smoking in-laws and our three children

[cba]

ok, dh thinks i need to relax a little. Would like your honest opinions.

Ok, fil very good when he needs to smoke he will go to the kitchen in his house shut the door and smoke.

Mil says she will not be treat like a school girl and will do it wherever she wants.

Yesterday we were at her house and in her kitchen so she went to the living room to smoke, but then came in the kitchen opened the window and continued to smoke and lit another. The children were eating so couldnt take them to the living room as they dont eat in there.

dh thinks i need to relax and says the issue is more to do with me and her. She is very controlling and caused alot of probkems between me and dh. I do have an issue in forgetting what she has done, e.g. blaming me when dh had a two year affair and generally just causing trouble for me.

So, if you are were in this situation what would you do? I have had a massive row with dh as he says she might be trying to change and get involved a little more. I think after ten years of giving into her and trying to make her happy I have had enough and have reached breaking point.

What is the best thing I can do? Even on the rare time she comes to our house she moans about going outside for a cigarette.

Each time she did that, I would gather up my children and belongings and go and sit in the car, asking her to let me know when she was done.

Actually, I just wouldn't visit at all. She sounds selfish and uncaring.

thanks geepers, she is selfish but dh thinks i am using it as an excuse as we dont get on. It is not that, yes we havent got on, but i dont want dc smelling of smoke and breathing it in. dh is really mad with me.

she would never be allowed to smoke at my house and i would leave any house where someone smoked in the same room as my child.

Her house her rules, so i wouldn't take my kids round. She has made a choice to smoke, when there your children are forced to smoke.

My inlaws smoke, but never smoke in the same room as the children. They either go outside or to the back bedroom when we are there.
For me it's non negotiable, if they want to see the kids at their house then they don't smoke round them.
In your shoes, I would say sweetly that of course she has a right to do what she wants in her own own, and you fully respect that. Just as you are sure she fully respects your wish to keep your children safe, and therefore you will not be coming round with them again. Although they are more than welcome to come to your house at any time, not smoking near the children, of course.

Would your DH hand your kids a cig? in essence them being there while she is smoking is no different.

i am so glad everyone agrees. I dont even like them being in the house if i am honest as it just stinks of smoke.

Think i might just say to dh, he takes them if he wants them to go that much.

TBH I would not let him take them if you know she will smoke where they are.
He needs to grow a pair.

So they can't eat in her lounge, but she can smoke in there? Which is worse?
YANBU.

If your MIL doesn't want to be treated like a school girl she should stop behaving like one.

Sounds like she came in the kitchen on purpose knowing full well that the kids wouldn't be able to eat else where just to assert her authority.

Can't believe your dh isn't being more supportive over an issue that could affect his childrens health.

I'd be tempted to reduce visits if possible.

It does sound like she is trying to provoke you into refusing to bring the DC round any more so she can moan about what an unreasonable cow you are.
How often do you actually visit, though? Bcause, TBH, once a fortnight or so a little short-term exposure to smoke will not actually cause your DC to explode or drop instantly dead. Remember generations of children were brought up being pretty much kippered by chainsmoking parents and older siblings, and nearly all of them survived without much damage - while smoking is an unhealthy and unpleasant habit it is possible to be too hysterically precious about it.

yes, I know once a fortnight will not do them fatal harm. But, is it not the principle and dare I say, not too much to ask of a grandparent who cannot be arsed to visit the grandchildren in their own home because we dont allow smoking to refrain for an hour or two max when we are in her house.

She is so bad, we went for a meal over the christmas period and she asked the waiter if she could just pay the £50.00 fine for smking inside so she could have an ashtray at the table.

How bad is that? I wanted to curl into a ball. Thank goodness the waiter said no

I cannot go round any less or the inlaws would never see them and I really dont want that.

solid, you are right she would love me to say they cant go round then make out she is the victim in all of this.

Well, she does sound like a prize PITA. But the thing is, if she really is this unreasonable then she isn't going to back down. So you basically have to choose between infrequent exposure to smoke for your DC and them not having a relationship with their admittedly nutcase granny.

Are your DC old enough to be subtly encouraged to cough ostentatiously at Granny and say, 'Ooh, YUK granny, you STINK!'? Because she might take a little more notice of them than she would of you.

solid, it was so funny yesterday she came to school with me for the first time. When we were at the school gates she said she was going to have a smoke. ds1 said, please dont it is so embarrassing, she did anyway. Then we had to go into another part of the school grounds for the car park and proceeded to light up and smoke in the school grounds to the car, then throw her cigarette in a tree

I must add, I did not walk with her and walked on ahead. Now if I had said she couldnt smoke she would have got really shitty with me then phoned dh and said I was being a school teacher.

ds2 in the car then said to her, "you do realise you are going to die because you smoke, you will probably get lung cancer and it stinks", again like water off a ducks back.

Think it is a losing battle, think I just need somewhere to vent. God it is so hard to keep my cool sometimes.

You inlaws are of an age when smoking wasn't frowned upon full stop. Soldiers were given free cigarettes and secretaries encouraged to smoke as a slimming aid. Smokers are persecuted nowadays, its getting worse by the day. Your MIL is behind in coming to terms with current attitudes and is hitting back.

I agree she sounds like a PITA but think you should lighten up a little. She's trying to wind you up over it, don't rise to it. A little exposure isn't going to harm the DC's.

abouteve, she is hitting back at the pc brigade so to speak. I am not rising to the bait, she is trying though.

I agree a little wont hurt. But, what about when they sleep over, if we put across an attitude that we dont mind then they will do it all the more, wherever and whenever. My god she may even expect to smoke at our house.

By all means stand your ground over smoking in your house: that's non-negotiable. I think the only way to deal with it is to keep the DC's visits not too frequent and not allow sleepovers. Because she's not going to do what you ask, unfortunately.

It's not just about how it affects the health of the passive smoker in the long term but it is also uncomfortable to sit in a smoky room. Your eyes hurt your chest hurts you stink of another person's shitty smoke. She is an unbearable idiot and I am really angry for you (have had this battle with fil backed up by my dh he now begrudgingly smokes in his garden). Your dh sounds like he is cowed by her and should think of his kids a bit more.

Don't take the kids to her house until she stops smoking - she'll have to go to yours if she wants to see them.

I don't think that smokers realise how foul it is! It isn't only breathing it in, it is coming home and having to wash clothes, hair and shower to get rid of the smell. Luckily I don't have the problem. It is a bit difficult in their house but I should stick to no smoking in your house. I would just keep the visits short.

i am so glad people agree. I was beginning to think i was being over the top. She is unbearable and right or wrongly I have got to the stage where I would rather go to her house once a fortnight than have to put up with her in my house.

She made a big drama over a sleepover just for the two of the children before and I agreed. Dont think it would ever become a regular thing as things often lose their excitement with her.

Do you know on the odd time when we go and she does smoke just in the kitchen we still smell of it when we come home.

Smokers and their houses always stink.Someone has been fagging in my hire care.It is so strong.

What a nutter she sounds.
Is she wizened and yellow like an old kipper?

She sounds really horrible and passive aggressive.Also controlling and selfish.My mil smoked next to me at a dinner when I was pregnant and it really upset me,especially as all the other smokers had gone outside just because of me.I was without dh,but he would have told her off if he was there,I think your husband should be the one asking her to stop and then she can't use it as a way to bully you.

like that moondog. I remember going out for a meal about 6 years ago and when in laws were smoking in between courses somebody complained. One of the staff asked them to put their cigs out, fil did. Mil caused a right scene about it.

When i was pregnant with ds1 she made a joke about always bringing a spare set of clothes with me whenever she looked after baby so she could put fresh clothes on him prior to me taking him home. That is when alarm bells started ringing and they have never stopped.

A couple of months ago she asked us to extend and put a smoking room in our house, search my other threads, honestly.

hellymelly, you have summed it up really. I have been bullied by her for the past ten years and now I have started letting rip to dh because I am not prepared to take anymore.

She use to be really bad on a night after she had been drinking but at christmas I told dh to tell her she is not allowed to phone me on a night time, she dosent now and I am alot happier.

Oh she's a piss artist too?

Blimey.