Counseling for church based/spiritual trauma

[HereintheloveofChristIstand]

Good morning ladies
Does anybody know of any resources one could contact to access counseling or support specifically to help with trauma that occurred in a religious setting? Like Cruse helps with bereavement, Relate helps with relationships
I am not in any danger, nor is anybody else. The behavior wasn’t ‘abuse’ per se but it was very unkind, unexpected and has left me very upset, unable to process what happened to me even 4 months on. Faith is now a lonely experience for me. I am attending worship still but it has gone from the thing that uplifted me more than anything to something which gets me stressed and I feel so apart from it. I am functioning, working, exercising etc, but don’t think a day goes past when I don’t cry.
I don’t want an investigation nor to make reports etc. The person who did this meant a lot to me and still does. I just want support for me and would need the religious aspects and how this has affected my relationship with Jesus taken into account.

Every blessing for the weekend and thank you.

Sorry to hear this OP.

I've no first hand experience of this, but heard of it (though it does seem to be about abuse, and I don't know if your situation is a clear "not abuse but hurtful" or a grey area): https://www.firstlight.org.uk/our-services/safe-spaces/

Or maybe have a look at the Association of Christian Counsellors: https://www.acc-uk.org/about-acc/
There might be someone there who can help, and would understand the spiritual dynamics.

Praying for you this evening

I'm in a similar situation (bullying) and there isn't much out there. I'm a year down the line and I still have fairly bad PTSD symptoms. These are some I tried:

CPD Accredited Safeguarding Training | Thirtyone:eight is one. I didn't feel they listened (just told me to speak to my safeguarding officer, who I'd said in my email was in cahoots (or otherwise known as so far up their backsides they were speaking out of their mouths) with the bullies.

If you're over 55, then:
The Silver Line Helpline does apparently have experience in spiritual abuse

The one recommended above wouldn't deal with me as it wasn't CofE/Catholic. Again they told me to speak to the denomination's safeguarding officer - yes I had said the above about the safeguarding.

It may well be spiritual abuse.
However the problem is I found is that when it effectively comes down to one person's word against another, people want to believe it's lies because it's harder to believe a minister/other Christian would behave like that than someone is lying about it.
And they want to give the benefit of the doubt, because they're "nice" - not thinking that actually that gives the abusers permission to continue, and effectively says the victims are less important.

One thing I have found comforting is 'vengeance is mine', says the Lord.

I don't have to do anything, for they will have to answer to God when we get up there.
And all the leaders that said to me it was "too hard to replace a minister" (he threatened to go if they agreed he was bullying) will have to answer as people who were given leadership roles by God and have misused them to oppress the vulnerable (I wasn't the only person).
God knows the truth and He is on your side.

Have you got anyone local, perhaps who is removed from the situation, who will pray with you?

Sending hugs and prayers.

Unexpected unkindness within a church setting is a shock to the system. It is sad that 4 months later this is impacting on you. I don't know of any official counselling service for such an upsetting incident, but would urge you to share with a trusted sister/brother-in-Christ about what happened and how you are feeling.

Matthew 18 tells us to first try and sort things out privately with the person who has done us wrong. If that does not work, then we need another meeting with at least two other church leaders present.

Many years ago, I was given a piece of wisdom that has fared me well: keep your eyes off 'man' and keep them 100% focussed on the Lord. As none of us are perfect, people will always disappoint. We all fall short.

"Forgive us, as we forgive others ..." Easier said than done, when we are hurting. It is not something we can always do in our own strength, but we need Jesus to soften our hearts, as we must forgive. Sometimes it can take a long time. The only thing I can suggest is: Prayer, Bible study, the Holy Spirit and more prayer - plus, the supportive prayer of a trusted Christian mentor, or prayer group as they can pray into the situation, even when we can't do it for ourselves. We are assured that God will deal with all the 'stuff of life' we leave, in prayer, at the foot of the Cross. EDITED as the hyperlink did not work! Scriptures to 'cast your burdens' victoriousinprayer.com/16-scriptures-to-cast-your-burdens-on-him/ : 1 Peter 5: 7, Psalm 55: 22, Deut 31: 6, Matt 11: 28-30, Phil 4: 6-7, Matt 6: 34, Psalm 23: 4, Matt 6: 25, 1 Cor 10: 13, Romans 8: 35 & 37, Isaiah 12: 2, John 16: 33

A prayer: Lord God, we thank you for showing us through your Holy Scriptures that we can cast all of our burdens on you. Lord, you see my heart and you see the heavy burdens that I bear…OH God please take these burdens from me this day and replace them with your love, joy, and peace. In the mighty and precious Name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

God bless you.

i can’t negate anything that any other posters have posted. They are totally real reactions to experiences undergone in their lives.

But from my experience, through certain traumas ( severe illness, cancer myself and close family members, deaths, SENs with children) what I would say is you don’t have to process everything.

You can lean on God. You don’t have to judge. Vengeance isn’t your responsibility. You don’t have to do anything regarding righting other people’s wrongs.

I find hope is intrinsicly linked to forgivenes. Hope is in God. In Christ’s work on the cross. Hope is that God can bring them round - it is not your job. Your job is healing. Christ heals too. Try to compartmentalise that and focus on Christ.

Thank you all very much ladies.
@ToffeeAppley I have been in touch with Safe Spaces, and I will have a phone call with them on Wednesday.
Yes, it was 'hurt' rather than abuse. It was an out of character incident after a longstanding relationship of support, care, guidance and enriching spiritual development in what was the most difficult time my life. It came as such a shock. I try to forgive, but it is very difficult to move on when the other party's approach is 'let's brush it under the carpet and hope it goes away'. I have not had any closure and feel deeply damaged. I may as well be sitting through a lecture on quantum physics for all I get out of Mass. I receive nothing.

This person before this incident was kind, supportive and I trusted her implicitly. There was nothing I hadn't confided and the shattering of trust is the hardest thing to get over for me.

I always took it as a given that I had a spiritual home. A place where I would one day get married and have my children baptised. The idea of doing that somewhere anonymous that means nothing to me is heartbreaking.

I went to a service somewhere else last week and ended up in tears after communion as I felt 'homesick'. Yet I remembered why I was in the other place and not in my own community.

Yes I have confided in some other Christian friends. I do not want to be seen as gossiping or trying to rally support. They are all shocked and feel deeply sorry for me. They also say to hang in there as they reckon that the person who did this will be remorseful even if they are acting now out of embarrassment.

If this had happened in the workplace, social club or anywhere else, I believe it would hurt less. But this person was linked to my faith and I truly believed God had placed her in my path at the right time. Yet she hurt me in the worst way possible.

This came up in a church group we had. May be at this point seeking out a spiritual director might be helpful to you if you found one in your area.
https://www.chelmsford.anglican.org/vocations-and-discipleship/exploring-vocations/become-a-spiritual-companion/

https://spiritualdirectionessex.co.uk/find-a-sd

So little update.
Yesterday I spoke to the ‘advocate’ assigned to me from Safe Spaces. She was so lovely.
I had to explain my story from the beginning which took real balls. The call lasted 1 hour 37 minutes. I think I started crying at minute 4. All the other times I have explained what happened it was in person and I think my body shuts down.
I will be speaking to her again in 2 weeks time.

Shame we haven't got a 'hug' emoji as an automated reaction. (((hug)))

Well done OP.
I really respect that you don't want to gossip etc. but it also sounds like a healthy and wise thing to discuss with someone outside the situation. This seems like a good thing to try, even if difficult. Well done for getting through it. Prayed for you this evening 🙏

Thank you.
Yesterday as I arrived at mass one of the retired vicars who sometimes officiates cornered me at the door and asked me to go with her for coffee straight after the service. She said ‘this can’t go on, we have two people looking upset in church and others worrying about them’. She said please know she is not an unkind person inherently (and in my heart I do believe her).
I do wonder - is she upset about hurting me? Or just annoyed I won’t drop it.

I said how traumatized I felt. And so very tired.

That feels very manipulative to me and victim blaming.

"We are upset because you're looking upset so we can't brush it away", rather than actually "we are concerned about what has happened and want to make it right". It's your fault because you won't just say it doesn't matter.

Turn it round. If you discovered that you had upset someone by accident, what would you do?
Personally I'd want to apologise, and make it right as much as possible. If this person is genuinely lovely and kind, wouldn't you expect her to be upset that you were hurt and want to apologise.

But she just wants to brush it under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen. And so does this person.
To whose gain is it to forget about it? Hers, the other leaders who are uncomfortable. Who's been forgotten here? The victim.

Until leaders are prepared to stand up for the victim and tell people that they have done wrong, rather than smooth it over, then people will be hurt over and over again.
It's far easier to pretend that it was a mutual "personality clash" when it wasn't - and doing so it acting as though they don't believe it.

It is perfectly fine to forgive her, but not forget. Jesus didn't call us to be mugs and let people walk all over us again and again.

I found this article by Amy Orr-Ewing quite challenging. Yes, she's talking about abuse, but it also talks about the responsibility leaders have when there are issues like yours.
Truth must come to light, however uncomfortable - Amy Orr-Ewing

@MargaretThursday I agree. I think the article by Amy Orr-Ewing is very good too.

So she said it can't go on ... one would hope then, that she would be moved to act as mediator?

You can't control the other person, but you can continue to ask the Lord to work on your own heart and mind. You were right to tell the retired vicar about the impact this all has had on you. I hope she will pray on that and see if the Lord directs her to assist all parties to come to some understanding and resolution. I do agree that for everyone's sake, it can't go on - but the understanding and resolution is a work in progress and may take some time to navigate.

I get you. And yes there is a difference between ‘this needs sorting as you are suffering’ and ‘this needs sorting as it’s making us look bad’

So last Sunday was Mother’s Day and it was also the second anniversary of my grandmother dying (great hey). Right before the service the person who has caused all this comes and holds my hand and says ‘I know what weekend it is. I have been praying for you’ and hurries off.

I want to see it as a breakthrough and give her a chance. I reckon the other lady has given her a bit of a kick up the backside after our talk too. I have had good and bad days this week the damage is so deep rooted and it has gone on for so long
.
I am still engaging with Safe Spaces. They have been lovely.
As have all of you.

@HereintheloveofChristIstand (((another hug))) that sounds a good and positive step forward? Shame she escaped quickly, and without apologising, but it appears it maybe a tentative olive branch? She may have been scared of your reaction so that's why she did not hang around? It's a baby-step, but at least it was in the right direction. God must be working on her heart 🙏 I am pleased that you feel Safe Spaces are helpful.

To be fair she couldn’t really hang around as the service was literally starting (we were half way through the first verse of the first hymn).
I want to believe she is too awkward and embarrassed to apologize rather than doesn’t want to. It has manifested in other ways (she became very ill in January)
I hope it is the olive branch that I hope it was. Making the active choice to forgive is so hard.

Safe Spaces have used the word trauma. I always associated that with victims of violence and abuse. Learning every day.

@HereintheloveofChristIstand Making the active choice to forgive is so hard.

I could not agree more. Yes, in our own strength, sometimes it could be impossible. If 'love' is a verb, then how much more so is 'forgiving'!? I get it. I can think of several really traumatic offences against me, where I have had to seek God's Grace and power to change my heart and mind. My confession is that real whole-hearted forgiveness of a particular person seems to be an undending and daily, trudging uphill, 'work in progress'. God knows. 🙏

Your church safeguarding officers should be the first port of a call. All Church of England churches have to make people aware of resources available for survivors of abuse. Have a look at your Diocese website also.

As a clergywoman I would just like to apologise for the deep hurt and pain caused by an ordained person. I’m glad safe spaces are helping.

Eyestosee..,..... Thank you for your comments. I found your words very helpful.

This has actually brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much.
Please pray for both of us. She needs prayers too.

Hello lovely people.
It has been a while since I posted. a few things have happened.
I was asked by a lady at church to be a godmother to her pre teen son, which I accepted. This of course meant I had to go to a meeting with the person in question, at which she thanked me and said ‘Nathan I am so glad you have good people helping you in this journey’.
She then reached out to me to ask for my help with a service, which despite huge fear, I accepted. I saw it as an olive branch. I put so much effort in and I did get an awkward thank you after.

nothing bad has happened since, but I still get so low. I have lost the feeling of ‘safety’ and feel so traumatized by what happened. I am still engaging either Safe Spaces who are marvelous. Other members of the parish have been very kind too.

Thank you all of you. Your kind words and no judgement really helped me.

There is a very specific reason why I go to this church. It’s not just a case of ‘go to another one’.
It is more ‘upset’ than ‘abuse’. I am sure of that. But it was just so distressing.

I said to an old lady last Sunday ‘I wish I could just have 10 minutes with my late grandparents’. Shame God doesn’t have visiting hours.