DS5 - we're all really struggling

[SigmundJähn]

NC as I don't want this linked to other posts.

I strongly suspect that DS5 is autistic and also has ADHD. DH and I are really struggling to cope at the moment as it is utterly exhausting both mentally and physically to keep one step ahead and ensure he is (and we are) safe at all times

I have got a GP appt lined up to start the diagnosis process and school is aware of some of the issues already.

Both DH and I are also ND
We have 3 older children (teens+) who did not present like this at all

If anyone can offer kind advice then I'd be most grateful to hear it.

Below in no particular order are the main issues:

Sudden aggression (mainly towards me) over seemingly tiny issues - today I was kicked and punched because I wouldn't give him my hair clip which I was wearing at the time
Kicking, punching, biting
Meltdowns which end in him curled in a little ball crying
Lack of speech / inability to communicate except through screaming
Defiance - after sustained refusals to do things he ends up running off and hiding
Won't ever apologise for anything especially hurting people
Refuses to say please or thank you
Refuses to follow instructions
Won't take "no" for an answer
Won't stop hitting, kicking etc even when not in meltdown mode even if told no or to stop
No attention span for anything
Refuses to read
Refuses to write
When colouring gets will spend some time with various colour pencils colouring in and then get a big fat pen and scribble it all out.
Obsession with a book or a film for weeks/months which then vanishes and he shows no interest in it whatsoever afterwards
Won't play with toys
Won't play with other kids
Real sensory issues about teeth brushing - screams and screams
No risk perception - also when out and about difficulty in / refusal to following instructions like in a car park to hold hands
If routine is distorted even slightly then he'll meltdown and/or get aggressive

He's had very recent eyesight and hearing checks and there are no issues there. There do not appear to be any medical issues.

I'm at my wits end and totally exhausted.

Anyone?

Sorry op sounds tough...
What have the school said? Diagnosis is usually easier with school input in my experience.

It was briefly discussed at the end of the summer term but we've not been able to really talk with school in much more detail since then. I hope they can support and provide some insight into how is at school. New teacher for Yr2 in Sept and a new routine is likely to make DS v unsettled and so prompt an increase in meltdowns. I'm dreading it really.

As a mum of a DS with Asperger's, ADHD and a whole host of other co-morbid conditions (but no medical training) I would say that it certainly sounds like your DS is on the spectrum. I know how difficult and lonely it can be but help is out there (in my experience it doesn't come knocking though - you need to seek it out). Take written notes with you to your GP so you don't forget to say anything (but be mindful of the appt time) and tell him you're not coping well (pretending otherwise for the sake of appearances will delay proceedings). Seek out support groups (local and online) and read parenting books (maybe from the library?) Local support groups are a fabulous way of finding out what other help is available in your area. HTH? X

I am a teacher and I have two with severe asd. My advice would be
Don't rely on school to get diagnosis. Schools generally have very little power to push things along. A proactive and pushy parent will do better at this. Keep the school on board though as the info they provide will help the diagnosis once you get the appointment.

Apply now for an ehcp. Again school can do it but it is easier for you to be in control of this. You can ask them for input. Ask them what difficulties he faces in the classroom and playground. Ask them what they are trying already.

Try and meet up with other parents in same boat. It can be really isolating.

Contact the new teacher and ask to meet. I think it can be great if you can get the teacher on side. I have had children with asd in my class. I will always remember one particular mum who was brilliant at supporting her son but was also great to work with as she listened. It felt like we were working together and if something went wrong in school I was able to talk to her about it without it becoming a tricky interaction. She was also able to help me understand him as an individual.

I have also been on the other side of the fence when my dd was in mainstream and the school wanted her out. The years that worked best were when I had a good relationship with the class teacher and senco. It is not always possible and you will cone across some helpful and some less helpful people but it is worth trying to have a good working relationship.

Thanks for the helpful replies. How do I go about about applying for an ECHP?

www.ipsea.org.uk/making-a-request-for-an-ehc-needs-assessment

This website is great. They have guides and model letters to use.

Thanks I'll take a look

Has the school done an early help record? Tac meetings?
How does he present in school?

My son was dx aged 5 (was delayed due to covid) he is 7 now and he is very similar to your son.

He has been re referred (14 months ago now) as the school thinks there is more to it then just ASD.

My son can be a lovely little boy, but he can be very difficult.
He switches from normal temperament to raging within seconds, he won't take accountability for anything.
He runs of constantly and his fine motor is very poor.
Also sensory, he won't drink out of anything other then a babys bottle with only one type of drink.
We have had OT,speech,school and obviously me and his dad try and get him of it but the last his dad and I did it he didn't drink for 2 days.

Have you tried visual aids? Esp if he finds it hard to communicate, it is draining I really do understand however much we love them.