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DC in intensive care & another at home - How do I cope? Think I might go mad!

143 replies

twinmam · 29/06/2009 11:44

I am grabbing 5 mins whilst my DD1 is asleep. Am home from hospital for the first time in days to spend some time with her. Basically what happened is this: DD2 has had a cough I've been concerned about since Jan, mostly at night. Have been to GP several times & virtually been accused of being a fussy mother, nothing to worry about etc. A week ago on Sat she developed a very croupy cough, barking etc and by the evening her breath sounded very heavy. I rang the out of hours dr and we ended up being taken into hosp where she was given steroids for what they thought was croup. She was given 6 doses of 3 diff types of steroids but her breathing didn't improve. They transferred us to another hospital on Tues where there are ENT paediatric specialists. On Wed night she was struggling so much with her breathing they transferred her to intensive care. On Thurs they took her into theatre to do an endoscopy. They were reluctant to as they knew her windpipe was very swollen but decided they would need to put a breathing tube in etc. They found a severe infection but nothing else as it was all too red and swollen. They are thinking she may have an underlying structural weakness, possibly a floppy larynx which has meant the chest infection was so dangerous. They were going to bring her round from sedation today (she has been under since Thurs) but windpipe is too swollen still so too risky so they will review tomorrow. They are using the size of breathing tube they would normally use on a newborn (she is 16 months old) and it is still really tight. Hopefully the antibiotics will really kick in and she can be woken up and have the tube removed tomorrow. They will then do a barium swallow and possibly another endoscopy or look further down at a later date. I feel a bit as if my head is spinning. Just over a week ago we were living a normal life and I was complaining about what hard work it is to look after two babies. In the last week I have held my daughter down whilst they have tormented her, taking blood, repeated cannulas, nebulisers that have terrified her.... Handing her over to the anaethetist on Thurs was the hardest thing I have ever done. I literally felt as if someone was ripping my insides out. And we have our other DD at home. DH is sleeping at home and I am at hosp so we can try and give her some sense of normality. My parents are looking after her and DH's parents have flown back from abroad to help. We are lucky that we have a big support network and that the paediatric staff are wonderful. The consultant even hugged me on Thurs when I was a mess and the surgical team were promising me they would look after her. The anaethetist told me had 3 Dcs of his own and he would take good care of her. They were true to their word because she is still here and I am eternally grateful. I feel so torn though. I feel as if by leaving the hospital something could happen but then I feel guilty for not spending time with DD1 who has been saying 'Mama mama' for the last few days and even kissing a picture of me It has all been so frightening and surreal and I am just longing for an ordinary life. Not really sure why I'm spilling my guts on here other than that in RL I am feeling the need to stay really really strong and positive as that's the only way I'm holding it together. Has anyone else had a similar exp and returned to normal life? How did you cope? What is the best way to get through this nightmare? Thanks

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twinmam · 08/07/2009 20:02

Saggar - exactly the same here re. the different ways DH and I deal with this. To me, it's our job as parents to be there by her side, fighting alongside her IYSWIM. I have certainly felt that's defined my role as her mother in the last few weeks, which has left me very torn over DD1 and how she fits in, poor little love I'm certainly looking forward to making it up to her in the next few weeks

I've been beside DD2 for everything and even insisted that I was there for extubation. Luckily we had a very understanding consultant; the nurses told me that usually they ask parents to leave in case anything goes wrong which is a distinct possibility. Re-intubation is not a nice thing and distressed parents can get in the way apparently! If they had let me go in to theatre with her for the endoscopy I would have done and that moment of her being taken away, despite the enormous trust I felt in the medical team, remains one of the most traumatic moments of this awful time we've had.

DH would rather not be there the whole time and initially I too took this as a sign of him somehow lacking in loyalty. I saw his more practical concerns as excuses to be away from hospital. In some respects they probably were but I'm seeing now that it's OK to not be here the whole time.

That said, if DH has been in hospital when they were taking bloods etc he has been right there with DD too. I have proved a much more effective pinner-downer though and have a pretty impressive head lock manouevre for babies who don't want to be nebulized!

It is just different ways of dealing with things but being with DD has helped me to cope as I have had to be strong for her and felt that I was doing something, fulfilling my role as her mother by being there. That said, I've had a few hours away today whilst DH has sat with her and it's been a relief to be on my own and having some quiet time. DH is with her now although I suspect this is because they have brought an enormous comfortable reclining chair in for us so we can sit holding DD - suddenly he is displaying much more of an interest in being there for long periods of time!

She is doing really well. She removed her NG tube but has managed to eat something plus take an array of brightly coloured liquids orally (morphine, valium, etc etc, poor little baby). This is another step closer to home and reminds me of our battle to get our girls out of SCBU and home with us where they belonged.

Actually, I'm in no rush to get home this time. I'm very happy to take things gradually and allow DD to get better in her own time although obviously I'm desperate for these withdrawal symptoms to be less hideous for her. I can't imagine the uncontrollable shaking nor the hallucinations but she is coping incredibly well. I have always been proud of my daughters but now they have just blown me away with how well they've coped with this experience.

As ever, thanks. How lovely to hear from people who've been through something similar and gone on to happier times and also from people who can imagine how terrible it's been and have been kind enough to post and wish us well.

OP posts:
brimfull · 08/07/2009 20:11

twinmam-I have been away for a few days bit was hoping your dd had improved.So glad to log on and find she is breathing on her own!

How fab.Reading all your posts and others makes me realise how wonderful our health care is in this country.

Thinking of you all and hoping for even more improvement!

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 08/07/2009 20:17

You sound just like me lol. I had to be prised from PICU to eat and sleep. dh paces, bless him It drives both dd and I nuts. When we go to appointments now he takes us because he feels the need to be close by but generally sits in the car with his paper or in the canteen. We're all less nervous that way

twinmam · 08/07/2009 20:41

Sag - LOL at you and your DD sending DH away to read the paper. Bless him!

Ggirl - you are so completely right about the healthcare in this country. Had we lived elsewhere it is very likely that DD would not be here alive today. In fact, both DDs and I would probably not be alive what with the complications I had during pg. Something to be incredibly grateful for.

One of the things I have vowed to think of often once this is all behind us (which I am now really believing is going to happen) is the world of PICU. I will try to remember the dedicated staff. God, I know how corny that sounds but really these people are amazing. They saved my daughter. Quite quite literally they saved her life and they gave her back to me, albeit in a drug-addicted state And whilst they were doing that most important of all jobs they took time to reassure me, to inform me, to support me and even to hug me. I can't really begin to explain how grateful I am and if I ever hear anyone slate the NHS then heaven help them. This from me who has slagged it off many a time but bloody hell, they've come through for me.

I will also take time to think about the other children I've met in there, the little girl in the cot next to DD who has been in intensive care since her birth 11 months ago and whose poor mum still can't take her home, much as she longs to have her little girl with her. I feel so incredibly lucky and I don't want to lose that in the grind of daily life because sometimes it's easy to lose sight of how precious your DCs are in the midst of the general chaos. I actually faced losing DD. On Saturday night I sat and howled for hours and I just kept thinking "I want my baby, give me my baby back". I have got her back, she will come home and she is going to be OK and that just makes me feel like the luckiest person alive. Am also trying to remember that as we watch her fight this withdrawal and wish we could go through it for her.

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Elibean · 08/07/2009 21:23

Twinmam I can hear your dd, and you, recovering by the day. Lol at you and Saggars and your dhs - dh is not a pacer, and he did shifts in HDU, but whereas he would pop out for a coffee or to eat, or to read the paper (read the paper?!?) I had to be dragged out for a pee. Must be a Mum thing!

The twin reunion sounds wonderful, and must have been a huge relief for you and dh to see them together again.

The withdrawals, OTOH, sound pretty awful - we were lucky enough not to go through that as dd wasn't actually intubated, 'only' CPAP. I hope she recovers as well from those as she has from the infection, and that tomorrow is easier. Its good they're doing it gently, in so far as they can.

I stayed in touch with another Mum from those HDU days for well over a year, till she moved away....her dd was an 'oldie' of 8 weeks at the time, with DS and a hole in her heart. Both of us felt lucky not to be in the same situation as the woman whose 9 month old was in the isolation bed, with an undiagnosed problem that kept her there month after month unable to maintain her breathing unaided when asleep. In January, two years later, we were back in HDU for a night after dd had an ENT op, and that little one was still there

You're bringing back a lot of memories! Tis a good thing.

Hope you get some good sleep tonight as well, still thinking of you.

mumonthenet · 08/07/2009 21:43

so glad to hear your news twinmam.

you have really been through it, I remember dd2 in hospital for three days at three weeks old.....I was a total wreck! And she wasn't even in icu.

You have been very brave (as have all the twinfamily!)

GColdtimer · 09/07/2009 07:34

So glad to hear your news Twinmam, you sound like you are coping with this so well. I can't imagine the pain of those poor parents's whose children are in hospital long term. Your posts have made me realise how lucky we are.

I know what you mean about going through it for her. Its a bit different I know but DD and I fell down the stairs on Boxing Day. She was fine but in saving her, I dislocated and broke my ankle. Even though I was in absolute agony I kept saying "thank god she is OK". That was all I cared about and every stage I was so thankful that she was OK and was aware that it could have been so much worse. At the time I even took the time to really calmly tell her I had to go to hospital in an ambulance because I'd hurt my leg but she could come and see me later and it would be exciting. It was only when she was safely in front of the telly I went back to howling! Anyway, I digress, the point I am making is that we find amazing strength when it comes to protecting our children and there is nothing worse than seeing your child in pain.

I hope the withdrawl eases soon and you get her home where she belongs.

RumourOfAHurricane · 09/07/2009 10:23

This reply has been deleted

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Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 09/07/2009 10:28

I agree - it is a bit of an eye opener. You go along in your daily life and it barely registers but one day you are there in the middle of ICU and you realise that this is happening to families everyday. It certainly makes you grateful for the NHS staff and grateful for surviving it.

There's an odd guilt though too I think - for me there is anyway. There was a child in ICU in similar circumstances to the one you spoke of twinmam; a child protection issue and she died. My friend's little boy Andrew - I met his mum during those long weeks (we were there for 8 weeks); he died shortly after we left. The little boy in the next bed to dd in our local hospital one time;arrested in the night and I stood and held his his mum whilst they tried and failed to resus him. There were others too. It breaks my heart to think of them and I know just how lucky we've been.

Sorry twinmam - I don't mean to bring your thread down. Tis a happy thread with a happy ending but there are alot of memories that resurface even now.

Hope today is a good day and I know there'll be many more

twinmam · 17/07/2009 20:59

Just an update from me and a VERY happy one! We brought DD home on Wed after 3.5 weeks in hospital, 2 of them in intensive care. She is doing brilliantly. Today I was watching her play with her twin sister, shrieking with laughter, and wondered if the last few weeks had just been a nightmare!

The basic conclusions reached by the medical team are this: the long-term cough is attributable to reflux (discovered on a barium swallow) and this recent episode was an isolated incident. She caught a dreadful infection which led to acute tracheitis - her windpipe became so swollen she was unable to breathe hence her having to be intubated. They are not ruling out an underlying problem so she will be monitored and has follow-up appointments plus we have open access to the ward should we ever have any concerns about her breathing but generally the feeling is that there is no reason that she should become so ill again.

Even when they did eventually wake her, her windpipe was still terribly swollen but since then she has thrived. The worst thing was the withdrawal from the morphine and other drugs they used to keep her sedated - she kept waking up so needed lots of top ups.

She was hallucinating, screaming, shaking etc and it was horrendous to see plus, for us, completely unexpected. It seemed so cruel that a baby should have to suffer such symptoms.

They stopped the morphine on Tuesday and once they had monitored her they let us bring her home on Wed. By then I was climbing the walls! Tuesday was the first day when I realised taking her home was not only a possibility but that I really wanted to, to the extent that I found myself threatening to discharge her as I was convinced she'd be better at home She was almost back to herself although quite anxious at times and also quite nervous about being anywhere near strangers, understandably, especially those brandishing anything that looked remotely medical!

Since she has been home she has thrived. DH and I bathed our DDs tonight and he said "we have our family back". He was so right. She still is suffering some withdrawal symptoms plus side effects of the drugs she has for withdrawal (chlonidine) which we are weaning her off gradually in 48 hour increments. She is fab during the day, completely normal, but night time seems harder for her. The last couple of nights she has gone to bed with only minor protests but then has woken later and become very distressed so she has ended up in our bed. It's hardly surprising given that since she came out of intensive care, the time she spent in hospital she slept in bed with me. She also has awful sweating in the night and can get quite worked up and anxious, bless her. We are having to give her her meds during the night at the mo so that doesn't help with the whole getting a good night's sleep thing.

Of course, having her in our bed is no hardship. There were points over the last few weeks when I wondered if we were going to lose her so the fact that she is here and, not only that, she is OK and so completely herself is so wonderful I can hardly believe it. Each night I dream we're back in hospital so it's an enormous relief to wake up and find that she's here and OK, quite the opposite of when I wanted to wake up from the nightmare that we found ourselves in but was forced to face as reality.

It does feel as if we have our happily ever after. I don't think I'll ever be the same after having faced losing my DD and I hope that as the shock wears off I will never take her or her twin or our precious family for granted ever again.

Thank you for all of you who sent such supportive messages; your kind words really did help. Those of you who experienced similar situations gave me such hope and those of you who hadn't but simply, as fellow mothers, felt sympathy for me all gave me the strength I needed to keep on going when really all I wanted to do was curl up and howl. That strangers would shed tears for us, pray for us and think of us was stunning. You were companions to me in a short but often unbearable journey and for that I am eternally grateful.

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Elibean · 17/07/2009 21:46

how lovely to read your post and hear how well she's doing. I'm so glad its nothing ongoing! I know exactly what you mean about not taking her for granted (though there is something lovely about being able to as well, of course, with hindsight!) and hope that the hard side of it all fades leaving you with that extra appreciation you describe so eloquently...

I for one appreciate you taking the time to update us, and of course we shared your journey - as many have shared mine. They are 'all our chlidren' as someone wise once said.

Hope the residual withdrawals go away fast, and that both your dds continue to enjoy good health!

Elibean · 17/07/2009 21:46

'children'

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 18/07/2009 13:45

twinmam - so happy to hear from you

Thanks for updating us. That's a lovely post and I'm so glad she's fine.

RedLentil · 18/07/2009 13:55

So happy that things are looking so good from here on in twinmam. Every best wish to you and your family.

AbbyLou · 19/07/2009 12:09

Your post made me cry for a different reason this time! You write with so much feeling. I am so so happy for you that your dd is on the mend. It must be so amazing to see her playing with her sister again.

GColdtimer · 20/07/2009 18:54

twinmam, thank you so much for coming back and updating us. I have been hoping that we would hear from you.

Its so lovely that you have her home and that you feel you have got your family back. Also great to hear that there is no serious unlying condition.

I am so pleased for you

brimfull · 23/07/2009 20:02

god was wondering about you and your dd

thanks for the update

so glad to hear she's home and well

btw-you write beautifully

Northernlurker · 23/07/2009 20:22

So pleased you have your girl home with her sister

Aside from the drug withdrawal issue, many adults (let alone children) find difficulty in adjusting after an ICU stay. It is such a traumatic and abnormal experience, full of noise and disturbance that it takes time to recover 'normality' so the difficulties she has at night may be part of that as well as reflecting her condition. But she WILL get better and this is going to be ok and you have done so well to keep it together as you have. Your daughters are very fortunate in their parents.

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