That's it really. 2 kids 8 and 10 with lots of neuro, developmental and lifelong medical issues. He treats them so badly emotionally despite knowing their issues. Been like this from the beginning. Extremely low bar for tolerance for all of us. Hasn't attended church for years. I've gone from working full time to not working at all as I was always carrying the children's care and other needs as well as the household load. He grew up with an extremely mentally and physically violent (towards his mum) stepdad who died recently. My husband's own meltdowns are terrifying. He never met his birth dad.
We had lovely Christian visitors on Saturday whose car we bought. I gave my son my laptop to play with asking him to stay near us in the lounge whilst we transferred ownership online. The visiting couples 2 girls were playing with our girl upstairs, so the laptop was something for my son to do separately. My son got up with the laptop to go show his sister something and my husband went ballistic due to him leaving with it. Trying to get the laptop off him, of course my son reacted and it was WW3. I told him at the time we could all hear him but my husband was just shouting 'what about him?' as though he too is a child. He doesnt see how he goads, reacts, escalates and denies things with the kids. It was the first time he was like that in front of any friends, and it was those particular (my) friends first visit to our home. Their girls were shocked and questioned my daughter about it. She's learned by now and said to them just stay out of the way. It was so embarrassing and later all 3 of us confronted him saying how much he was screaming and shouting. Of course kept denying it and blaming my son.
The next day was mothers day dinner with his family with a walk in the woods in advance. He never tells me any details so I turn up in my Sunday best, everyone else in jeans, boots etc. Throughout the time at his mum's later, all the other couples were sat together. Whenever I sat with him he just got up and moved. At one point a picture of us was taken. You could see the concern in everyone's face looking at us whilst the picture was taken. We are so distant.
He rarely takes or picks them up from clubs and refuses to help with the school run despite working from home full time. Many people in our situation (adopted kids) have both parents working parttime. We even know a couple who both had to give up work altogether to meet the significant needs of their children. My son has t1 diabetes too, hence me never sleeping and being up now. My husband chooses to sleep on the sofa in the lounge, I've never asked him to do so our bed and room are very comfy. But it means he removes himself from nighttime diabetes care as I'm upstairs with the hyper and hypo alarms going off, meanwhile he silences his phone alarms and gets sleep. We have been married 12 years and honestly have probably been intimate about that many times. No sex for at least 5 years.
I sometimes ask him to take them to brigades. I dread it because he can't regulate himself at the slightest infraction. Never apologises and is horrible to our daughter. He came back tonight literally telling her to her face that she is a nasty person and a bully. I said he can't call her names like that and he doubled down and said sometimes you just meet people in life you can't stand and that he couldn't stand her. He said that he didn't say that part to her face, as though that makes a difference.
So I'm done. Have been for a while. Waiting till the kids finish exams then leaving kike many ded up women do is not an option. I fear the family would cave in before then as things are getting worse. I plan to pick the kids up from school tomorrow and find a refuge. I'm not living in the same house as him. He has point blank refused counselling post marriage, or working on himself and only did an adoption course last year when I threatened separation.
I've been wanting to divorce for many years and now wish I had done so when the children were younger with fewer memories. I've gotten back to church recently, I tend to take the kids weekly anyway and am in the bible more. So the attacks have reigned. But we have not been close most of our marriage. I need help and respite and to be away from him for my and our children's mental health. My mum raised me singly before my lovely step dad came along and I am also a step mum to his oldest child, we 3 lived together for 5 years. I say this as being a step parent can teach you how to live peaceably with someone else's kid. I'm not perfect I have lectured my kids angrily and shouted all too often. And maybe my resentment with my husband has been because I had to bite my lip for years with his daughter. I jump to our kids their defense often because of their many issues, despite them being much more emotionally mature than my husband at times and because franklyhe can be cruel and unfair. He needs serious trauma therapy himself. And now that I have neuro kids, I so recognise possible conditions with him too.
He talks a good talk about being a steward for the children and the children being God's whilst being absolutely awful to them and very rageful. Their forgiveness is astonishing but I worry about the scars. I need to get them and me out. Going to try to sleep now. Sorry for extremely long post.