PIL and Christmas - not sure what to do

[Lorelai]

I have a bit of a dilemma about Christmas this year. DH and I have always spent Christmas with my parents, as his parents don't really celebrate it. Since having DD (2yrs) his parents have come too, and I have had to miss church to drive up to get them (45 min drive each way) and then take them back in the evening. I have to do this as DH doesn't drive, and they are elderly (79 & 80) and don't drive either. It isn't exactly my ideal way of spending the day, but I don't mind too much as they appreciate it so much.

The thing is, this year I am pg, and due 4 weeks before Xmas. When I got pg, I told DH that there was no way I would be able to do all that driving and he would have to pass his test so that he could do it. He hasn't (hasn't even tried). So now, I am not sure what to do. They are lovely, and wouldn't expect me to do the driving that soon after having a baby, and would be absolutely fine about it, but I will still feel guilty.

(To give a bit more background, the reason they don't celebrate is that DH's older brother died quite a few years ago of cancer just after Xmas and his mother in particular finds Xmas quite hard because of this. It was only spending the day with DD that has made it into a happier time for her, and the first year they came she said afterwards that it was the best Xmas they have ever had).

I've now suggested that maybe they could stay overnight so that I could split the driving over 2 days, but to be honest I'm not sure I even want to do this - houseguests with a tiny newborn not being my idea of fun, let alone two whole days of making small talk with people I like, but who I don't have much in common with and have to make an effort with rather than being comfortable.

Any ideas? Paying for a taxi isn't really an option - £75-£100 each way would be tough to find, especially as I will be on maternity pay.

TRicky one - does your dh have any other siblings that they could spend christmas with.

tbh I'd go with the option of them coming over the night before - hand over all responsibility of food/hosting to your dh and make it clear to him that your new baby and dd are your priority over this time.

It'll probably work out quite well especially as your dd will be able to wake the gp's up early enabling you to have a lie in on xmas day!

Perhaps I'm missing something here, but why wouldn't you make this your DH's problem? It's his parents; you gave him early warning -- and it should have been blatantly obvious; and told him what to do about it (learn to drive); and you're pg so should not have to be sorting these things out anyway.

So he should deal with the issue. He could ask his parents to pay for the cab; find them a B&B; hurry up and learn to drive; find a friend who'll do the driving etc etc. But his problem, not yours.

Yes they could stay in a b&b nearby
you might find they're happy to give this Xmas a miss though
get your dh to ask them what they'd like to do at the same time as explaining you won't be able to drive them home so of course they are welcome to cms but
a) they'll have to get a taxi home or
b) they'll have to stay in a b&b

He does have a brother, but they have never spent Xmas with him, so am assuming that he doesn't celebrate either.

I did make it DH's problem, but he has just buried his head in the sand and ignored it - like he does most things (he has suffered with depression in the past so I try not to put too much pressure on him). His way of dealing with it will be to let them not come, and then I will just feel guilty, even though they will understand. No way they can pay for a taxi - they have no spare income.

To be honest, I'm not even sure they will want to/be able to stay over - we've offered before but they always declined due to needing to look after the cat, but cat has now died which is why we offered. But they are fairly infirm, and I am not sure if FIL in particular would be able to manage the stairs in out house (they have a bungalow). Also, we don't have a spare room so they would be in our bed, with DH and I having to either sleep on the floor or sofa (or one of us in DDs bed with her on the floor).

I've been hoping that my parents would offer to do the driving or put them up, but no joy so far :(

B&B would work (although I'm not sure there are any nearby), but I think they would probably turn that down.

They will be happy to give it a miss, but I will still feel bad :(

Have you asked your parents if they will help? They may be only too happy to pick up your in-laws for the day but might need prompting. No point waiting for them to offer.

You can phone them on the day and everyone have lovely long chats (!) or you could set up a webcam so they can join in the toasts, and your dd can show them her presents and you can wave baby's hand at them etc. You will still feel bad, but they will be included as far as possible.

Can you just ask your parents outright, explaining the situation this year and giving them a little guilt-trip (). Emphasise how much it would help you, with your new-born an'all, how happy you would be etc etc.

Of course, if you are really going to feel guilty, then it's worth considering that you should be fine to drive pretty much the next day after having a baby (unless you have a C-section, of course) and a baby that little will probably sleep the whole way there and back anyway.

Can you all go there for the day on Boxing Day, or the weekend before Xmas?

45 mins drive really isn't too far to ask someone else to do for you. I would either ask your parents to collect them for you on Christmas Day morning & you drive them back that evening or next day or invite your BIL & get him to collect them.

But if it comes to it I think physically you will be ok to drive too, whether you feel up to it mentally/emotionally is another thing! I did a long journey by car & ferry when my dcs were around 6 weeks old & it was fine

IF they are happy to give it a miss, then really you should not feel guilty about it. You have done a good thing for them for several years, this one year you aren't easily going to be able to - your DH should have sorted this by now and still has time to in fact.

I absolutely do not see that you need to beat yourself up over this. if you have a Csection, you won't be able to do the driving anyway (how will you get home from the hospital under those circs?). Your DH is being incredibly shortsighted over this.

Thanks all. I think I will wait and see whether they accept our invitation to stay over, and if not, then see how I feel once the baby has arrived as to whether or not I can do the driving.

Still hoping my parents will offer though (have learned over many years that I can't ask - have to let them know the situation and see if they offer - only way to do it with my parents!!).

Webcam not an option as ILs have no pc (we are talking about people who grew up poor, worked the canals for many years and MIL at least only learned to read and write in her mid-40s), and BIL doesn't drive either.

In terms of getting home from hospital, my parents/sister will sort this (and getting there in the first place) - they live literally around the corner from us.

But yes, DH is being a bit dense about the whole thing - he is now talking about learning to drive in the spring - a bit bloody late!!!

you have to remember also that baby could be late. there is no way you can do that driving possibly 2 weeks after giving birth, and if for any reason you have to have a c-section, you wont be allowed to drive for 6 weeks after. can IL's get the train to you and stay a couple of days?

Oh, I am definitely taking that into account! That's why I will probably only decide once it's here. Train would be an option if they didn't have to cross London.

Couldn't your DH go and meet them on the train, get taxi across London then get on train again?

My non-driving SiL has done this with her elderly parents before (78 and 79) and it worked quite well.

Or perhaps there would be somewhere they could cross away from London?

Yeah, that might be an option. His punishment for not learning to drive in time Still means they have to stay over, but does solve the driving problem.