Was this church leader's comment to my 12-year-old inappropriate?

[Noelle101]

Hey guys, I’m not religious but I’ve been caring for my niece who asked me to take her to church and I’m asking if this is normal

my niece is 12.

She told me during Sundays school they were told to draw who they want to be when they grow up. Kids drew pop star, footballer etc

my niece drew an actress. (She loves drama and wants to be an actress when she grows up)

When church leader asked, she said actress.

this woman then says “so you’ll get naked if they ask you to?”

am I right to find this comment very odd and inappropriate?

she also didn’t ask any other kids this kind of question, including kids who drew pop star and model

Completely inappropriate. So sorry that was your experience of church.

Totally inappropriate. I would email your concerns to the church. They must have a safeguarding officer.

That is really weird. I agree with the others. Contact the safegurding lead.

she also told me this morning before school she’s had multiple private meetings in another room with pastor and other church leaders this year

without my knowledge

meetings lasting up to hour and a half

last meeting was one church leader telling her she knows she’s been accessing “bad” websites at home and she knows because “my son is a computer programmer/cyber security specialist so he can find out what websites anyone is visiting”

followed by an hour long lecture/telling her off

my daughter asked other kids, they didn’t have meetings like this, nothing about their internet activity

i am very shocked and confused

this isn’t normal is it

She also told me this morning before school she’s had multiple private meetings in another room with pastor and other church leaders. without my knowledge
meetings lasting up to hour and a half

last meeting was one church leader telling her she knows she’s been accessing “bad” “evil” websites at home and she knows because “my son is a computer programmer so he knows/can find out what websites anyone is visiting”

followed by an hour long lecture/telling her off

my daughter asked other kids, they didn’t have meetings like this, and nothing about their internet activity

i am very shocked and confused

this isn’t normal is it

What kind of church is this? It sounds so weird. I've never come across anything like it at any church I know. She needs to go to a decent church.

It’s a “non-denominational charismatic apostolic church”

someone recommended this church to us and it’s close to our house. It seemed like a normal church

Is it in a network or stream of churches?

That all sounds dodgy as anything. No decent church leader should have a meetings with a 12 year old and other church leaders without the parent/guardian's knowledge or agreement or without the parent or other appropriate adult being there as well. Safeguarding red flags all over the place!

Please OP, take her to a C of E church with a good youth provision near you. They are regulated much better than these alternative ‘churches’. I am sure many are fine and safeguarding issues happen everywhere but this is inappropriate and could put your niece off faith for life.

To be fair there are many non C of E churches that also would regulate better than this, and not all C of E churches do a very good job of safeguarding. Just look at Mike Pilavachi.

But whatever the church, a red flag is a red flag.

What the hell!!!

I just spoke to someone who used to go that church, they said they left because when their 10 year old kid was playing hide and seek, she once hid in toilets with another girl, they, the church leaders began spreading rumours/slander she was “sexually touching” other kids.

they had zero evidence to believe this, if it wasn’t insane enough they jumped to that conclusion, they never spoke to her parents, or her, they never asked other kids if anything happened, just began spreading this disgusting rumour.

she found out because people in that church began acting weird and treating her and her child bad. A parent told her.

When she confronted them, they insisted and argued it happened despite having zero evidence and admitting they never asked any children what happened.

They also were claiming she was writing perverted sexual stuff in her diary. (Her parents looked at that diary, there was nothing like that there)

Please report all of this to someone in safeguarding at the local council and/or the police and move to a different more mainstream church. C of e, Methodist, Baptist and lots of other denominations are a much safer bet. If you are happy to share your town i am sure people could help find a good modern safe church.

No, it doesn’t seem to be

I would always avoid a church that isn't part of a denomination or network. There's a distinct lack of accountability.

I grew up in one like that but I wouldn’t now. As you say, there isn’t enough accountability. I’ve seen how it can go wrong.

I’m sorry your DD went through what she did, OP, it must have been so hard on her and all of you. That sort of thing really should never happen!

This needs to go outside whatever 'structure' that church has in place. Most areas have a MASH, Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub or an equivalent and it needs to be reported there, in detail.

And of course you will never let her go there again, hopefully.

There should be a safeguarding lead at the church and this ahould be esay to find on their website. Please contact them. You could stop something even worse happening.

there isn’t one.

Also i spoke to the pastor and church leaders. They told me my niece is lying and “you have no proof this happened”

Something worse already happened.

i posted this question somewhere else and someone contacted me.

They went to that church and they told me they spread disgusting rumour/slander/false sexual abuse allegation about her 11 year old child. Claiming she “sexually touched” other children.

(the kids were playing hide and seek and hiding in toilets)

no child actually said this. No child was questioned, the girl wasn’t questioned. The girls parents weren’t told anything.

It was the church leaders who saw kids coming out of toilets and decided it happened and began spreading this rumour in church.

the parents had no idea. This went on for a year and half, adults and other kids treating her badly and she had no idea why.

they also had private meetings with this child lecturing and telling her she is “immoral” and “bad” without the parents knowledge.

When the mother found out because she heard this from someone and confronted them, the pastor and church leaders said it happened. When she asked if any child actually said this, they said they don’t need to ask the other kids what happened because it’s obvious her daughter is “sexually immoral” and “how dare she question and not trust the pastor” “if the pastor said it happened, then it happened”

they said she has a diary with a key where she needs to check because she is writing “perverted sexual immoral stuff in there” which the mother checked and there was nothing like this.

they also threatened the mother into silence saying “don’t you dare try to complain, our people and our children are loyal, we will have witnesses and people to back us up, they will believe us over you and YOU WILL LOSE”

the girl ended up attempting suicide after this.

i am just horrified…

In that case you definitely need to report this to the police and to council safeguarding. It is illegal for them to not have a safeguarding person . They may as well be running a paedophile ring rather than a church because awful people will take advantage of the lack of safeguards.

Seriously, what church is this? It's off the rails.

25/09/2026 19:44 What the hell!!! post says from second or third hand gossip, it is a 10 year old girl playing hide and seek in the toilets and accused of sexually touching

27/09/2026 10:48 Something worse already happened. In today's post quoted above, it is an additional different girl aged 11 who from second or third hand gossip who has an almost identical story. You found this out because you posted this [same] question somewhere else and someone contacted you.

@Noelle101 this isn’t normal is it

I agree, the whole thing is not normal. I wonder how increasingly worse this sad tale is going to become. I am also bound to observe that you had a safeguarding responsibility towards your 12 year old niece to not have left her alone in premises with which you do not have any personal connection, 'church', or no. Where are your niece's parents in all this? The whole story is utterly bizarre and increasingly so.

Tbh, I am not sure you want from Christian Mumsnetters. As has already been said, you need to raise your own experience and concerns with the appropriate authorities. Other parents/guardians will need to do the same, if they haven't already.

What is the name of the 'church'? What area of the country is it in?

“additional different girl“

it’s the same girl, I just got her age mixed up

“am also bound to observe that you had a safeguarding responsibility towards your 12 year old niece to not have left her alone in premises with which you do not have any personal connection, 'church', or no“

I was with her in the church. I never left her alone there. She was only alone when she went to Sunday school.

“you need to raise your own experience and concerns with the appropriate authorities“

but what authorities? the church doesn’t seem to have safeguarding person. And even if they did, I bet it’d be one of the pastors people, who called my daughter a liar.

im trying to figure out where I can report this to

the church is in east London.