Church hurt has to be the worst kind of pain

[SortthisoutpleaseJesus]

Just that really. I am 6 months on and still have days when it hits me hard. Yes I have had counseling.

Church is meant to wrap you up. Be a safe refuge from the stuff that happens outside. Be a place where you feel your shoulders drop and you can rest in God’s presence until it’s time to leave, refreshed. Where you can be you, with all the bad parts too.

When it goes wrong it is devastating. Makes you hyper vigilant and sad.
Jesus, please come and fix this. This is paramount to bereavement.
Please don’t suggest another church. That is a thread in itself.
Please pray. Thanks for reading.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Praying you feel His presence and that He heals the hurt. Sending love. X

It really is awful. The place where you should feel family and community and safe can be far from that. I'm sorry for your pain.

I hear your pain, and my heart goes out to you.

The 'church' is its people — imperfect, human, and sometimes deeply flawed, and it hurts when those to whom we look for love and support fall short. But please remember, the safest place we can turn is always to Jesus Himself. In Him, there’s peace, healing, and a love that never fails.

As Psalm 46 reminds us, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” You’re not alone, and He is always near.

So in very recent weeks there has been a bit of progress. The other side is very tentatively reaching out. But there is awkwardness and I hate it. I know I am giving off 'stay away' vibes, and that is not because I want this person to stay away. I just don't know how to be after so long. It is someone I used to trust with my whole heart. I almost want to say - I am so sorry, I just don't know how to be around you, but I do want to be around you, if you see what I mean.

I don't think I would be as upset as this in any other context.

I think this is a time to be "as wise as serpents and innocent as doves". I would be friendly and kind but keep my safe distance.

It is good to hear that things are progressing. 🙏 Broken trust takes a long time to rebuilt, and you can take all the time you need. It is such a hopeful update, and you have been very gracious, I'm sure time will heal - but things will never be as before. What you want to say sounds perfectly okay and perhaps if you said it, and acknowledge the awkwardness, it may help a little?

Thank you.
I can see the effort. This person told me recently that she had prayed for me. She made a point of coming over to the group that I was standing in and made eye contact and asked if I was ok. She then the other week asked if she could sit next to me at Mass.
I do so badly want to reconcile. And I know I am being standoffish and I know that this is not forgiving, and the opposite of what Jesus would want. It must feel horrible for her if indeed she is trying to make amends and I am being awkward.

But the thing is I have never had an actual apology. Maybe if I did, that would help. It would be firm proof that it's time to take steps forward. Of course I know you don't always need an apology but it would help. I would of course apologise for anything I had done too.

I have offered olive branches of sorts. I supported a charity campaign recently, I have mentored a new member at church and I have offered to read. I am just so quiet around her. I feel like a shadow of who I was at church. And we used to talk almost every day. Now I just worry how much of myself I can share. I want to share more.

I am talking to someone independently about it and she has been so helpful. As have all of you, and the parish too. I have had plenty of support there.

But the thing is I have never had an actual apology. Maybe if I did, that would help. It would be firm proof that it's time to take steps forward. Of course I know you don't always need an apology but it would help. I would of course apologise for anything I had done too.

I think this is actually important. An apology (assuming it's a genuine one and not a "I'm sorry if you thought..." type) does put it in a different light because they are admitting they have done wrong; it puts closure on the situation, and means that they will try not to do it again (hopefully)
And it's Biblical to apologise when you have done wrong.

I think (I may be misremembering) you had someone who offered to intercede between you. Assuming you are in the position where you can forgive, then speaking to this person and saying that an apology would make a huge difference to you, and help you move on, may be the way to go.

Thank you - think you're thinking of a different post as I haven't involved anyone else in this (although some others do know about it but have just listened). I do not want the whole 'third party' or mediation thing. It's to formal. I never wanted this in the first place and I would clam up. This is between just two people.
I would be open to an apology and reconciliation. I would, of course, apologise too if needed. I am not a hard, unforgiving (insert word that doesn't feature in the Bible). But I was so badly hurt, not just a bit offended. I handed this person the broken parts of me and always trusted that she would handle them gently, not throw them against the wall. And if I think honestly, it is not in her nature to hurt people, she doesn't go round routinely doing it. For that I pray for her, it must feel horrible.
The asking to sit next to me was a big thing. She always sits on her own.

Do you think she's aware of how much she hurt you? If not, might it be worth a gentle (and honest) conversation at some point where you can say that to her, and that as a result of that you now don't know how to be around her? I'm guessign you might feel like she has to earn your trust back again somehow, but if she's not aware she has to do that, then potentially you both end up being a bit 'stuck'. If that's not a conversation you feel you can have with just the two of you, maybe it's worth getting a third person that you trust (vicar / other?) to be with you?

She is aware. And it goes against all her principles. She doesn't go around routinely doing it. To be honest it's been very obvious. I am a shadow of who I was before.
She made herself very unwell earlier on this year. I do think the stress of this situation contributed.
I am open to her. I know she feels horribly embarrassed. I don't believe in 'earning' respect or trust, and I would be open to a reconciliation. I just don't want any 'bodyguards' or anyone else involved. This is not a situation I ever would have sought and I have never been in such a situation before.
I care about her deeply still. I pray for her every day. I pray that God will take care of her and bring back her gentleness.