Coeliac child lying about food

[BrassyLocks]

DS has been hiding and eating food not suitable for coeliacs. Meanwhile I'm spending a fortune on gluten free food, taking him to medical appointments, letting him miss important stuff because he has unexplained stomachaches. When all the while he's been hiding snacks under the bed and in his school bag. I confronted him gently but he lied, and keeps lying. I've said I know it's hard for him (he was diagnosed aged 10 or 11, and is now 13) and that I'm prepared to buy whatever gluten free alternatives he likes. But he must be truthful with me.

I don't know where to go from here, as he just won't admit it even though the evidence is right there. How can I make him understand that this is not ok? How do I ensure he won't carry on buying these things after school? This morning I took his money away. Hes' going to want to fight me every morning for it.

A lot of the replies have been helpful, including @BCBird to involve him in food prep, which he is interested in so I will try that. But other posts seem to be escalating it into an attack on my parenting. I didn't make him swear on anything, he did that himself. Lying is not acceptable in our house, full stop. I don't lie to him and I don't expect him to lie to me. I can support him through any mistake or cave in, but I can only do that if I know about it.

Anyway, I got him the tesco gf kitkat, treated him to a massive lunch at a restaurant of his choice yesterday, and today we will bake. He is a big eater, hence my greedy comment. A lighthearted observation, not a criticism.

Seriously he is a teenager. He lies. You saying it isn't acceptable won't change it. Teens lie as a reflex, it is part of the growing up process and moving away from you.

If you are too intense on this he will just learn to lie better.

@AllHisCaterpillarFriends and I never said I know how he feels, so I don't know where you got that from.

The situation is not intense. It was a flare up that has long since calmed down. If 'all teens lie' is a fact, so is 'all families row.' The important thing is to be able to reflect afterwards on what could be done differently. Hence my asking others for advice, which for the most part has been helpful.

I have given you good advice about treat foods he can pick off the shelf and safely eat when his mates are having things like Kitkats. I never said you should leave him to crack on eating gluten. I said you should pick your battles and not get into rows, which I feel is good advice. I don’t appreciate the way you have spoken to me when I came on this thread to help.

Saying 'it's his body' comes across like it's not my business unless he's shoplifting or taking drugs. I found that rude. And no one has a 'right to lie.' Honesty and integrity are important character traits and that is what I am teaching him.

It is his body, you can’t deny that surely?

Respecting other people's bodily autonomy is also an important character trait.

Your approach risks pushing him towards lying, if you were more understanding and involved him more, the need to lie would be less.

Ultimately it is his body, you seem to find this hard to deal with. It is best to work with him, not imposing your view onto him. He's dealing with a lifelong diagnosis and needs support, not anger.

@verycloakanddaggers That's a lot of baseless assumptions I can't even be bothered to address.

Thank you to the posters who have shown empathy and shared useful tips. As I said, we've had little to no support RL, so I felt heartened after the first few posts and will try to ignore the judgy later ones. DS and I have enjoyed a peaceful Sunday eating hamburgers and ice cream 😋

I think it would be a good idea to reach out to organisation's/charities who can support you and your DS as you both seem to be struggling with it all.

As you know the consequences of not sticking to GF are very serious, but teenage boys & girls are hard wired to be moving away from their parents, pushing boundaries, taking risks and peer influences.

Getting some RL support sounds like it would be invaluable for you both. The NHS is often rubbish at that bit, and I think it would be a good idea for your DS to connect with kids his age who are also living with this life long condition where they will be constantly having to eat and drink differently to those around them. Being othered is very physiologically distressing, I think particularly when you are young, kids mostly want to follow the herd and not be different or feel vulnerable for that difference. Obviously as an adult he'll have to continue to make these 'correct' choices several times a day, and if you can support him and be an ally while he is young and living under your roof I think that will be more useful for his self esteem, confidence and resilience than laying down the law and shaming him.
I know you're rightly upset, but you have to regulate your emotion's and be the one to support him, not make unreasonable demands that he must behave perfectly around his food consumption and that he is greedy for wanting a bit of junk food.
I think working together (with the rest of your household and any support you can get) will hopefully encourage him to be empowered into making better choices, removing the conflict and the temptation to use food as an area for him to rebel against you.

Great post .
CD is forever and I am dreading when the realisation sets in for my granddaughter when she reaches the tricky teenage years.
Aged 5 she thinks it’s a novelty ,having own special cupboard ,she is special etc etc .
OP you really need to show more empathy towards your son and imagine if you were suddenly put on a life long diet restricting all your favourite foods !