Am I awful for having these concerns about my daughter's weight?

[pompeymummy]

DD recently came to me (she's 6, turning 7 next month) and asked about whether I thought she was fat. I of course carried on with the spiel of "your body is growing and changing, and as long as you feel healthy" etc.
However it dawned on me that she is beginning to look slighty larger than I would ideally like. She's very active at school but goes to her dad's (we're separated) and just raids his cupboards for snacks, and will have adult sized portions on adult plates rather than her usual child plastic ones. We follow a very strict diet at home, as I was an overweight child and I do not want that for DD, and she does sometimes say she's hungry afterwards, but surely now this is just showing what happens if I gave her food whenever she was hungry?

Not sure how to approach this as her father is adamant he's feeding her a normal amount, and paternal grandparents are convinced of that as well, so I fear I have no power there.

Should I be restricting it a bit further at home so it balances out? I just don't want her to end up like some of the kids at her school, especially as she's getting to the age where girls are very judgemental.

How on earth can 6 year old girls be getting judgemental??

Sounds tricky OP. The way I would deal is maybe making a LOT of greens/veg/sides that she can load up on with the meal and maybe even after she's hungry. I think the dynamic of being left hungry after meals might make her snacking and cravings worse.

How often is she at her dad’s?

If you are already giving small amounts (where she is saying she is hungry) and are considering restricting, then you are possibly going to make food a much bigger issue than it is. Focus on a varied diet with plenty of protein, good fats (definitely not low fat stuff). Then keep her active at home too. Try having a conversation with her dad/ grandparents about limiting unhealthy snacks, but if you make a big deal about it/ your daughter tells them she is always hungry at home, they may try to ‘compensate’.

DD used to get decidedly podgy before a growth spurt, it was like she was storing up all the extra energy before shooting upwards.

Is there a chance it's this OP?

My parents really messed up my eating for years by restricting the amount of healthy food I could eat (as well as unhealthy). I was made to feel guilty for having an appetite! If she's hungry after a meal, I'd trust her and give her more food. Trcjy with the different food approach by your ex, but I think just do what you can to educate her about food and try and discuss it calmly with him. E.g., I am trying to teach mine that crisps may be delicious, but they're not something that will fill you up and so better to first have something like nuts, some fruit, etc. Unlimited access to a snack cupboard sounds like a terrible idea to me and the thing to tackle over portion size of a meal. My 4 year old is whippet thin and needs a bigger plate than a small plastic children's one sometimes.

If she's still hungry at home, she needs more of the good stuff, not less.
Agree with pp about a possible growth spurt coming - I work in ks1 and we often notice kids growing out and then suddenly shooting up!

You aren’t feeding her enough. Your Ex may be overfeeding her but restricting what she eats at your house isn’t going to end well

As PP i often notice DD looks a little rounder in the tummy before a growth spurt. Give it a few weeks and the chances are she will shoot up and it will even out. Also, I really try to avoid making food an issue. Can you pad out meals with veg - taming twins does a great bolognaise, offer fruit etc? If she wants pudding do sugar free jelly or similar? Basically not restricting food so she is hungry but changing the options

My mum grew up overweight and was determined we wouldn't, so was very strict with our diets (no snacks between meals, even fruit, if we didn't like a meal, we were made to sit there until we'd eaten it, we had one "unhealthy" snack once a week etc) and what I would say is I've grown with a very bad relationship with food.

As soon as I was old enough to have my own money/autonomy to buy things alone, I literally spent all my money on crap food and tbh I've yoyo'd with my weight my whole life (am now in my late 40s).

Withy own kids, I tried to find a middle ground. They can help themselves to fruit/veg as snacks, other more unhealthy snacks are more limited and they have to ask. If they've already had some crisps, then I say they can have fruit, or nuts etc.

They're teens now and help themselves to snacks, but they are both slim and have a very good sense of what's healthy. We very much pushed moderation. As in nothing's inherently bad, but too much of anything isn't good for you.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my experience with being strict with food, as I don't think it will necessarily work.out well in the end.

You follow a very strict diet at home...why is that?

Yes, I agree with this. Don't restrict more - i would be upping the healthy stuff so she feels like she is well fed at yours and maybe won't raid her dad's snack cupboard.

You are not awful at all for being concerned though. You just want them to be a healthy weight - I definitely get that. But how to achieve it is the thing. I think restricting too much is a mistake though

It’s not awful to be concerned, it’s because you care.

There is an undeniable epidemic of childhood obesity. That’s factual and it’s not awful to be aware of it. There is a strong link between childhood obesity leading to lifelong obesity. You’re trying to do what’s best for your child, not just at age 6,7,8 but for her future.

It’s not awful to be aware of appropriate portion sizes, healthy eating etc.
It’s not awful to try to have some guidelines at home.
It’s not an inevitable consequence that by doing so you’ll create an eating disorder.

Neither is it an inevitable consequence that all children have growth spurts and turn into lanky skinny teens with hollow legs that can eat anything (only on MN).

Dps family grew up overeating with no idea about portion sizes. Dp was v sporty with a high metabolism and and got away with it. His brother was obese for most of his adult life with serious health issues. Until diabetes gave him the gift of Ozempic. Still has health issues though.

Is she over eating at her dad’s because she’s on a “very strict” diet at home, which you’re actually considering restricting even further? It’s not uncommon for kids to binge a bit when they’re not used to any treats at home, or portions not big enough. Im a bit worried about you saying “this is what would happen if I fed her every time she is hungry”. Surely feeding a child when they’re hungry is ok. I would guess her diet at home is too small and not filing enough, maybe the wrong foods. Are you passing down your issues with food to her?

I over ate and was quite overweight from around the age of 8. I have therefore been careful with my approach to food with my DD, but by careful I just mean I make sure that 95% of what she eats has decent nutritional value. If she's hungry, I will very happily give her more to eat.

I would say that by restricting food at home you're making it more likely that she'll binge at dad's house. I'd just try to introduce her to lots of flavour in proper food so that hopefully she will eventually choose that.
It's difficult though because the processed stuff is very very moreish so at this stage you're unlikely to influence what she eats at his place.

I am honest with my DD about why people get fat but I focus on the very processed food that has ingredients the body can't digest. We enjoy home made cakes, biscuits, high fat meals like lasagne etc. at home regularly as part of what we eat but I think it's unlikely a child would get fat eating like this as long as they're moderately active.

A very restrictive diet at home = your child is eating a normal amount at her dad’s and is likely to end up with an eating disorder when she’s older. Food is not something to be restricted it’s something to be enjoyed. Have healthy food at home, allow her as much fruit and veg as she wants, and don’t pass your own childhood shit onto your daughter.