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Original poster

9yo self harming - how do I support my friend?

11 replies

icecoldcatsbum · 24/03/2010 17:39

A very good friend of mine rang me this morning and told me that her dd self harmed last night.

There is a lot of background in the poor little girls life and the mother is talking to the school, a physchologist etc and so I think doing the right things to start to get this sorted but what can I do to support the mother?

I just didn't know what to say to her on the phone this morning

OP posts:
MobileNumberPortability · 24/03/2010 17:59

Off the top of my head, i would guess the best thing you can do for her is to listen to her talk of her fears and frustrations etc and reassure her that she can say anything to you without judgement.

Original poster
icecoldcatsbum · 24/03/2010 18:19

Thanks Mobile. I was really glad that she phoned me even if the content was not something I wanted to hear! (only in terms of not wanting for it to have happened iyswim) She was on the phone for about an hour. She was in tears and so was I although I hope that I hid them from her! My friends exh isn't nearby so she really feels on her own with this one.

What a situation for them to be in.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 24/03/2010 18:25

Be there and listen to her, which is what you are already doing.

You sound like a great friend.

My DS self harmed at this age, and I would never have dared tell anyone (although the school did notice) so I guess it's not that unusual.

LynetteScavo · 24/03/2010 18:25

Be there and listen to her, which is what you are already doing.

You sound like a great friend.

My DS self harmed at this age, and I would never have dared tell anyone (although the school did notice) so I guess it's not that unusual.

Original poster
icecoldcatsbum · 24/03/2010 18:32

Can I ask Lynette how you dealt with it? In terms of what you said to your ds etc?

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 24/03/2010 20:19

Erm, well we ignored the fact that he did it....he usually did it when alone in his room, so didn't realise until afterwards....we just never talked about it. I've no idea if that was right or wrong. I've also tried to build up his self esteem, but am not sure if I've done a very good job. When he self harmed in class at school his teacher tried to distract him.

Over all what stopped it was changing what was making him unhappy.

Original poster
icecoldcatsbum · 24/03/2010 22:20

Thanks for replying Lynette and for being honest! You obviously did a good job for your son as he is over it now!

You are right that the only thing to help stop it would be to stop the thing that is making (your ds and) my friends dd unhappy. I asked the question really to try to find out how she can deal with the actual harming part of the whole issue. It is a hard decision to make faced with your precious child who is hurt but also knowing that they have done that to themselves. Do you give attention to them or not? Would giving attention to it encourage it?

My friend just washed the wound and didn't do much else as she was in shock I suppose.

Today she has set the ball rolling into finding help to try to get to the bottom of what is upsetting her dd. I just really hope that it doesn't happen again.

OP posts:
maryz · 24/03/2010 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
icecoldcatsbum · 24/03/2010 23:25

That is very true maryz. Thank you too for speaking up about this, I appreciate it.

My friend doesn't have any family to talk to about this and so is very reliant on friends. She has spoken to the school about it today and they, thankfully, were very helpful and supportive. She has told me and her new partner and that is all. I can understand that not telling any of the other parents at the school is a good idea. I think maybe that is why I came on here, a. to find out what other people needed from their friends at a time like this but also b. to talk about it where no-one knows who I am talking about.

It is good to hear that you just wanted someone to listen and not have any suggestions as my nature is to try to help by trying to solve the problem, which I know I can't do. I can however listen!

OP posts:
cory · 25/03/2010 12:24

We too have recently been through this. What maryz says basically, someone discreet who would let me talk, not offer too much advice, supportive and not overtly too shocked but at the same time not so positive that they didn't seem to realise what a shock this was to me.

Original poster
icecoldcatsbum · 25/03/2010 16:14

Cory I am sorry to hear that. I know what a shock it was to me so can only start to imagine what it must be like for a parent. You are all brave people in my eyes!

I think the general consensus between you all is for me just to listen, not judge and not to give much advice.

That quite suits me as I don't have any advice to give as I don't know much, if anything, about this issue at all but I can listen!

Thank you all and I hope all your dc's are better and happy where they are in their lives now.

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