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Children's health

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Original poster

very concerned over what dd told me last night

21 replies

candyfluff · 19/06/2010 08:49

she came to me late last night and told me that the big graze she had on her arm was'nt from a fall a school she has done it herself with a razor im so shocked i didnt speak for a few minutes.
i was at the hospital having tests and there had been an argument between her and her brother and dh chose to believe him and told her off and she got so angry she wanted to hurt herself- this is very very worrying
i told her she must not do this as its very dangerous
lots of tears from her as she told me everything which is upsetting her she is 9 btw
there is a girl at school lets just call her alice not her real name she is a cow she has only been at this school for a few months and ive already been in to the the headteacher about her bullying my dd already nothing ha feel happy.
is changed she is making dd miserable ,shes feeling very low - she said she doesnt want
to do anything and cant be happy
im taking her to gp on monday morning although not sure what they will do and then on to the school

OP posts:

MathsMadMummy · 19/06/2010 08:52

oh candyfluff
sorry your DD is so unhappy. 9 is so young to be self harming - any idea where she got the idea from?

I used to self-harm a lot (in mid-teens), it's worth sorting it out early. especially the bullying.

MadameCastafiore · 19/06/2010 09:00

You need to speak to your GP and see if they can refer you to CAMHS to sort this out now - 9 is a very young age to start self harming and is often a way of expressing your hurt and anger when you don't have the ability or can't do it verbally. She may have felt overwhelmed by you being in hopsital and anxious not to upset you by going on about the arguement which was important to her if she felt thatr her honesty had been questioned by DH.

But you are doing the right thing, Doctor (freferral to CAMHS if you can or a counselling service to help her with ways to express herself or maybe even CBT which will give her coping strategies) and speak to the school tell them what has happened - do not treat it ike a dirty little secret - make them address the issues about this other child.

Original poster

candyfluff · 19/06/2010 09:00

no idea ive never self harmed so cant think where she got that idea from - she said she wouldnt do it again as it really hurt - i think she is starting puberty as she is getting boobs so maybe its hormones aswell - im so sad for her

OP posts:

elmofan · 19/06/2010 09:10

oh candyfluff

yes your right to take her to your doctor let him talk to your dd & let her answer for herself as much as possible , then tell the school about your dd being so unhappy that she has self harmed (you need the head to take this seriously) . We have been through hell & back with our ds being bullied so if you need any information on how to get it to stop just ask .

SirBoobAlot · 19/06/2010 09:23

Agree with all the suggestions made already. But just wondered - does she read any of the pre-teen mags? I remember when I was around the same age I read in one of them a write in that was talking about self harm and how it made her feel better. I know several people who started SH after reading about it.

Big hugs. Hope you're both okay and things get sorted quickly.

LynetteScavo · 19/06/2010 09:24

candyfluff, this must be so for you, but it's brilliant that your DD told you about it. You must have a great relationship.

DS used to self harm at that age...we kind of stuck our heads in the sand about it. However, he doesn't now he's 11. I just want you to know it's not a given that your DD will always self harm.

I really hope your DD is happier soon. X

Goober · 19/06/2010 09:32

It is a release from sadness and angry feelings.
She will no doubt encounter these feelings again.
Show her other ways to release these feelings.
Encourage her to scream, stamp her feet, write things down, talk.
Poor kid.

pagwatch · 19/06/2010 09:37

She does not need to have read a teen magazine or heard of this to be doing it. It is not a fad or a copied behaviour in every case.
I used to self harm around the age of ten and yet I never even heard the term until I was an adult - I always thought I was just suprememely weird to get some satisfaction from doing this.
No one ever found out and you should be very pleased that she has spoken to you. I would think that means that she wants to find a way to express her feelings.

Try not to challenge her on the whys and wherefores - and certainly don't keep suggestion that she got the idea from somewhere or she will feel even odder.

I would do as other posters have suggested. Let her talk as much as possible. Try not to over react and see what support and counselling you can get for her.

She is brilliant to have come to you with this. It must have been very hard. My overwhelming emotion was shame.

Original poster

candyfluff · 19/06/2010 11:12

she doesnt read any teen mags and i dont buy magazines either -when she gets angry she either wants to hurt herself or others - one row between her and her brother ended in him having to go to a&e as she has cut his cornea!
i laid with her until she went to sleep last night then had a little cry - feel so bad for her.she seems much brighter today and ive said i will take her skating after lunch just me and her - she often says she would like to spend more time with me - its hard as there is 3 of them and one of me
ds (12) had to do a cbt course not long ago as he was very anxious ,it helped him a great deal and he rarely does it now- makes me think what have a done wrong that both my kids are feeling so emotional ,feel like a shite parent right now

OP posts:

elmofan · 19/06/2010 12:51

Don't be so hard on yourself candy , you are doing your best for your dc's , & as others have said the fact that your dd can talk to you shows that you are a great mum .

SagacityNell · 19/06/2010 13:13

Candyfluff, its a good thing that she told you, i know it won't feel like it right now.

Like someone else has suggested don't treat it like a 'dirty secret'. You can find ways together of her letting her emotions out safely. There are safe ways to feel pain too - holding ice cubes, hands in really cold water, clenching fists really tightly. Another way is to hold yourself in a kind of a hug and squeeze - we were told this for DS2 as he gets frustrated and lashes out.

You can help too by keeping things like razors and scissors somewhere a bit safer, or at least in a place where you can see where they are and if they go missing. ALso, keep a good first aid kit "just in case".

some good advice here from befrienders

BettySwollux · 19/06/2010 13:25

Im currently doing a mental health awareness course and we covered self harm recently.
There are a few members of the group who SH in the past, and it is alarmingly common in children starting puberty.

A very positive point is that she told you, so please take some comfort in this.

SagacityNell has some great ideas for 'safe pain'. Another one is to snap elastic bands on the wrists, a woman on my MH course says it feels similar to cutting painwise.

You're not a shite parent, you sound like a great one.

SagacityNell · 19/06/2010 14:04

Oh yes elastic bands v good (i use a hair bobble as no need to explain that)

Goober · 19/06/2010 15:01

This isn't about shit-parenting. A shit parent wouldn't want to find answers like you are.

gothicmama · 19/06/2010 15:07

also peeling of nail varnish - the safe alternative depends on the type of sensation she needs to get rid of the pain, it is so positiv she trusts you.

pagwatch · 19/06/2010 15:11

It is nothing to do with crap parenting.
I did it and my reasons were nothing to do with my parents.

Original poster

candyfluff · 19/06/2010 19:30

thanks for your kind words - we sat down and told dh this afternoon ,their relationship not too good as she thinks he favours the boys over her.she had a good cry and i thin k after i speak with the school about alice then she will feel more comfortable i am so pleased that she told me - id hate to think she couldnt confid in me

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Chil1234 · 20/06/2010 11:06

My son (now 10) doesn't self-harm but he had problems with bullying at school sufficient to not want to go back or to say that 'his life was ruined' and 'not worth living'. Horrible.

I would say that as well as reassuring your daughter that you love her that it's vital that she gains confidence that everyone - you and school - is 100% on her side. ie. the bullies are in the wrong and not her. Most schools have anti-bullying policies so start with the class teacher and get a firm commitment to care for your daughter properly. Encourage your daughter to tell the teacher when the slightest incident happens and to tell you at home as well. Keep a record of any subsequent incidents & keep going back to the teacher... escalating it if you're not happy, department head, head teacher.. right up to the LEA if necessary.

Bullies exist everywhere and if you give her the tools to deal with them assertively and if she feels that she's not on her own she'll be better placed for the future.

Original poster

candyfluff · 20/06/2010 16:53

thing is she only has 4 weeks left at this school before moving onto middle school - 3 teir system so im not sure what they will do regarding the bully - i ideally want her moved but dont think they will.
i just dont want her last few weeks there to be miserable

OP posts:

Goober · 20/06/2010 20:07

They still have a duty to make sure she is safe and happy even if she is leaving in a month.

Original poster

candyfluff · 22/06/2010 18:03

went to see gp and she said to speak with theschool which i had planned anyway and get her referred to the educational phycologist she said if i get no help to come back and get referred to chams
went to the school and took dd in with me to tell the head - she was shocked as she thought from the previous times we have been in there the problem was sorted out.
she advised dd to stay away from the girl and to make other good friendships with the girls she does like ,also told her she must tell the teaching assistant when there is a problem - dd finds it hard to do this.
head said there was no chance to speak with the educational phyc - as it would take too long ,she wants me and dd to go in every week and see how she is getting on.
im not convinced to be honest

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