Coeliac child lying about food

[BrassyLocks]

DS has been hiding and eating food not suitable for coeliacs. Meanwhile I'm spending a fortune on gluten free food, taking him to medical appointments, letting him miss important stuff because he has unexplained stomachaches. When all the while he's been hiding snacks under the bed and in his school bag. I confronted him gently but he lied, and keeps lying. I've said I know it's hard for him (he was diagnosed aged 10 or 11, and is now 13) and that I'm prepared to buy whatever gluten free alternatives he likes. But he must be truthful with me.

I don't know where to go from here, as he just won't admit it even though the evidence is right there. How can I make him understand that this is not ok? How do I ensure he won't carry on buying these things after school? This morning I took his money away. Hes' going to want to fight me every morning for it.

Don't punish him please
I would really gently back off - he's obviously struggling to process his diagnosis and how restrictive he finds things - don't make it worse !!

I would just wrap him in surrounding support - gluten free Kit Kat equivalents, Oreo ones too if he's missing that - and have lots in the house for choice

It's an absolute pain as buying things on the go is so much more difficult

When he's ready to chat then be there for him - 13 is a tough age and I would totally back off and when it's a good time a gentle
Supportive conversation but he needs to be ready to accept and listen (and not told)

My son has severe allergies - ages 13/14 he decided to not carry his EpiPen / inhalers - I found out by accident - hit the roof etc so I do get how tough this is - but they need to feel able to manage their allergies themselves and want to do - we had the support of an amazing allergy paediatric nurse and it might be worth seeing if there is an equivalent you can access or through a relevant charity

I feel for you - x

I'm coeliac I hate the GF sweet snack alternatives and they cost a bomb. So I'f I'm desperate for a snack when out and about I usually buy a Snickers, or Galaxy Minstrels, they are lots of regular sweets that are GF help him figure out which ones they are.

There's several bread brands available in supermarkets, i didn't even realise they were giving food on prescription anywhere now it's widely available (it was on the he list of prescriptions my health trust won't fund)

It is very common at this age for children with chronic illnesses such as diabetes/coeliac/cystic fibrosis to push back against the illness or reject treatment.

It's a form of grief and anger at not having a normal life like their friends, at becoming more aware that they are different to others and that their life will be limited by their illness.

That's a lot to cope with and sometimes it takes time to process. In the end he will have to take on the responsibility for his coeliac's disease and this will involve him making his own choices, which sometimes will lead to unpleasant outcomes for him.

It is time to start to hand over the reins of his illness to him and if he has competence, which is likely as he's had it for a few years then he gets to make decisions, good and bad.

I've discovered he's not actually buying them, it's opportunistic. Someone sharing out their snacks, a teacher bringing them for the sport team, etc. The school always provides him with a GF alternative. He's never left out. At parties when pizza is ordered he gets a whole GF one to himself. So there's no reason for him to suddenly decide to eat this stuff. I think I'll double the quantity of snacks I give him to take to school. I agree with others, there's no need to buy GF chocolates. For a bit of fibre though I get the Deluxe bars https://www.lidl.co.uk/p/deluxe-fruit-nut-bar-assorted/p6219 when they have them. So annoying the Lidl Snaktastik has switched from potato to wheat starch.

I guess I should be grateful we can get bread and flour on prescription, even if it does get monotonous. Seems unfair that not every trust provides it.

When he was diagnosed he was visibly close to tears but the doctor was so matter of fact which upset me and is the reason I transferred to the other hospital which has an excellent rep for childhood allergies and intolerances. So to have had just one phone call all this time which I pushed for feels rubbish. Anyhow, I'm optimistic moving forward.

It's so hard. dd is coeliac and was diagnosed when she was 16yo. I've never had this issue with her but she is very symptomatic if accidently has gluten so she was never going to not comply.

If he's only doing it occasionally he may find his symptoms gradually start getting worse so he may start to want to avoid stuff more. I guess if stuff is being offered around he probably doesn't want to be different, doesn't want to make a fuss. It's hard at that age, just want to fit in with your mates.

Does he know about the longer term risk of cancer, etc? Someone else I know who is an adult coeliac still eats gluten all the time because she can't bare not to eat nice cakes!!!! She knows all the risks. Was seeing a gastro due to awful stomach issues but still carried on eating bread and cake. I did tell her. She's now just been diagnosed with crohns as well and I do wonder if she hadn't continued to damage her digestive system maybe this wouldn't have happened!

If it is things that mates are sharing, then it’s going to be hard for him to say no and be the odd one out or draw attention to himself. He may have the best mates in the world but there will always be some banter between boys of that age,. Other not so close peers will pick up on it and perhaps turn it into more unfriendly banter. It is not surprising he is trying to minimise his condition.
Similarly, if a teacher is bringing in treats it is going to be awkward for your son if he is singled out as having to have a special gf treat rather than joining in with the team. Although the teacher, who might not know, could be asked to bring in commonly available but gf treats. Could you have a chat and suggest a list of suitable treats?

Unfortunately, peer pressure is going to be a big factor at this age and in the heat of the moment he will make bad choices.

I’m like this. I feel so sick in the bread aisle, yesterday I had to cover my nose with my scarf.

i feel sorry for him, op. But I also agree that while staying calm, a little tough love might work. Tell him how much he’s damaging himself.

Also agree that he should see a consultant and dietician.

Coeliac uk have an app to scan food, but if he is out with mates he won't want to do anything that singles him out. Maybe spend some time going through what "normal" options he can have? Eg in a tub of celebrations, galaxy are fine. Creme eggs are fine.

Mine have all gone through stages where they don't want to be different. I would also get on to school to ask them to remind staff - my DD hated that teachers would use food as a reward but would.often give her stuff she couldn't have and she was too embarrassed to remind them so would just take it anyway. I had to be really clear with school that the psychological damage of this was not acceptable and staff had to find options that worked. They can - a tub of roses or quality street works much better than celebrations!

Building self-esteem and confidence is also really important. Being able to say no to friends is really hard as a teen. Peer pressure is huge. Do his friends know he is coeliac? Maybe work on no thanks / I'm not hungry / maybe later responses with him? It sounds like he doesn't actually want to eat this stuff, he just doesn't want to say no....

And get on to the paed team. He should have regular appointments with dietician / consultant and yearly blood to check ttg levels and nutrients such as iron / calcium.

As an ex scout leader who’s come across lots of kids with allergies. Work with him, don’t make it a punishment thing.

It’s the lifestyle situation that’s tough. He wants to join in and share, so work together on ways to make that work. Be it that between you you keep his bag stocked with suitable swaps, when relevant stuff he can share out with others, go to the local shop sometime and work out everything that’s suitable and ‘normal’ teen purchases. Same for the school canteen. It’s easier to get the curry option than wait for the rubbish looking gf sandwich to be dug out.

Please don't look at it as 'trust has been broken' that just isn't fair on your son.

Have you ever been on a diet and then cheated and had a chocolate bar- would you think you had broken the trust of someone you loved, or just made a bad decision.

Whilst a diet and allergy is obviously different, both require the same response, discipline and will power. Will power doesn't just appear because you are allergic to something. Especially if the reaction isn't extreme or immediate.

Having safe normal food I think is a better way for him to manage it. A friend's lad refuses to eat GF food, but will choose naturally GF options.

Agree you need to be making available naturally GF snacks so he doesn't feel different. Things like teachers giving out treats I'd talk to his form tutor and say 'he doesn't want to be different so he's a list of normal treat food that is naturally GF so could you go down that route rather than going for biscuits or cake so he doesn't feel different'. Friends are harder but maybe help him find things that his friends will like that are GF. There's lots of crisps, chocolates and sweets that are perfect for him and maybe if he's getting out something to eat that the other kids would also like to eat then they would naturally start chosing options that are suitable for him (I have teenage DDs and they all accomodate each others food allergies/intolerances/ veganism though).

@AllHisCaterpillarFriends the broken trust is not because he ate the kitkat but because he swore on all we hold sacred that he didn't eat it. I tried to be supportive saying 'I know it's hard' but he kept lying so it escalated. It's calm again now though.

If they'd all sat around muching kitkats together I'd maybe have understood. But he brought it home and hid it, so I don't think it's a wanting to fit in thing. I think it's a greed thing 😂

It’s his body not yours. He has every right to lie to you, it’s not like he’s shoplifting or taking illegal drugs. Pick your battles in future and try not to let conversations like this escalate.

Silly me. I'll just leave him to crack on with seriously damaging his health and wellbeing. So long as hes not taking drugs its all good 😂

Be careful though because if you escalate things you will potentially alienate him, entrench the behaviour and teach him he needs to lie better.

I understand why this is important, but you've got to keep your eyes on the overall picture and help him navigate this. Someone offered him a KitKat, he presumably didn't want to have to decline because of a health condition he doesn't fully understand. He hasn't done something unusual for his age.

It is very possible this is a 'wanting to be like everyone else and not have to worry about what I eat' thing. Dismissing it as greed is not supportive.

There is age-appropriate support out there. https://www.coeliac.org.uk/information-and-support/living-gluten-free/kids-teens-and-young-adults/

He's never left out. At parties when pizza is ordered he gets a whole GF one to himself. So there's no reason for him to suddenly decide to eat this stuff. He is left out, he has to do things differently. There is a very obvious reason for him to decide to eat this stuff - he doesn't want to be coeliac, he wants to be like his peers. This is quite a common reaction to a diagnosis.

Whilst I understand your annoyance that trust has been broken it's probably very hard for him.to accept. He will not want to be different. Marks and Spencer bread-the big slices are tasty.

Could u inbolve him.in food preparation at home? Tesco do some bars similar to kit kat that are nice

Lidl is your friend for GF crap that teenagers like, have you joined Coeliac Uk ? They send an up to date book with all GF food in every supermarket.
Warburtons tiger bread is really good.
My granddaughter is Coeliac aged 4 so the household are all GF. Has your son been given a simple to read book about Coeliac for teenagers ?
My granddaughter is dietician led to manage the disease . The gastroenterologist was only involved for diagnosis.
Good luck ,teenagers do tend to rebel against dietary restrictions ie diabetics quite often self sabotage at this age .

I am glad some other posters have picked it up because I thought your reply was awful.

You are seriously risking his health and wellbeing by your attitude, which is obviously driven by love and care but isn't coming across as such.

You shouldn't be making him swear on anything, you also don't know how he feels, that is one of the most patronising things to say.

No I don't think it is 'greed 😂 ' and I don't think any of this is funny.

You need to support to help him, using shame and threats and escalation will only drive him away.

I think you are being too harsh on him with the broken trust/anger and you should instead take time to understand how low he must be feeling. I have NCGS so while my condition is nowhere near as serious as your son’s is does mean I have to stick to GF food. Do you know how shit GF food is? It’s dire. Texture, taste - even the best GF food is the worst when compared to usual food. I endlessly crave the taste of decent bread and biscuits and yes, occasionally I cave and will eat something I shouldn’t. I am 52. I cannot imagine how hard it is for a 14-year-old to deal with, when all his mates are scoffing what they want. He KNOWS he’s risking his health and as he grows up I have no doubt he’ll take it more seriously. But in the meantime stop making it about your feelings - i.e your anger, your distress at him not doing what you want him to do - and focus on trying to understand how bloody difficult it is for him right now.

OP have you eaten the GF alternatives? I find most of them totally revolting. Your poor son not only had to deal with being different at a difficult age, but also having to eat horrible alternatives.
I don't eat any breads now, which makes lunches tricky. Biscuits are largely out as well (GF hobnobs and Tescos GF orange sandwich biscuits are ok). Pasta is very hit or miss.
Your DS needs support, not a row about lying.

We adults all take risks with our health for an immediate reward - who hasn’t had too many drinks knowing they’ll have a raging hangover the next day?
A teenager’s perception of future harms based on present actions are not great at the best of times but particularly when there is peer pressure involved. And I don’t mean overt bullying; he’s at the age where the approval of his peers and fitting in is becoming far more important than his parents’ influence.

It’s a difficult situation and it is unfortunate that a serious health issue that needs daily lifestyle management has come at the same time as puberty and the wish for independence.