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Fractured faith

18 replies

passwordnotsecure · 03/11/2024 18:36

Hi all on this new thread

I'm 52 and have been a Christian for 35 years. 10 years ago I had some major struggles with my mental health and was signed off work with anxiety and depression. Trying to find God at that time was very difficult and the church I was part of at the time was not helpful - very heavy shepherding 'quote the word, believe it and gain freedom' - I felt like I didn't have enough faith to get better.

10 years on, I believe the time of this difficulty to have been a gift. I retrained in counselling and am in a pastoral role in a secular setting. I feel my experience has added to my empathy and compassion. It has taken me a long time to get to this place rather than feeling disappointment at God 'letting me down'.

I went through a period of cynicism about God and church and have also always found it difficult to know God's love - something I do still struggle with. I 'deconstructed' my faith and realized that some attitudes and doctrines I had picked up from the church I was part of were rubbish and not really in line with scripture when you look closely (like - if you have enough faith you'll be healed, if you don't...etc etc)
I'm now back in church and feel fractured still - I struggled for 5 years (not straight after the illness - it was a delayed reaction) and just before and after Covid didn't attend at all really and felt the pressure off if I'm honest.

Finding it difficult to rebuild faith - at one point I led groups, led worship and women's events etc etc and now I feel like a pathetic specimen of a Christian. I'm part of a house group but don't always attend church every Sunday. Usually come away from both discouraged about where my faith is up to and what songs I find it difficult to sing etc.

Anyone been through a similar bash to their faith and has any advice?

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 03/11/2024 19:10

Do you think it would be worth trying a different church? It sounds like you may not be in an environment where it is comfortable to talk about the (natural) ups and downs of faith.

passwordnotsecure · 03/11/2024 19:19

Ah, I'm not part of the same church thankfully. I left the church soon after my illness and have been in 2 different ones since.

OP posts:
wtkotjwhtkots · 03/11/2024 19:30

I have found Brian McLaren helpful- his podcasts and he has a book called 'Do I Stay Christian' which touches on a lot of this

Thegreatestoftheseislove · 03/11/2024 20:46

@passwordnotsecure I feel like a pathetic specimen of a Christian

(((hug))), you do know Jesus doesn't think this of you, don't you. 🌻 Please do not talk this over yourself. All we can do is our best, one day at a time. In the words of the song:

One day at a time, sweet Jesus, thats all I'm asking of You
Just give me the strength to do everyday, what I have to do
Yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus and tomorrow may never be mine
God help me today
Show me the way
One day at a time

I'm only human, I'm just a woman
Help me believe in what I could be and all that I am
Oh, show me the stairway that I have to climb
Lord, for my sake, teach me to take one day at a time

Oh, do you remember when You walked among men
Well, Jesus, You know if You're looking below
That it's worse now than then, oh, there's pushing and shoving
And it's crowding my mind so, Lord, for my sake
Teach me to take one day at a time

passwordnotsecure · 03/11/2024 21:13

wtkotjwhtkots · 03/11/2024 19:30

I have found Brian McLaren helpful- his podcasts and he has a book called 'Do I Stay Christian' which touches on a lot of this

Hiya wtkotjwhtkots (interesting username?)
I have had a look and I think I might order his book 'Faith after doubt'. Thanks for the heads up. I will also look at the podcasts

OP posts:
Mischance · 03/11/2024 21:28

The essence of most religions is kindness. Stick with that in action in both work and personal life. That is all that really matters.

TamiTaylorIsMyParentingGuru · 03/11/2024 21:41

@passwordnotsecure I could have written your post. A significant period of trauma including cancer, loss of a job, loss of a community, a forced move away from a beloved church community (due to geography/job move) and some very deep church hurt where we saw both the best and the worst of the body of Christ, left me absolutely reeling and feeling completely untethered.

There were a few things which helped me in that season:

  • I borrowed the faith of others when I didn’t have any of my own to hold on to. I listened to a lot of faith based podcasts and read books and borrowed the faith of the people I listened to/read - I heard how God was moving in their lives and believed that even though there was no sign of Him moving in mine.
  • I clung to the ancient practices of the church - I prayed the apostles creed daily, and for about 2 years it was the only words of prayer I uttered - I literally didn't have any of my own, I partook in communion, I listened to the old hymns rather than more contemporary worship songs - this tethered me to the faith of my youth and the faith of my family inc my grandparents, I practiced Lectio Divina, I bought a Bible reading plan that told me what to read every day and had other people’s responses to the passages because I couldn’t think of any myself…
  • I was kinder to myself than many other Christians were being. I didn’t really grasp the love of God (and I think I still struggle with that) but I acknowledged how my upbringing had influenced that and I gave myself kindness and grace.
  • I read books and listened to podcasts of other people who were deconstructing, but not throwing the baby out with the bath water - people who were trying to cling on, not throw it all away. Aaron Niequist’s book - The Eternal Current - is beautiful and I have read it several times over the last 5/6 years.
  • I narrowed my list of ‘fundamentals’ - basically the apostles creed - and focused on that. All the other differences of opinion/theology/orthopraxy/orthodoxy can wait - just focus on what I know I know I know.

You are NOT alone in this.

Words · 03/11/2024 21:47

So sorry you feel this way. Seek help for yourself.

But please don't 'counsel ' others right now. You will do more harm than good.

wtkotjwhtkots · 03/11/2024 21:55

@passwordnotsecure username- Who's The King of The Jungle Whose the King of the Sea. You can take a girl outta church but can't take the church outta the girl 😂 didn't even name change. His podcast on the stages of faith is really good. It really validates the experience of deconstructing and developing a faith that isn't built on everything you were taught as a child.

MargaretThursday · 04/11/2024 18:56

I was in a similar place around 6 months ago with work. Made worse by the fact I worked in a church and it was exactly the people you would hope would support you that were causing the issue.
I didn't feel I could talk about it at the church I worshipped at because many of them had to work with the people who were causing the issues, so I felt I couldn't speak freely. And I found it very difficult to attend because people would say "hi, how are you!" and I'd have nothing honest to say in reply that I felt I could. Equally well with my family, so I felt very alone.

What I did do was two things. Firstly an old friend who was further removed from the situation spoke to me and I overreacted to something she said. I then apologised, and explained a little.
She offered to pray with me, and that was wonderful. I told her much more than I've told anyone else and she gave me a picture of me walking along a corridor, leaving behind the old life and opening a door that Jesus was holding open and making my way in to the new life He wanted for me.
I would picture that when I was praying, and pray that I could close the door behind me. Gradually as I've prayed I've gone from standing at the doorway, to being fully inside the new room.

The other thing was praise. It sounds counterintuitive, but actually praise songs focus me on Him and how I don't need to be wonderful because He has done that for me. When I struggle to pray, when I'm feeling low, then I repeat the Lord's prayer, or find a prayer online that I can say, or pray in tongues. If I don't pray regularly I find it harder and harder. But I always try to start with praise, even when I don't feel like it, and I'll often find as I sing it comes easier.

I'm not over it. I have PTSD from the situation. I can't drive past my old workplace without my chest tightening and tears coming. I can't even go into town without that happening.
Even thinking about it, or seeing a message from someone connected with the old church, or a photo or anything connected, brings me to a state of panic.
And I know humanly speaking there will be no closure because the denomination closed ranks with the top people at the church - even though they knew what was happening. They're hiding it by spreading lies about me, and still are.

But I know now that I will get through it, which a year ago I didn't think I would.

Is there someone in your current church you could confide in? Not necessarily someone obvious. Someone who will pray with you regularly and not judge, or gossip. Praying with someone means you feel less alone. When I was really bad, I felt no one wanted to be with me, but having someone who was praying with me (and I suspect praying for me) meant that I needed to focus on Him not me.

It does come and go in waves. So I'll have a good bit and think that I'm really recovering, but then something will happen, or I'll be told something and it'll set me right back.

But don't give up. You are not a pathetic excuse for a Christian. I can tell you there are far worse people than you who call themselves Christian, and God is walking with you, and knows you better than anyone, because He's called you by name, His special name for you that He loves.

passwordnotsecure · 04/11/2024 19:06

TamiTaylorIsMyParentingGuru
First of all I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis and experience following this. I hope you are recovering. thank you so much for a kind detailed and thoughtful answer. I will certainly take some of those things on board.

MargaretThursday
So sorry to hear about your experience too which sounds really horrible. Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts. I will certainly take them on board. I'm actually in a far better place than I was a few years ago and I do have a trustworthy friend in the current church that I can be very honest with and pray with if I want to.

OP posts:
Cherryana · 04/11/2024 19:08

Lots of Christian’s are very black and white in their thinking and they seem to be very passive. I used to be part of the leadership team, preach, had a public Christian job. I actually went to counseling and realised I had been stifling my own intuition for years and could no longer be part of the institution. I do believe in God.

Maybe the unease you feel at church is actually the right feeling is trying to keep you safe?

ZenNudist · 04/11/2024 20:42

Not everyone remains certain in faith. Faith is necessarily a leap. It sounds like the church you go to teaches some things that you just don't agree with. Some people just ignore it and focus on their relationship with God.

It sounds like changing churches again might help.

Mistralli · 04/11/2024 21:06

One of the things that is nice about the Anglican concept of common prayer, is that is this constant thing. We are carried on the prayer of others when we cannot pray for ourselves.

It sounds to me like you've already been on a tough part of your journey as a Christian and come out of it with much more mature faith. I also trip over certain hymn words, but that means engaging with thinking about what this means, so I don't think it's necessarily bad.

I also think that we're all so hopeless without Jesus that it doesn't really hurt to feel like useless Christians. None of us can ever be perfect, without his sacrifice for us.

I've had my own mental health issues, but was fortunate that I somehow managed to pray when suicidal. While there was no miraculous voice from above telling me it would be okay, I somehow got home safely: I wasn't alone . That feeling didnt stick around, and was still a couple of years of hard work before I got better, but he was there when I really needed it.

We all have different gifts- a steady (but not very inspiring) faith seems to be one of mine. I've had life ups and downs, but have never really felt "let down" by God - possibly because I don't expect much of him. Its a gift that clearly I need on my path. Telling people that they just need "more faith" isn't kind, though - you can't magic it up! You're still Christian, so clearly the bashed faith you have is "enough"!

Iwantabrightsunnyday · 04/11/2024 21:14

but we all have had our trials, hang ups, experiences whatever label we put on it. God has always been there, churches are made of fake Christians also. They are not our measuring stick for Who God is.

Iwantabrightsunnyday · 04/11/2024 21:15

If you just need a solid Bible study without signs, deliverance and that sorta thing teaching, do online Bible study fellowship - perfect. And try Orthodox - very calm and holy

BoudiccasBangles · 15/11/2024 09:13

OP, I’m in a very similar place. I understand completely. My faith is still there, but I don’t feel I fit in any church now. Feel free to DM me.

Justmerach · 30/11/2024 14:36

passwordnotsecure · 03/11/2024 18:36

Hi all on this new thread

I'm 52 and have been a Christian for 35 years. 10 years ago I had some major struggles with my mental health and was signed off work with anxiety and depression. Trying to find God at that time was very difficult and the church I was part of at the time was not helpful - very heavy shepherding 'quote the word, believe it and gain freedom' - I felt like I didn't have enough faith to get better.

10 years on, I believe the time of this difficulty to have been a gift. I retrained in counselling and am in a pastoral role in a secular setting. I feel my experience has added to my empathy and compassion. It has taken me a long time to get to this place rather than feeling disappointment at God 'letting me down'.

I went through a period of cynicism about God and church and have also always found it difficult to know God's love - something I do still struggle with. I 'deconstructed' my faith and realized that some attitudes and doctrines I had picked up from the church I was part of were rubbish and not really in line with scripture when you look closely (like - if you have enough faith you'll be healed, if you don't...etc etc)
I'm now back in church and feel fractured still - I struggled for 5 years (not straight after the illness - it was a delayed reaction) and just before and after Covid didn't attend at all really and felt the pressure off if I'm honest.

Finding it difficult to rebuild faith - at one point I led groups, led worship and women's events etc etc and now I feel like a pathetic specimen of a Christian. I'm part of a house group but don't always attend church every Sunday. Usually come away from both discouraged about where my faith is up to and what songs I find it difficult to sing etc.

Anyone been through a similar bash to their faith and has any advice?

I read all of your post and I wanted to quote the part where you wrote you feel fracturered still and I want to ask you why do you still feel fractured?

I don't know your situation, but if you didn't have anyone around you 10 years ago when you experienced anxiety and depression and brought yourself out of it through prayer that was a real achievement and quite a lot to expect of someone. I would have recommended a church service that does healing and wholeness services and Holy Communion services to receive the blessed Sacracements to help you in this situation.

Try and take some time to be still and think about what you really want if you do not do this.

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