Would like to check what you would do in this situation

[Unprune]

I think I know what we are going to do, but I'd like some other opinions.

Imagine you have a BIL/SIL whom you're not close to and the bond is not one of blood.

Year 1: everyone gets on well, presents exchanged at Christmas.

Year 2: you haven't fallen out, but SIL has made it clear she dislikes everyone in the family and feels sorry for her DH not having a family he can count on. Everyone rather confused but since BIL himself doesn't say anything, assume it is 'just her'.
People buy presents for them as normal at Christmas; they give Oxfam gifts (without warning).

Year 3: some of the family respect their wish not to have 'things' at Christmas and buy for their children. Others buy them presents, as normal. They buy for the children only.

Year 4: gifts are bought for their children. They do not buy any for the children, or anyone else.

Year 5: ?????

I wonder if SIL is depressed. Can sometimes manifest as controlling, neurotic, even paranoid behaviour. The person is often over-zealous in their parenting, everything has to be just so. Also obsessive about being dressed up to go out, perfect make-up and hair etc. All DC food home cooked, house cleaned to almost sterile, children dressed as if they'd just stepped out of Harrods childrens dept. Is SIL like this?

Mine is

Every thing has to be continum parenting, waldorf, steiner, organic, dressed Enid Blyton style. Says all DCs food is home cooked but actually feeds them pasta All the time, house not cleaned - germs are good for them. Determined to give children a picture perfect childhood and stop them growing up but in reality shouts at them, lots of tv, miserable looking kids. Very sad.

I did suggest this in the past to the extended family but everyone looked sidewards and started talking loudly about golf. They're not a family to discuss their troubles at all.

Sorry for small hijack - Blackbag, where did you get the map done?

OP - I would buy for the children. They (yours and BB's) sound like sad families and I think the children will appreciate your gifts.

I guess I can't understand why you can't ask them directly (I suggested by phone as with a direct phone call you know that they got the message, they have to give you some kind of answer, you know that the email wasn't lost in the ether, the dog didn't eat a letter, they didn't mistake a textmessage for spam, etc.).

Must be a cultural thing. .

Maybe the SIL feels as frustrated as you do, sounds like her DH isn't bothered about maintaining family connex and she doesn't want the extra stress of it when he won't make the effort himself.

Hello Sue, now I really must go and hide -the crap-- arrange flowers for PIL visit and stop bumping into you on MN.

map maker

Play around with it, for my parents who belong to local boozy walking group we put 'pubs clearly marked' on cover.

As the little ones get older I will buy, especially if I can hand them directly over, in the past have had snide comments about how DD was out in garden playing with her silver teaset , when I'd sent an Ikea china one .

Ragged ikwym but honestly, the last phone call we had was over two years ago, and to ring up and say 'what about Christmas presents this year?' would be really, really antagonistic, I think. Interesting point about her not wanting to pick up her DH's slack.

Hmm, yes to SIL being controlling, though she has told me it is BIL who is the neat freak (etc) and he makes her comply. Their parenting style (theirs, not hers alone) is certainly NOT like BB's the exact opposite, I would say (has caused concern in the past tbh but they are no worse than your average fifties parents, I suppose).

PMSL at silver teaset

Sorry - didn't read it fully about depression. She has certainly been paranoid, but in all fairness, DH's family are culturally very different to hers (British but different cultures iyswim) and they aren't that easy. So in some ways her paranoia has been more about her working them out, than out and out depression - I think. It's really hard to say when I haven't had a proper conversation with her for about 4 years now!

thank you - go and clean the bathroom again

I'd email BIL and just say: "How do you want to do Xmas pressies this year?"

Perhaps she's just really insecure then, Unprune, and feels everyone is judging. It does sound as though she prefers BIL and DH not to keep in touch.

My SIL is also depressed and also a pain in the arse... No-one on our side of the family is currently allowed to visit and so brother occasionally brings the children to visit mother/us. Not much fun and no-one has any idea what we've done to upset her so much, including my brother.

Hey ho...

I'd just buy presents for the children and leave it at that tbh.