Another Chegirl needy thread re health/medical issues Heeeelp.

[chegirlsgotheartburn]

Here we go again.

I am afraid I have a history of near hysterical posts like this. Sorry

Quick background. I had a beautiful girl who was very sick for a long time. Our lives revolved around her treatment and hosptials. It was very trumatic and dreadful. She died in 06. The experience has left me with PTSD which is only apparent when I have to deal with certain situations. I deal with life pretty well otherwise.

Came home from work today to find a letter from GOSH with the date of DS's MRI scan. Its on Monday! I knew it was coming but expected a couple of weeks notice. I am not sure it would have made a difference though.

As soon as I saw the letter I could feel my heart start thumping and I began to shake (just a bit) and get all those horrible symptoms of anxiety. DS was not about BTW.

I am so worried about how I will cope on Monday. DS is not being investigated for anything nasty. Its do do with his learning difficulties. I am not anxious that we will get dreadful results.

I am simply, irrationally, terrified and I feel such a total tit.

I need to keep DS calm. He is going to be very upset and it is very hard to explain anything complex to him.

I am rambling and I am not sure what I want anyone to say really. Its not like I dont know what to expect. Seen hundreds of GAs and DD had MRIs and cat scans etc.

I think I just want to be able to deal with this and stop being such a wimp.

If I wasnt pg I would be asking GP for a low dose of valium but you cant take valium whilst you are pg.

Argghghgh feel stupid and inadequate.

Tell me it will be fine

It will be fine [manly pat on the back]

Can you take someone with you to give you some support? It sounds like you need it, quite understandably.

It will be fine , you will be marvellous and your ds will be perfect .

I know it is horrible for you , but it is better really that you don't have much notice . Imagine two weeks of freaking out ? 3/4 days sounds much more bearable

Can you take rescue remedy while pregnant ?

Chegirl - only one hand free to type.l

It makes total sense that all of this would trigger all the fear and anxiety you felt when you went to hospital appointments with your wonderful dd.

Grief is a very 'bodily' experience in some ways, and the sight of the letter, the smell of a waiting room - all of those mundane bits of the experience you went through -- your body remembers and reacts to ..

Do you have to go alone to the appointment? Can you ring them and mention that it might trigger distress and is there somewhere you could take a minute to yourself if that happens? Just knowing you have that safety valve might be enough.

There's lots of support from here and a space for venting: that goes without saying.

Breathing deeply here.

Thanks for the manly pat died. OH will have to drive us there, if he can park he will stay and see what happens. Sometimes I am better on my own because I can sort of zone out. Also I worry about OH because he cant walk very far and hospitals always seem to involve a lot of trolling about.

TW thanks. I think you are right about the notice thing. RR has got brandy in it but I dont think thats enough to stop me using it. I hadnt thought about it. I will pop in the health food place at the weekend. Would be good for DS but he will be nil by mouth so he cant have it.

DS is going to be soooooo mad at me. I predict months (if not years) of bringing this up. He still goes on about his allergy test and that was ages ago.

Red thank you. Yes that it exactly how it feels. My body/brain seems to react without me be able to control it. I become a very different person and thats why its so hard to get across to people when I am not in that place IYSWIM.

I called today to confirm that there will be a play specialist about and to give a little bit of background about DS's sister. He gets a bit anxious and always starts talking about her when we go to hospital. Its his main memory of her so I am not suprised.

I do tell staff because I dont want them to think I am being shifty or attention seeking when I am acting a bit weird. Usually people are great but I always feel stupid.

Poor DS. This is about him not me .

che , it might be worth checking with them if he can have it , I am sure a couple of drops of rescue remedy can't hurt (no idea by the way but worth a check )

It is good you are able to tell them , I am rubbish and just end up looking shifty and uncomfortable and ready to run . Would it help if it wasn't at GOSH ? I don't know how easy it would be to arrange but maybe a different hospital could help ?

GOSH isnt the problem as DD it wasnt one of DD's main hospitals. We went there a couple of times but it doesnt hold particular memories.

Its the whole hospital deal really.

I do understand , I get twitchy just going to the doctors never mind a hospital , just clutching at straws really .

The one thing I can pretty much guarantee is that it will be nowhere near as bad as you will be thinking .

Che, it does sound as if your ds is having similar feelings when he goes to the hospital because of his own memories.

Would it help to say something very simple to him to help him feel less scared of his own reaction to hospitals.

Maybe, 'I always think of dd when I am in a hospital. Do you? It makes my tummy go wobbly for a minute.'

Whenever I've read posts where you have mentioned ds, you make it obvious that he couldn't have any more love and support than he gets from you.

There is all sorts of advice we can give, but I couldn't help be struck by just how understandable your reaction is, and how you really should not feel in any way inadequate. Do everything you can possibly do to look after yourself and PLEASE don't beat yourself up. You are a loving mother who has had a very hard time, and life doesn't exactly sound easy now. You are aware of your reaction rubbing off on your son and are sensitive to that, but don't stress about that too much either. You are doing your best. Take care xx

Thanks TW I know you understand and I am sorry that you have to.

Red. I think you are right. I dont feel his feelings are as strong as mine though thank goodness. For a long time every time he saw a tower block he would say 'look thats where DD lives!' . The last hospital she was in was a new one and she was on the 12th floor.

The deep seated memories he has must be awful though. Although we acted 'normal' we were under intolerable stress the whole time. He would have known that if I was 'there' I wasnt at home and its very hard for a little boy to be seperated from his mum like that. Particularly as he had already been through the trauma of seperation from his birth mother

He hasnt had horrible experiences of hosptials for his own treatment but he doesnt like them because things are often asked of him that he doesnt understand e.g. when he was tested for his auditory processing disorder. Its enough to make him v.stroppy when I take him which obviously makes the process more stressful for all involved.

I broached the subject tonight and he cried a bit. I promised him a prize and that cheered him up a little . Going by experience he will get a bit obsessive about it now and repeat the same questions over and over. He still hasnt got a grasp of what day follows what so he will need lots of reassurance and reminders when its happening.

I will talk to him about the feelings though. Your suggestion is a good one. I need to use very simple language for him.

Your last comment is very kind - thank you. I really do not want to inflict my problem on my childrend and fully intend to explore this after I have had my baby. This pg has made me realise how serious it has got and I dont want it impacting on my family. That bloody cancer took enough from us- I dont want my family to have to further suffer from its legacy because of my inability to deal with medical situations.

Hi Che

You're expecting far too much from yourself. Of course you feel like you do, I think it would be very odd if you didn't tbh.

Anything medical related brings me out in a cold sweat. If I see a letterhead on the doormat from the hospital C was in I feel like I am going to vomit. Everytime I have been to the GP's about ds2 (very minor stuff) I have ended up in tears because of anxiety.

It's all very normal, and maybe if you let yourself realise that it is ok to feel like you do them maybe you'll find going there just a little bit easier.

And at the end of day, you know you'll get through it. You've been through worse and coping and getting on with it is what us mothers do.

Hi Ilike

Sorry you feel like this too but thanks for telling me. It helps to know its not just me.

I really thought I would be over all that by now. I had a blood test report from the GP a few weeks ago and I was almost beside myself at the thought of having to phone them for an appt! I wasnt scared of the results, it was the whole process of negotiating the system that set me off, then the idea of the smells and noises etc.

It is impacting on my life so I do need to try and tackle it. I know the memories will not go away. I would like to find a way of beating the extreme reactions my brain and body have though

Just sending support for tomorrow. Take care.