Sexless marriage and just not happy but can't leave

[Fishandchipsareyum]

Hello

Obviously looking for Christian advice.

I am married to a neurodiverse man, didn't realise as he masked and we now have autistic children that have been hard for me to parent.

I'm not willing to leave as I wont cope alone.

However we have pretty much no marriage in real life. He can't actually perform sexually now either, and I do not enjoy being married to him past the part that we Co parent and live as partners.

I crave connection as I've changed a lot over the years since we got married when I was in my early 20s. I'm now in my 40s. All I do is work work work at home.

How can I get past this ? I feel so alone in it all. It's affected my health too. I know it's not biblical grounds for divorce.

I've started having dreams occasionally of being with other men and having a connection. Even just crave being able to have a good conversation, because my husband isnt even capable of that ...Obviously the fact that it's dreams I'm having of other men mean I am not in control of them. I hate that it's become like this.

Help! Even just prayers are appreciated.

To add he is a big gentle man and not abusive to me. That's the main good point.

I'm so sorry to read about your situation. It sounds so difficult. Are you part of a church? Is there anyone there you can speak to? Does he understand his own neuro divergence? Would he be open to talking to anyone?
I'm praying for you right now.

Thanks. Appreciate the prayers. I don't think he will talk to anyone. He's quite awkward. We go to church when we can. Wouldn't be able to tell anyone in real life.

Sorry to read that you are having a challenging time. It is very sad for you both. Is your husband a Christian too? I would ask your minister to refer you both for counselling - many churches have their own 'in house' support, but if not, there is counselling specifically for Christians, out there. I would avoid anything secular because they will push mainly for divorce, rather than understand that Christians see things through a different lens.

Thank you and yes I should look into this I just fear I'll be left disappointed 😞 due to husbands mindset.

Praying for you 💕
I’ve got no good advice to give beyond what’s already been said. Our Father knows all about your disappointment, loneliness and sadness and He also sees your commitment to stay in your marriage. May you know His peace somehow 🙏🏻🙏🏻

Try not to set yourself up to fail … God may already be working on your husband’s heart - and yours too. Reading another thread of yours I can see that you are not living in an ideal circumstances with your young children, I am sure that will be adding to the difficulties. There may be some hard work ahead, but with the right counsel, support of your church and with prayer, I hope you will come out of this time in the desert with a deeper love and understanding.

I am pretty certain that most folk who have been married a long time will confess it isn’t always roses and rainbows, especially when our children are young and marriages are finding a new dynamic. My bottom line question is always, how would I feel if this morning was to be the last time I saw my partner due to their sudden death … that usually makes me realise that I would hate to lose them, and things are over-come-able with love.

Amen, thank you xx

Thank you, this was very helpful, great question xx

I'm in my 50s and in a very similar situation. We had a very stressful time when the dcs were younger and haven't done it regularly for the past 15 or so years. We've just kind of friendzoned each other. Dh is older than me and has some health issues now so there's virtually no prospect of being close. When we have tried it's too awkward and embarrassing because we're more like housemates now. We can't talk to anyone on the outside because it's too personal. We're not supposed to diy but sometimes I have to as it's physically uncomfortable and mentally distracting if I don't.

Could you possibly try to start small like holding hands to begin with? We were supposed to try this for five minutes a day and work up to having a cuddle, but it's proving difficult as I can't get past the embarrassment. Would your dh be up for a bit more closeness though?

Me and dh are both autistic and the dcs are too although they're adults now and living away.

I'm guessing that you had a connection in the past if you got married? Maybe going back to basics and trying to rebuild that friendship again would be a good place to start? I'd absolutely recommend finding a good biblical church and making being a church a top priority. I've found that when my relationship with God isn't going well, my human relationships are negatively impacted. Reading the Bible daily, praying and worshipping as part of a church are so important. Praying for you.xx

First, I hope you are not feeling guilty about the dreams and the cravings. They're natural and (at least partly) involuntary so I think you should allow yourself to observe them and give them to God.

Second, I think it's very hard to have a sex life if there isn't non-sexual physical intimacy. So try building that. It takes time, but as you're both committed to your marriage, you have it, and that's a huge advantage.

Finally, as your DH is neurodiverse, a good sex life will have to work for him in ways that might be a little different from what you expect (I speak from experience.) You will have to explore if you get to that point. Most importantly, sex is a gift from God to give to your spouse (and he needs to understand this and not feel ashamed as many Christians do.)

And don't expect sex to fix your marriage. You say you just work, work, work at home and you don't enjoy being married to him other than you co-parent and live as partners. You will have to deal with those other things though intimacy certainly helps.

I will pray for you.

I know you said you can't tell anyone IRL but you can and should. If you dont address the problem and things get worse in your marriage and one of you ends up leaving, everybody will know then. Better to tell a few chosen people now that your marriage is having problems than have everyone know in the future when it's too late.

Are there any other problems other than sexual ones? Might be easier to share about them first.

Hi OP. I just wanted to offer sympathy and solidarity. I will pray.

I would say be cautious about picking a counsellor, if you want to go for counselling. IME people who are not trained to deal with autism (like Relate) can do more harm than good. Assuming autism is the neurodiversity concerned.

I would suggest a trained psychotherapist who is well informed about autism, and with whom you have a rapport. That’s more important than whether they are a Christian. A good therapist should respect your beliefs even if they don’t understand them.

If the first therapist isn’t helping, I’d look for another one.

Make space and time for yourself where possible, love yourself

Get out of an unchanging, unrepentant marriage with someone who uses ASD as a way not to change-emotional abandonment is grounds for divorce. If this spouse will not change and put in the work, he is the type of person described in 2nd Timothy -avoid people such as these

God doesn't give a separate solution for how to be a husband who has ASD. There isn't a separate Bible for those on the spectrum. Every man has to follow what Christ commands on how to treat a woman he marries as God guides Him-It says love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. We forget that a covenant can be broken. Look at God's situation with Israel. Stop holding this woman to the flame when she has an almost impossible situation-if she has a husband who will not change. Not only would you have to pray and fast with difficult situations (which people do do), the person you are praying and fasting for has to want to change and that is not in your control. I also hate these trite sayings. God will not override someone's free will. If most people won't have a saving knowledge and relationship with Jesus Christ who is God, and they reject HIm, then why are we so foolish to think that all marriages can be saved. Some cannot be and God does give people who are emotionally and/or physically abused and/or abandoned a way out in addition to sexual immorality.

Marriage stuff is awful, I'm living in a similar situation and I find that I am leaning more and more into the Lord and the word and finding heaps of comfort in that while I wait on Him to show me what to do, because my husband feels everything is fine because he is housed and fed and the kids are too (the bar is very low).
You haven't said how your husband feels about all this because if he is keen to change too then I can really recommend "The Marriage you want" Dr. Keith Gregoire and Sheila Wray Gregoire. This is Christian, research-based marriage advice and its really helpful in sorting out the a lot of the 'lies' we have been taught over the years in the Church and in Christian Culture (by very well meaning people) and determine what to do next.
Thinking of you hon.