Eating disorders - advice please

[feelingpositivemum]

My DD has been referred to CAMHS this morning as she is becoming more and more controlling over her food, she is losing weight and sounding more and more troubled about her diet.

She is not restricting her food to lose weight, she has always been skinny, but to gain some control in her life. (Her words)

I split up from her father last September and it started from then really. It's been a very slow and subtle change so we've only just really noticed it's becoming a problem.

She is really receptive to help, she wants to talk and she 'talks the talk' but as she says, she knows she needs to eat but her head won't let her.

I am utterly terrified, she's such a gorgeous, sensible, level headed girl and to hear her talk she sounds so different.

Sorry for long post, i was just trying to tap into some experts here. Do I try and encourage her to eat more, how far do I push it, do I let her take complete control or do I keep control of her diet if only to keep her weight up.

She wants control but if that is not eating enough do I take over?

Feelingpositive - I don't know if you are still around. I hope things are improving but I know what a long struggle this is.

DD is improving and generally the weight is going on but we have had some very black times with her moods. She does now seem to be in a better place but I can imagine things are very tough for you.

Sorry I haven't been online for a while but if you are around it would be good to hear from you.

Hi I'm still around!

She has been on the unit now for 2 weeks and only put on 200g. They are very good, giving her loads of time to talk, cry, anything else she needs to do but she is still very caught up in the anorexia.

They have said that if she doesn't improve in the next couple of weeks she will have to move on to a more intensive ED unit up in Maidenhead. At this unit they can force feed whereas they can't at the one she is at the moment.

I feel totally overwhelmed, we are starting therapy next week and I have asked that my exH and I are not doing it together. My DD seems to get very agitated when we are together, so they feel its best we start off apart, which is fine by me.

I am concerned though as I think we will have to discuss why we split up etc and I will have to tell the truth about why I left (he was controlling and scary). How much do I say, he is her dad, agh!.. She doesn't seem to remember, or realise, or maybe that's the problem. Who knows. She may have blanked it as my DS remembers and comments all the time now about his dad. He drives him mad.

I'm glad your dd is feeling a bit better, the moods are so sad aren't they, you feel so helpless.

Feelingpositive - I know it is only 200g but at least DD has put some on. It is always slow. How are they feeding her and what does she weigh at the moment? Does it involve sitting with her until she eats?

It is so awful watching them suffer isn't it? I just can't believe how quickly this all spirals out of control and yet takes so long to put right. I just wish I had known a few months ago what I know now - hindsight is a wonderful gift!

Surely you will not have to talk about why you and your husband split, there are some things your DD doesn't need to know at this stage.

The problem that we have now is that DD is hyper metabolising i.e burning the calories up extra quickly and it is so hard to put on weight. We went to a party over the weekend and several people commented on how well DD looks. They have no idea how she has been suffering and unfortunately comments like that make DD think that she doesn't need to put on any weight. She cannot seem to understand that she will lose weight very qiuckly at the moment but struggle to put it on.

I know we will all get through this but it is a tough time. At least you know that someone else has the responsibility of feeding her for the time being and it gives you a chance to take care of yourself for a little while.

Hi, I'm becoming very bad at updating as things are moving so fast everyday its difficult to keep up and is very exhausting.

On the weight, she has put on a kilogram since being there! It's a very slow process but at least in the right direction. She is committing to the programme more, and they no longer at the moment want her to go to a stricter ED unit!

I have grown up so much in the last 3 weeks. She started to refuse to see her dad about a week ago, I then told them (not her) about how emotionally abusive he was in relationship and they are working with her now to try and sort out her relationship with her dad.

How powerful is that, for a poor 13 yr old to just one day stop talking to him.

He is distraught and asking for help to repair it so who knows.... It's whether he is prepared to listen, not one of his strong qualities.

I am now moving as we live opposite each other, DD hates this and so do I. Even though I moved 10 mths ago, he won't move from his house (our old family home) so I have to move again. Makes me angry as it's so expensive but its the right thing for the dcs and me to have some space. DD thinks its incredibly selfish and is cross with him.

So, there we are, not sure if you're still reading, and don't worry if not!

I hope your DD is improving, it's very difficult when other people comment isn't it. I took my SIL to see DD and she whispered to her as she left, you look beautiful in a very aunt sort of way. She didn't sleep all night once she'd clicked what she had said! She was mortified.

Hi, I am sorry you're having to move, that's draining enough on its own without all that you have to deal with.

Brilliant news that DD has put on a kilogram, I understand that once they put on a certain amount of weight the mood starts to lift. It often takes quite a while but it is another reason we cannot give in to them.

How awful for your poor DD to feel like that about her dad. Surely he will now see that he needs to consider his behaviour in all this.

I have learnt that with DD it is all about routine. She hates anything new being introduced to her food intake especially at times when she isn't expecting it. Once she is used to a certain pattern she accepts it and gets on with it.

At the same party last weekend someone said that DD was getting fat!! Fortunately when DD told me about it she did tell me that she could deal with it and realised they were being sarcastic. She has always been very thin anyway - having been a long distance runner at school for several years - and definitely couldn't afford to lose weight.

How long is your DD expected to stay in the clinic? On the one hand you want her home with you, but on the other it is good to leave the responsibility to someone else for a while.

She is going to be there several months I think. When she gets to be a certain BMI she will gradually integrate back into family and school life with their help.

I do miss her but it is good to have the support and someelse responsible for getting her to eat. She is also very volatile emotionally, so she can be fine and then all of a sudden be angry/ emotional all because i said something in a wrong tone! That is exhausting as well!

I think it is very good for her to be getting some space, it is helping her realise where she is struggling and to ask for help there ie, her dad.

Feels such a long journey, sometimes I feel that we will conquer it and it will all be fine, othertimes it seems impossible.

On the routine, my DD is the same. If anything happens that isnt what she expected she becomes v upset. She finds not knowing what is for meals at the unit stressful, but it is good for her I think to deal with that.

Onwards and upwards, albeit at bit of a stagger!

I am glad to hear that she will be looked after for a few months. Refeeding is a mammoth task and you have so much else to contend with. This will give her the start she needs and hopefully you will be in a stronger position to deal with her. Have you looked at www.aroundthedinnertable.org/ this forum and associated website is full of really good information (apologies if I have already told you about it).

We are now really challenging our DD and requiring her to eat well. Although we were strict over eating at home, we did not make any demands on her at school (although her teachers were reporting back to us on her eating). Now she is on summer holidays she is eating three meals and three snacks each day. I notice a downturn in her mood today but that is something I am used to now and will improve when she is more used to the schedule. The only way to beat this is for her to put on weight so there is no option. Interestingly have you heard of the Minnesota starvation experiment? The results were astonishing - I won't bore you with the details here but it is very interesting how mood was affected by not eating.

I hope your DD continues to make good progress and that you are feeling better about things. Thinking of you and hope to hear from you again soon..

Hi, thanks for the website reference. I haven't seen it so will have a look!

I'm really pleased that your DD is managing to eat, albeit a struggle. How much does she weigh now?

My DD is eating, she struggles if her weight increases too fast and pulls back the next day. Very frustrating! They are really good though, they have discussed this with her and are encouraging her to try and not be too scared. She worries she will feel out of control if it is too rapid a gain.

Her mood is improving although she is very emotionally volatile. A bit treading on eggshells but she is definitely more cheerful. She has incredible lows too and get quite scared of them.

I really hope that with the summer holidays you manage to steadily increase your DD's weight gain.

Will google Minnesota! When I'm not house hunting that is. Don't know where to move to, how far to move from exH to get space but be close enough to DC's school/activites etc. My DD wants to move further away than I feel is reasonable. Decisions decisions...

Hi Feelingpositive - I hope your DD is continuing to eat and gain weight.

In answer to your question my DD is five feet six inches and weighs 43.6kg. She cannot see that she is tiny and really struggles when she puts on weight. I try to understand her fears but refuse to be drawn into negotiating with her at the moment. She argues very powerfully - as they all do - against putting on weight and has a fear of being fat, nevertheless we are determined to bring her weight up. She is due for some blood tests tomorrow so the results will be interesting. She does eat what we give her and the only times that she makes a fuss are when she has gained weight, but it is something we are becoming used to and we usually ignore it, I am not negotiating with an eating disorder and am calmly making her get on with it.

Hi twentyoneagain, its amazing how they can't see the real them.

My DD is not doing well at the moment, she is not eating much and is struggling. She is 5 feet 3 inches and weighs 37kg. She too is tiny and keeps repeating to me that I had told her I used to be very skinny and nobody forced me to eat. She cannot take on board that my skinny was prob 10kg heavier than her and I was still slim!

They want her to get to 46kg at least, so a long way to go.

I'm pleased your DD eats what you ask her too, every mouthful is a step closer to health. The unit is struggling to get DD to eat, the ed is so powerful. She was crying yesterday saying she just can't and doesn't want to do it. She just wants to be left alone to be skinny.

It is the most impossible situation.

It is just so awful, I know you are feeling so worried right now. As I understand it - they cannot begin to get better mentally until they put on weight. They have starved their brains as well as the rest of their bodies and the thinking becomes totally distorted. This has made me realise that arguing with them is pointless, although I have noticed DD is becoming more reasoned in her discussions.

I was also skinny as a child - still skinny now - but like you did not have a problem eating. The FEAST website is good isn't it and there are lots of success stories to give us confidence. I also find that it inspires me to keep going and how to separate the illness from my DD.

I hope you are not feeling too down, try to take care of yourself especially while someone else is feeding your DD. How is the house hunting going?

Hi, no news really. DD continues to not put on weight and not see her dad.

The unit are trying really hard to help, I really feel she's in the right place. I really think moving will help but noone's put an offer in yet!

So, we plod on. Fluctuate between frustration, desperation, sadness, exhaustion. I'm sure you can relate! I hope your DD is improving it is exhausting isn't it? Did her blood results come back ok?