How to stop MIL over-feeding DC

[JavanDawns]

Our DC is due in summer and I am already concerned about MIL's tendency as a feeder. She'll make a brilliant nan and we get along really well, I've just noticed over the years that she expresses her love and care for people through baking large quantities of sugary puddings and encouraging them to over eat in an unhealthy way.

She acknowledges herself she could lose a bit of weight, her 2 cats are obese and her husband is also overweight and she over fed my husband when he was growing up so he was always over weight as a child/teen.

For example, her husband is borderline diabetic and medically obese but she keeps baking him batches of 20+ sugar free muffins every week. She also baked 2 huge puddings for Easter Sunday for 6 of us and looked disappointed when people only wanted one. This was on top of Easter eggs and a mountain of roast dinner.

I'm a foodie and love my food and treats as much as the next person, but tend to have smaller portions and balance with lots of activity to keep a healthy weight. I'm really concerned that she doesn't recognise her feeding habits and enjoyment of baking is actually creating an unhealthy culture around food and I'm worried that she'll do the same with our DC. I'm particularly I'm concerned if/when she's babysitting it will be very sugary food focused and not healthy for them.

Has anyone else encountered this with in laws? I'd appreciate some ideas on how to tackle it so our child doesn't have a negative relationship with food, aside from a full sugar/sweets/chocolate ban..

My mum can be like that... but its only a small part of their diet. 0lus PILs give them regular treats. I feed them healthily 90%+ of the time. So those odd days where its cake and ice cream and chocolate don't matter much in the overall scheme of things.

Your children will be absolutely fine. They will grow up with you and the times they are with their Nan won’t change the eating habits you establish for them. I’m saying this assuming you don’t live with MIL? And that you’re not expecting full time care for the children from her?

It's what grans do!
Unless the children are living there, being overfed when visiting isn't going to hurt them.

Could she be diverted into making healthy food that can be part of a main meal?

Cheese scones to have with soup / salad instead of bread? The savoury breakfast muffins I often see on healthy eating threads? Tell her you would love a quiche, and some mini quiches to put in the freezer for lunch?

Unless your Dc will be with her several days a week for childcare I don’t think Grandmas Puddings at Sunday lunch will cause a weight issue.

Your child isn't going to have a negative relationship with food because a few times a year Nanny sneaks them extra snacks when she's babysitting.

Exactly this.

So much judgement! Obese cats, obese husband, sugary puddings, mountains of roast dinner, huge puddings. Your disgust of them leaps of the page. Your DC will be fine, they will be with you 90% of the time. Try and be more tolerant, especially if you expect help with childcare.

I can see what you're saying but as above I think that it's only a small amount of time for them to be eating that way in the grand scheme of things, unless she'll be doing childcare for you and they'll be with her 5 days a week?

That's what grannies are for! It won't harm your child to have extra treats once in while with granny.

It's about balance. My mum is like this - I eat much more when we are visiting and also have lots of cakes / treats. I don't think it's a concern unless you live with her.

Your kid isn’t even born yet, you’re going to need to chill out. You can’t control every aspect of their lives down to the tiniest detail and if you obsess over their Nan giving them some cake you’re going to make yourself and them miserable.

It’s what grandparents do! They give them loads of sweeties/snacks.

I used to be so wound up about this. Then I realised that the kids loved being with them, some extra sweeties wouldn’t kill them, and that they actually regulate themselves really well.

one of my most precious moments included crying (alone, not in front of them!) because my 4 year old refused the banana I brought them and ate sweets my MIL gave them instead. I was so angry that she had dared give them sweets when I wanted them to eat fruit. After this I had a real talking to myself - what was the point in getting so wound up over something that was bringing them so much joy. My MIL enjoys treating my kids, and my kids love being spoilt by granny. It’s not the end of the world :)

Poor MILs can't do anything right on MN can they?!

Your child isn't born yet so you can set the standards early. "These are our parenting rules, little Frederica isn't allowed any sugar until she's 1 per guidelines" then just keep it up. Be very upfront about it and don't make it sound like you're singling put the MIL. Just make it part of the conversation when you're weaning the baby.

My DC had allergies and the GP know she's not allowed any food that hasn't been approved by us. I just say "we're trying to heal her gut so we're being very strict - everything is organic, no refined food, no junk food." Maybe we sound loopy but by being consistent and clear from the start they understand, and also don't take it personally. You can probably do the same thing even without allergies, especially if the kid has reflux or something which you can make a big deal out of.

I do think it's easy to say "no puddings" rather than "occasional puddings" because people understand absolutes better and are less likely to go over a red line, than try to push a grey line iyswim.

What's she doing that you consider to be so 'right' then?

Over feeding all her family so much they are all obese, expressing disappointment when they won't eat two puddings....

I'm of the opinion that every now and again having a grandma give you too much sugar isn't an issue. If it gets to the point you feel she's having a very negative effect on your DCs eating habits then you have to step in and stop it.

How often will she babysit? If not more than once a week for a couple of hours then it's unlikely to be a problem- you obsessing over it is more likely to cause food issues. Obviously if she has them regularly then you just say something to her if it becomes an issue. Treating children is something grandparents do - occasionally that's fine.

Don’t let her do full time childcare duties and it won’t be an issue.

It's what they do and it's a lovely memory and relationship for children. In our case it's usually max once a week that the DC see their grandmother obviously if it was daily it would be an issue

Once your child is at pre-school/school she can bake for the cake sales! Can you divert her into baking for every charity event going?

My mil is like this. All of my husbands family have health issues related to being overweight, my husband included. My husband doesn't want the same for our kids so at home we try to balance meals and snacks while still having treats. Its different when visiting grandparents though. I used to be really stressed about it, mostly because we visit in-laws for 2-4 weeks at a time and I felt it was too much junk all at once it I'd worry about kids going back to normal eating patterns once home.but as they have gotten a bit older I have learned to relax about it. They know that grandparents and home are different and for that small percentage of time per year we are with that them I figure it won't have an impact overall. My kids love the sweet treats but will say when they are full or will sometimes ask for fruit instead. Try not to stress about it.

Basically this. If it's only every once in a while it really doesn't matter - let her crack on.

If she ends up doing childcare several days a week then you will need to be discussing various things like weaning and nap schedules with her anyway so it'll come up.

Never move in with her and definitely don’t use her for regular childcare. The odd overindulgent Sunday lunch really isn’t an issue if they eat a balanced healthy diet the rest of the time.

At 3 meals a day, 7 days a week, your child has 21 meals a week. If the child's other 20 meals are balanced and healthy, one overindulged roast dinner on a Sunday won't do your child any harm at all.

Don't sweat the small stuff, don't make this the hill to die on.

Just don't live with her or spend every other day at their house and I'm sure your baby will be just fine. You can also do the whole "we don't feed DC sugar yet" if she tries to give them cakes etc

Have I ever had this problem? No. My mil barely sees my DCs and my own mum is dead so I don't have this issue. My granny was a bit of a feeder though. Only thought it was a problem if she then was rude about our weight, which she sometimes was. She was otherwise lovely and her food was a lot but she wasn't massive or anything and lived well into her 90s on it and wasn't unhealthy. She never drank a drop though and walked everywhere.

Don't obsess about food would be my advice.

My mum and mil both do this with the kids - no obese family members or cats though. It does annoy me a bit, but then I remember my gran giving me treats too!

The majority of the time they eat at home with me and DH, so it’s not an issue if they get some extra cake at granny’s once a week (or a few times a year with other granny)

I admit when they were babies and toddlers they both respected my wishes and gave them mostly healthy food and snacks. Now they’re primary age though that’s out the window as the kids are able to decide they’d rather have a biscuit than an apple and they know granny will say yes!