Confused

[Fables1985]

I've put this in here as I'm a Christian and didn't want to put in the relationship forum as they can be quite brutal at times. I've got a chronic health condition since summer 2022 which has left me house and now bed bound.

I've been with my fiancé for over ten years but have found in the last few years he's been buying porn dvds, lads mags, and girlie calendars. The other day I discovered he'd been searching online for gay men for casual sex. There were five different searches for the local area. I don't know what to think as he's never shown any interest in men before, or maybe it's just curiosity?

He's not a Christian but does read the daily Bible notes, which is bizarre as he obviously doesn't take in what they say! He has been brilliant with looking after me as he works full time and has his own pretty serious health issues. I do love him and he says he loves me every day, I'm just very confused as to why he would search for this 😞

I'm a Christian and no way would I tolerate this or seek to understand him. I'd simply end it.

I'd do exactly the same if I was a non-Christian by the way.

Please don't marry this man.

@Fables1985 I'm just very confused as to why he would search for this

If you are a Christian, then, really - you really need to ask?

Why are you confused that somebody, who is not a disciple of Christ Jesus, is seeking out porn and casual promiscuous sexual hook ups? The answers include: because that is their nature; because they can; because it is available … 101 reasons.

The greater questions are why are you asking strangers on the internet, rather than him? Why do you continue to be in a relationship and (presumably) want to marry a man who is so disrespectful towards you?

Yes, silly me asking strangers on the internet for advice. Thankfully I've a genuine BORN AGAIN Christian friend who I've since spoken to, I've known her over 20 years and her help is vastly superior and of course she prayed as well. I won't be asking "advice" on here again.

Ouch! To be fair @Fables1985, you did not ask for advice, you asked on a Christian board why he is wanting porn and why he is actively seeking out promiscuous casual sexual hook ups. My response and observation was based on the fact that any Christian will know that we live in a fallen and sinful world - that answers a general why, which if you are a Christian, you already know. For a specific why for him, none of us strangers on the internet are mind readers and you need to him, his own ‘why?’

However, if it is advice you are seeking, I agree with the advice already offered upthread - end it; do not marry him.

Pleased to hear you had vastly superior help from a real life friend of over 20 years, who of course is best placed to know you and the situation with your disrespectful fiancé of 10 years. 💐

I think the OP is asking why he's doing this in terms of he's got a partner so why does he need to, rather than a theological question.

@ZoobyZoobyZoo I don’t know the mind of the OP, but either way, my answer regarding the fiancé’s sexual immorality remains the same. Christians know that people sin because we are in a fallen world. Only the fiancé can answer why he does what he does … but essentially he does it because that is his nature and because he can.

Because this is the Christian board, I think the OP should also take heed of the warnings about being unequally yoked, and as you advised: “no way would I tolerate this or seek to understand him. I'd simply end it.”

That’s understandably very upsetting and confusing. Discovering something like this would make anyone question trust, regardless of the love and care that’s been shown. There may be many explanations, but it’s not something you should ignore or carry alone. An honest conversation with him is important, and your feelings and boundaries matter just as much as his actions. Be gentle with yourself while you seek clarity.

I would slow things down in terms of your engagement, OP.

It sounds as though the difficulties of your joint situation have given him the opportunity to dwell on what/who he is drawn to sexually.

Although your relationship began when you thought that you had each found what you were looking for, it's possible that things have changed for him.

It does occasionally happen that men with female partners find themselves drawn to men later in life.

I would put heart and soul now into caring for yourself and being as well as possible, drawing on all available resources, perhaps via the GP.

It sounds as though you and your partner have grown in different directions.

I would rethink getting married to this man. I don't think that he is what you are looking for.