Mother not setting boundaries

[StepMother009]

My partner’s child lives with his mother and comes to us 3 days a week. He is 5 and getting a very unhealthy diet and socialisation at her house. Constant sweets, Prime drinks, energy drinks, beige food. He has no boundaries and gets whatever he wants, when he wants. At our house we are trying to set boundaries and teach manners, but we are constantly battling with the behaviour she allows him to exhibit. The child thinks his Mum’s house is better because he can behave in a feral manner and my partner often has to give into his demands. There is no use speaking to his ex as he has told her not to give him so much junk and to stop buying him presents everyday, but this is how she shows her love to the child.
What do we do?

Sure by the age of 5 he is used to different houses have different rules or has DH not always set boundaries?

You do absolutely nothing. You leave this to your partner, the little boys dad to deal with. You can set boundaries in your own home obviously, but in regards to trying to find a balance with mum and co- parent in a healthy way that’s on your partner. It’s hard and you have my sympathy.

How do you know she’s giving him sweets/prime everyday? Is this what the five year old is saying?

A lot of kids say they have no bedtime/don’t eat vegetables/allowed to watch unlimited TV when their parents aren’t around in an attempt to get what they want.

Has your partner taken his son to the dentist? If she’s not listening to your partner and she is doing these things then it’s abuse/neglect. A dentist could be the start of a paper trail that you’re looking for.

Would your partner want full custody?

He has spoken to her over and over, but she won’t stop. He would love full custody, but she has had another child with another man and the child loves his sister. My partner feels it would be evil to separate them.

Your partner needs to concentrate on what happens in your house and keep to his parenting approach. Your partner doesn't need to give in to the demands of his child just because the child may or may not get away with it at his mother's house. A consistent approach with boundaries in one household will help regardless of what happens elsewhere.

When child is at our house the mother video calls and shows the goodies she has waiting for him at home. We know it’s so the child can’t wait to go home and she feels like she has won the child affection.
He doesn’t have a dentist as the mother won’t let us register him with one, she says she will do it, but never does. It has been bought up by GP that child is overweight.

Your partner can just register him with a dentist, he doesn't need permission as he has parental responsibility (assuming he's on the child's birth certificate as the father). If your partner is worried about the child's weight, then he can increase activity levels and provide healthy food when he's with your partner.

His dad has every right to take him to the dentist and GP.

Does his Dad video call him when at Mum's house? You could limit Mum FaceTiming so long as he then respects it will work both ways.

At 5 he can get different rules and different places. Resist the temptation to be overly strict on beige food and manners to try and compensate however I wouldn't be giving in to tantrums.

I will push him to sort out dentist. We do give him healthier food, but he is very limited in what he will eat. He’s quite active at our house. We try our best.

Yes, the father contacts his son everyday when he is not with him, facetime on the mother’s phone. She only does when she has treats to show him.
He does eat beige food at ours, otherwise he wouldn’t eat! But we try to get him eating a more balanced diet and less treats too. He wants sweets and fizzy drinks up until bedtime and my partner has to give in as the child thinks treats and gifts = love and that mummy loves him more as she allows him to do anything & everything. This devastates my partner.

"He wants sweets and fizzy drinks up until bedtime and my partner has to give in as the child thinks treats and gifts = love and that mummy loves him more as she allows him to do anything & everything. This devastates my partner."

He really really doesn't have to give in. He knows, as the adult, that love sometimes means a parent acting as parent and setting boundaries. The child will benefit from clear and consistent boundaries, even if he is cross or angry about them in the short term. Your partner really needs to learn to say "no" without getting stressed that his child won't love him.