ASD- how do I calm my daughter in a meltdown?

[Helpmeout124]

My daughter is almost 4 and is having increasingly more meltdowns at the moment. I don't know how to calm her down. She throws herself on the floor, screams, bangs her head and slaps herself and I just don't know what to do. My current approach is to just sit with her, try and prevent her from hurting herself and saying it's ok. Over and over again. She dosnt have a lot of understanding but she understands your ok. And will often say ok back. But I'm kind of at a loss and in the moment I think to myself there's got to be a better way of handling this that I just don't know yet.

That wouldn’t work for my ASD daughter as she needed to be left alone and any interaction just prolonged things or made it worse - or once she was older and witnessed by someone (eg happened outside school) she would feel under pressure to stop and then the emotions wouldn’t be released so it would be worse later on that day.

What support do you have? It’s difficult, I know.

Does she like curling up under a blanket? Mine would hide under one and that seemed to make her feel more secure/safe and sometimes she would just fall asleep under it.

How to help depends on what helps her.

Some children will respond and be comforted by deep pressure and a hug but for some children with autism this is physically painful. It'll cause a bigger flight reaction and the self harm will increase.

Some children respond well to having a calm space they can go to. So a dark tent with bean bags, lights etc. they may not like lights.

It's very trial and error but if you can see an OT they should be able to assess and advise what her sensory profile is and give you an idea of what may work.

Outside of this does she use visuals and schedules? Now and next. A lot of it is find g out how to prevent the meltdowns in the first place.

It's not easy but you will find what works for her.

It’s a case of finding what works for her. Talking to my son at all when he is at that point makes things worse.

if he is safe then leaving him alone (passing him a blanket and some sensory bits to hand) is best. Sometimes he wants deep pressure from a hug but he makes it clear if he doesn’t want that.

as you have acknowledged the key is making sure they are safe, but while reducing other factors that will be counterproductive as much as possible

Hi OP, do you have services involved? My child is best left alone when in full meltdown. She is quite a bit older than your thought and was a real danger to her and us. The LD team helped us get a SafeSpace through a disabled facilities grant. https://safespaces.co.uk/safespace/
This may not be an option for you at the moment but you could create something similar and safe using padding and mats.

Would she like a weighed blanket perhaps?

Once she's in the meltdown, other than being with her and making sure she doesn't hurt herself there's often not a lot you can do to stop it. It will pass. Focus on prevention. Keep a diary of things that tend to trigger the meltdowns and look up information about ways to reduce these. Often it's about increasing predictability with visuals.

Watch for the signs before a full meltdown starts

For my daughter she wants to be fed, given a drink, then left alone in dark room with her N/C headphones, her weighted blanket for an hour or two with Spotify to listen to the same music on repeat she's a teen and says she just needs everything to stop

For a little one I'd do the same, close the curtains or move into the shade if outside, not talk AT all she can't hear you anyway, not touch her basically remove as much sensory input as possible, and then add in the sensory input she needs for my daughter that's weight and music.

You can also set up stations in each room and a bag for out and about with cheap lining paper to rip, bubble wrap to pop, sensory tent (or just a dark sheet over the table,some light up toys etc and practise using when calm so she knows what to do when overwhelmed.

Personally although screens help ND children regulate I'd avoid using them and finding another method such as music as it can become very addictive and a issue later on

At the moment she wants to always wear a hat of any kind she can find. And big shoes, she's got 2 pairs of novelty slippers so it's usually those, sometimes her brothers slippers but today she wanted to wear her 9yo brothers trainers, and I had to take them off her to go to nursery. She was sat on the breakfast bar stool and I went to her and said it's nursery time now, we need to leave brothers shoes for later. And she threw her head back and I put my hand in the way so my hand got caught between her head and the breakfast bar. Then she started screaming and threw herself on the floor. And she sort of walks her legs while on the floor so her body does a 360

she was calm 10 minutes later and she was saying " let's go. " and "into the night to save the day" on the way to nursery. Just in the moment it feels impossible to get it right and I just feel like I'm doing it all wrong.

she has portage but they don't come to the house anymore that's all through nursery. In terms of support for me, I don't really have any at the moment. I'm doing an intensive interaction workshop but that's it

Ok so it sounds like she struggles with transitions so you can work on that.

Removing the shoes and going to nursery are two transitions so next time, if possible remove the shoes and put her ones on whilst having breakfast, then go to nursery as a separate activity

Or perhaps in case it's the demands placed upon her make removing the shoes part of a game.

Can you get off the stool making a .... sound?
Can you get to your shoes in ... steps/ walk like a crab.
Can you lay on the floor with your legs in the air like a .... Whilst I put your shoes on.

On the way to nursery make it a game... How many red door can you see?

We had a space in our house where we had padded playmat flooring and I'd carry my dd to that area then stand back and within reason let her melt down. We then progressed to a weighted blanket that I'd drape over her. That was very effective. I found any verbal interaction from me prolonged things so I just sat with her. As a teen she still uses the weighted blanket but also her music headphones with her music quite loud. It gets easier x

Also look into barefoot shoes we haven't used them but I believe they are wider and will feel bigger to her incase it's a sensory issue.

You're not doing it wrong.

It's just she doesn't have the skills yet to process the information and knows what she has to do but can't control her emotions around actually doing it.

Perhaps a schedule, and even a timer. So in 5 minutes it's change shoes. She'll get use to it if the routine stays the same.