Son gets sick whenever husband goes away

Norrisville · 2023-10-04T08:10:40+00:00

Hello all, any thoughts much appreciated. My husband's work means he goes away every now and again, usually for 3 or 4 days training or consulting on other projects. Without fail, every time he goes away, our 11 year old son gets sick. My initial thought was that it was psychosomatic, that maybe he thinks I'm a 'soft touch' and he can stay home from school 😏 But he's always truly poorly, gets a temperature spike, is sick, and always recovers when his dad returns from his work trip. I wonder if anyone has experienced anything like this? I'm wondering if he worries when his dad is away, that he needs to be the 'man of the house' and there is a cortisol spike or something that triggers his immune system? We're a close family and we talk about everything. He doesn't show any other signs of any emotional distress - he's generally a happy kid, has great friends and good relationships within our family. I've tried looking up this pattern but I'm struggling to find anything. Any advice gratefully received!

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SapphosRock · 04/10/2023 09:14

I've had a similar experience with my DC, they reliably get sick at Christmas, at the beginning of holidays, when I'm on my own with them or when I have an important work deadline. I believe the scientific term for this is 'sod's law'.

Puddlelane123 · 04/10/2023 09:15

Agree it is likely sods law, but could you try not telling your son in advance next time that your DH is going away?

Original poster

Norrisville · 04/10/2023 09:19

😂 Yep Sod's Law sounds right 😊 We've tried different techniques, sometimes telling him in advance that his dad will be away, sometimes just telling him the day he goes. His body doesn't seem to care, it kicks into poorly mode regardless. Have told the husband we need to have a proper talk about it this weekend because it means I can't do anything when he's away, all my work, dog walking etc. gets thrown out of the window 🙄

OP posts:

Mandarina4 · 04/10/2023 10:40

When I was 13,14 years old my father started traveling for work. My mother has always been a very anxious person, terrified of everything and very insecure so whenever we were alone with her at home I got sick. I got light temperature, stomach issues, headaches, etc... Doctors couldn't find a reason for that. I remember there was a psychiatrist in ER one time when I was admitted because of a weird arrhythmia, we chatted and she told my mum that I felt insecure without my father at home and my body reacted to it (high stress, weakened immune system). It was just a phase and it resolved by itself.
Now as an adult, when I'm in extreme situations of stress I always get flu like symptoms.

Original poster

Norrisville · 04/10/2023 12:17

Mandarina4 · 04/10/2023 10:40

When I was 13,14 years old my father started traveling for work. My mother has always been a very anxious person, terrified of everything and very insecure so whenever we were alone with her at home I got sick. I got light temperature, stomach issues, headaches, etc... Doctors couldn't find a reason for that. I remember there was a psychiatrist in ER one time when I was admitted because of a weird arrhythmia, we chatted and she told my mum that I felt insecure without my father at home and my body reacted to it (high stress, weakened immune system). It was just a phase and it resolved by itself.
Now as an adult, when I'm in extreme situations of stress I always get flu like symptoms.

So sorry you experienced that. I did assume it's some kind of stress reaction to his dad going away. I guess we need to keep talking to him, see if we can get to the bottom of his worries X

OP posts:

Mandarina4 · 04/10/2023 12:28

Norrisville · 04/10/2023 12:17

So sorry you experienced that. I did assume it's some kind of stress reaction to his dad going away. I guess we need to keep talking to him, see if we can get to the bottom of his worries X

Show quote history

I'm sure there is nothing wrong with him and it's just stress, yes. In my case my dad was the one "in charge", meaning he was the one reacting to emergencies, problems, always calm... it doesn't mean my mom wasn't capable of taking care of us, she did, but she reacted in a way she made me feel insecure.
I spoke to my dad about that, I remember our conversation even if it's been decades. We agreed he would call more often to check on me and that if anything happened he would make sure things are taken care of. It reassured me. Talking is important.

Seaweed42 · 04/10/2023 17:12

Interesting.
Do you go out to work yourself or are you at home during the day?
Do you tend to rely on your DH for a lot of things?
Are you totally fine with DH going away?
Do you tend to worry a lot about your son's health when your DH isn't there?

I suspect this may be to with your son thinking that you are not safe when DH isn't there and he needs to stay home from school to 'control' your safety.

Therefore he's proximity seeking when your DH isn't there.

Like a form of separation anxiety because at the root of that is the child thinks they need to be able to be in the presence of the parent to control their safety.

It's funny you suggest he might think he may have to be the man of the house - where on earth would he get that idea from?

Does your DH say things like 'look after Mum now when I'm away won't you?'

TotalOverhaul · 04/10/2023 17:30

What would happen if you organised for him to have a friend to sleepover or for him to have a sleepover with a friend while his dad is away. Would that distract him?

What would happen if you took a very no-nonsense approach to his illness, saying, 'Oh yes, you always get this when dad's away. Here's some Gaviscon to settle your stomach and Calpol to lower your temperature, now get dressed as we are taking the dog for a walk. You'll be fine.'

Or if you said, Dad's away this week on training. You often get sick when he's gone. Would it help if you chose what we eat until he gets back onTuesday, because you know best what settles your stomach.'

Also get your DH to WhatsApp him a few times a day

Tiredandbored · 04/10/2023 17:32

Would it be worth planning a special treat for you and him to enjoy when your husband is away? Something he'll really look forward to that can be a special experience for the two of you?

AnySoln · 04/10/2023 17:36

Maybe fpod allergy if you cook something different

Original poster

Norrisville · 06/10/2023 11:39

Seaweed42 · 04/10/2023 17:12

Interesting.
Do you go out to work yourself or are you at home during the day?
Do you tend to rely on your DH for a lot of things?
Are you totally fine with DH going away?
Do you tend to worry a lot about your son's health when your DH isn't there?

I suspect this may be to with your son thinking that you are not safe when DH isn't there and he needs to stay home from school to 'control' your safety.

Therefore he's proximity seeking when your DH isn't there.

Like a form of separation anxiety because at the root of that is the child thinks they need to be able to be in the presence of the parent to control their safety.

It's funny you suggest he might think he may have to be the man of the house - where on earth would he get that idea from?

Does your DH say things like 'look after Mum now when I'm away won't you?'

Sorry for the late replies! I do work, although I'm freelance and work from home, so I'm the primary carer. DH and I kind of rely on each other, we know our strengths so we split responsibility really.

I don't mind him going away - it's not very frequent and the only downside is that our son gets sick and all routine goes out of the window ;) I don't worry about him (our son) because he's pretty robust... until DH goes away!

But I completely agree - I've suspected that he thinks I need 'protecting', although it's always an illness that is accompanied by a very real temperature spike and inability to function, so he wouldn't be able to do much protecting ;) However, as I suspect it's psychosomatic the logic part doesn't apply anyway...

The only thing DH says is 'Be good for mummy when I'm not here' which I guess he could interpret as a trigger. I think we need to have a proper chat with him, nice and gentle just to see if we can get to the root of his fears :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Norrisville · 06/10/2023 11:42

TotalOverhaul · 04/10/2023 17:30

What would happen if you organised for him to have a friend to sleepover or for him to have a sleepover with a friend while his dad is away. Would that distract him?

What would happen if you took a very no-nonsense approach to his illness, saying, 'Oh yes, you always get this when dad's away. Here's some Gaviscon to settle your stomach and Calpol to lower your temperature, now get dressed as we are taking the dog for a walk. You'll be fine.'

Or if you said, Dad's away this week on training. You often get sick when he's gone. Would it help if you chose what we eat until he gets back onTuesday, because you know best what settles your stomach.'

Also get your DH to WhatsApp him a few times a day

Sleepovers are tricky during the week because of school, and that's when DH is away, but I agree that creating a more robust sense of 'this is the situation, this is what we do, this is how we do it' would likely give him more of a sense that I am 'in control' of the situation and he doesn't need to worry. I like the idea of meal planning for the week - as well as a good structure, it will give him agency in the whole thing.

And I absolutely agree about the WhatsApp thing - he's at an age where I think he needs to speak to his dad daily and it often doesn't happen. I'll mention it to DH when he gets home later.

OP posts:

Original poster

Norrisville · 06/10/2023 11:43

Tiredandbored · 04/10/2023 17:32

Would it be worth planning a special treat for you and him to enjoy when your husband is away? Something he'll really look forward to that can be a special experience for the two of you?

I really like this idea. I'm going to think about what we can plan for when he's away!

OP posts:

Original poster

Norrisville · 06/10/2023 11:43

AnySoln · 04/10/2023 17:36

Maybe fpod allergy if you cook something different

Nice idea, but he has a very limited palate, so there isn't really any variation!

OP posts:

Seaweed42 · 06/10/2023 12:21

I guess your DH could stop saying 'Be good for Mum when I'm away'
Especially if your son is no trouble anyway.
Instead he can say 'have a great week' or some such.
Maybe your son is fearful he'll suddenly start being 'bad' when DH isn't there to make it the other way!

Or maybe it isn't that at all...

If DS got a limited palate and is very taste sensitive then maybe he cannot tolerate change in the way another kid might. Just the way he is.
When DH goes away, that's a change he finds tricky.

However, he will grow out of that in time.

So another way to look at it is just accept it, find workarounds that get you through and move on with your lives without ascribing blame to anyone.

AnySoln · 06/10/2023 14:28

Could also be uti if sits still more or drinks less/
different

Tearose369 · 04/07/2025 09:36

My Grandson gets sick when we go on holiday; school trips and now his Mum is away for a few days. Always been the same since a baby and now 13 years old. Doesn’t show any signs of anxiety except being sick. Is it a sensitive nervous system?

LegoInfestation · 04/07/2025 11:36

I would try creating some new positive routines for when Dad is away, sort of taking the opportunity for 1-to-1 quality time just you and DS

For example, something slightly different every evening like:

a film night
a walk (being out in nature is such a powerful way of calming an anxious nervous mind)
Cook together
Play a board game
Go out for dinner

Just something so there's a tangible activity to focus on rather than Dad being away.

I agree it's not helpful for Dad to be saying 'be good for mum'. Much better would be 'You two have fun while I'm away!'

I'm a single mum but if I'm going to leave DD overnight she does worry a little even if being left with someone she's very close to. Equally, if we have just had a week away with friends or family she then feels a little insecure while she adjusts to it just being her and I. It's no reflection on you, it's just the change of dynamic.

OtterMummy2024 · 04/07/2025 14:31

Tearose369 · 04/07/2025 09:36

My Grandson gets sick when we go on holiday; school trips and now his Mum is away for a few days. Always been the same since a baby and now 13 years old. Doesn’t show any signs of anxiety except being sick. Is it a sensitive nervous system?

I wonder if both you and OP have kiddies who suffer with this, and the stress/anxiety and even excitement are the trigger?

www.nhs.uk/conditions/cyclical-vomiting-syndrome/