Trying to help someone who has been hurt by someone else

Justmerach · 2025-10-10T19:42:15+00:00

Hi everyone. I am trying to wonder how best to help someone who has been hurt by other people to a significant degree.. Well, my parents met in their 20s and separated when I was 28, I am now 52 and my mum still has bitter memories about money being missued with my dad who is now 81 and changed from his 20s and 30s when he was paying for colleges and children school fees and my mum wanted my brothers to go state school and not private. Whenever I try and help my dad I say it is my love and duty and she doesn’t get it and thinks I am being used which I am not. I love to help my dad to go abroad once a year which I budget for. What is the expectation in your opinion how to treat someone who is hurt a lot. I have told them to respect this persons relationship with me and it is different to their own and them, but they still have a lot of hurt, they are good with most people it seems but this person. What is the expectation on someone who hurt by another to a moderate to extreme degree. To forgive, to respect or to love and how. Am I best person to try and mediate this?

byfaithandnotbysight · 10/10/2025 23:07

I think it should not be your job to navigate this.

A few questions:
Are you treating both parents the same financially? Is your mum resentful because she feels like you're giving your dad more than her? Or simply because you're giving him anything at all?

Are either/both of your parents Christian?

Ultimately someone needs to help your mum work through these feelings but it ought not to be you. I think its okay for our to put in some boundaries around this with your parents

Original poster

Justmerach · 10/10/2025 23:36

Thank you byfaithandnotbysight
I only told my mum actually this time as she told me to assit my dad a token £100 at a wedding a custom and he should hand it to the couple and then I should go it back later from the couple. I said I cannot I have already done my bit for my dad and then she hit the roof and became difficult over it me even helping my dad etc. I didn't want to give the extra money as I thought I might not see it again handing it like that.

I look at people according to their need. My mum I have helped her where she has need like applying for dial a ride before 80 and Taxi card to and now another form of reduced transport. I get her medical appointments at times and told her to go to the hospital for her hand which turned out to be broken. When she has travelled I have given her some pocket money to buy herself something nice but just a small gift. My mum doesn't need any money and is not low on reserves so to speak. My brother has two times paid her ticket to travel as well and I said nothing to her, I was pleased my brother was treating her and not my dad. She did ask me earlier what about her, and then I told her she was well looked after already.

Now, my mum helps others and has to both of her parents when they were living. I have had a history of chronic illness and most of her life she has known me as unwell with anorexia and I am diagnosed with autism and she keeps on calling me disabled in spite like I cannot take care of my affairs with this when I can and my father would never do this to. This person has apologised to for the past.

I was thinking about the Bible and Jesus pay back what you owe to others, what about if someone never pays someone back, just a general question what are they expected to do, forgive or respect them or is there a different law?

Also, I saw this in CS Lewis love-
At first it read like someone can have a one of blunder with someone but have divine love by God and then I read it and it didn't seem like that the scripture.
a. a normally loving person observed during a rare moment when he/she acted uncharacteristically (Phil. 3:12-16),

I have just pasted her some portions on forgiveness from the Bible and about Galatians 3.28 and that everyone is loved by God disabled or not.

I will not try and take her through this if any steps are needed. I looked at her church website and didn't any such courses on forgiveness. She may need a spiritual counsellor and it won't be me, thank you

OP posts:

byfaithandnotbysight · 11/10/2025 07:53

Tbh this sounds like more than just a forgiveness issue on your mum's part.

Even if she still struggles to forgive your dad after all these years, she should not be getting angry at you for having a relationship with him and doing things for him. That is not simply unforgiveness, that is sonething else.

For yourself in relation to your own relationships with your family, I think you need to look into what forgiveness looks like.

An analogy might be: If you lend someone your car and they smash it up, you can choose to forgive them by not holding them responsible for the repair costs, but that doesn't mean you have to keep on lending them your car.

Both your posts make it sound like your mum's treatment of you is not always great. Read Lysa TerKeurst's book on boundaries in Christian relationships. If your mum is mistreating you then its okay for you to protect yourself from that and still hold her in a place of forgiveness

Thegreatestoftheseislove · 11/10/2025 09:02

@Justmerach , I agree with @byfaithandnotbysight - this sounds like more than just a forgiveness issue on your mum's part.

Forgive me for being blunt, and I say this out of a sense of concern, but you sound very vulnerable. I have read many of your posts and you appear to me to be almost child like in your trust and naivety- you have shared a lot on this public forum that has disclosed who you are. I am sending you a hug (((Justmerach)))

You are doing ok! Autism is a disability covered by the Equalities Act 2010. However, that label does not define who you are in Christ. If you allow Him, and it sounds like you do, He will use your superpower.

You are doing ok! You love your dad, and do your best for him.

You are doing ok! You love your wider family and do your best for them.

You are doing okay! You love your mum and do your best for her.

You, @Justmerach are doing ok! You are not responsible for childhood hurts done to you. You are not responsible for how your parents act now, nor historically. You are not responsible for how your mum feels about your dad, nor for the dynamics of their relationship.

Share scriptures and the Gospel by all means, but the bottom line is, your mum, dad, and wider family - they are all individual human beings, and their relationship with the Lord is uniquely their own. With the proviso you do not cause them to stumble, which, it is clear you do not, you are not responsible for their walk.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and He helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise Him.

Original poster

Justmerach · 11/10/2025 10:03

byfaithandnotbysight · 11/10/2025 07:53

Tbh this sounds like more than just a forgiveness issue on your mum's part.

Even if she still struggles to forgive your dad after all these years, she should not be getting angry at you for having a relationship with him and doing things for him. That is not simply unforgiveness, that is sonething else.

For yourself in relation to your own relationships with your family, I think you need to look into what forgiveness looks like.

An analogy might be: If you lend someone your car and they smash it up, you can choose to forgive them by not holding them responsible for the repair costs, but that doesn't mean you have to keep on lending them your car.

Both your posts make it sound like your mum's treatment of you is not always great. Read Lysa TerKeurst's book on boundaries in Christian relationships. If your mum is mistreating you then its okay for you to protect yourself from that and still hold her in a place of forgiveness

Edited

Thank you byfaithandnotbysight-your reply was very helpful to and made me think.

OP posts:

Original poster

Justmerach · 11/10/2025 10:30