stress in young children - please help (rather long)

[amateurmum]

My ds aged 7 has had persistent stomach ache for the last 4 or 5 months. After tests, tests etc which have all come back clear, stress has been suggested as the cause.

Looking back on it, I can see that he has been unhappy for a while, but I thought this was a result of stomach ache, not the cause. Things have got quite difficult recently - ds cries regularly, complains constantly of stomach ache, doesn't want to attend after school activities (which he usually enjoys) doesn't want to go to school somedays and constantly says he is useless at everything (he isn't)

His teacher and my parents (who do a fair amount of child care for me) are concerned and have noticed his lowness. But there doesn't seem to be a cause. He likes his teacher, is successful academically, has a close circle of friends and family life is happy (I think).

DH thinks the situation is low self esteem caused by ds's stormy relationship with is older brother who can be quite unkind to him. However, I think that the situation is normal family dynamics and the two of them often get on together.

I have suffered on and off with depression for years although it is now quite well controlled with medication. I am terrified that ds has somehow 'inherited' this but I could be wrong and dh refuses to consider this as a possibility.

Really don't know how to handle ds - anyone with experience or advice, please help.

Your poor ds!

Have the docs suggested anything to help with the stomachache? I mean, even if it is brought on by stress, it's there, it hurts, and of course it's going to depress him further.

And are you convinced it's stress and not some as yet unexplained physical cause?

Dr suggested calpol (doesn't really seem to make much difference) and hot water bottle (this seems to help but he can't take it to school).

Maybe it isn't stress - he does seem very unhappy though and small things upset him a lot although this could be the result of a ongoing stomach ache.

The thought of it being stress (how can my 7 year old be stressed?) is very worrying but dr seemed to think that physical causes had been pretty much excluded.

The connection between genetics and depression is somewhat shady so I would take that out of your mind. And doctors can be wrong - I would get a 2nd opinion on the stomach aches first and foremost.

And what does he say when you ask him if hes worried about something?

When I ask him if he's worried about something he gives a different answer every time 'I'm afraid of the dark', 'I didn't have anyone to play with today', 'I'm not going to be very good in the school play'.

I don't know if these are 'real' answers or just said because I'm pushing for a response.

Calpol? I think you need another opinion about the pain management. They need to talk through all the options with you.

Of course you need to find out what's making him unhappy (assuming it's not just the obvious stomach complaint), but if he's in enough pain to need a hot water bottle at school, then wow, poor guy, of course he's going to be depressed.

You know him best - only you will know whether they are real answers.

If you think they are, he does sound like he is lacking in confidence and therefore psychosomatic stomach aches may be responsible as the doctor said. But, where do you go from here? I would say experience, experience, experience. Let him experience the dark, with you, and enjoy it and realise it isn't (always) dangerous. Invite more people round to play. Practice the part in the play and reassure him you will be proud either way. Combat his fears bit by bit and help him gain confidence to tackle his worries head on.

Rambling, it's late.

I don't know if this is possible financially or time-wise, but... maybe taking him away somewhere he would just love? Does he have grandparents or an auntie or uncle/cousins he might like to visit for a week, who would spoil him rotten? Or maybe you or DH could take him for a little break, just the two of you?

I'm just thinking, maybe if it is stress, if it is brother-related, it might give him a chance to relax, or talk to you. And it might help figure out if it's physical or not.

Has anyone mentioned abdominal migraines. I used to get them (and they still recur occasionally now). Used to get them when we travelled, but not car sickness.
this sort of thing might help

Cocobear - we had discussed dh or I taking him out for a few hours at weekend away from brother and sister. A longer period would be great too as you suggest - we will think about this after Christmas.

Smileslikenoother
A friend did suggest abdominal migraine. I will look this up on internet. Thank-you for link - had been surfing for some time but hadn't come up with anything as helpful.

Givepeasachance - some seem real, some seem like an over-reaction ie not normally something that would make him so unhappy. Will certainly try what you suggest about the dark.

What does anyone think about after school activities. I'm usually fairly strict about making all the children go (at least until they have given activity a fair chance) and usually he enjoys them - not swimming but this is non-negotiable in normal circumstances. Do you think I should keep things as normal as possible or give him a break for a few weeks and pick them up again later if he wants to?