all sat in the same room together. BIL is one of the most self-centred people I've ever met and yet my dad hasn't even complained even once about what's happened to him.