Processing it After you nearly lose your child but it comes right/they turn it round

[ServantofthePeople]

So, we nearly lost ds to a life-threatening emergency.

But we didn’t.

however I’m not even close to processing it yet (waiting for scans/a week in hospital in the high dependency neuro ward, etc).

would be glad to hear from others who have come through serious illness/accident with a child about their own adjustment/recovery.

5 years since I nearly lost my daughter. We have now come to terms with what happened and how it has affected her and us as a family,
we’ve grieved for the child we had, her hopes and aspirations and adjusted to how ours and her lives have changed.
Certain things like photos that we took before she became ill are hard to look at, a particular Xmas tree at the hospital she was in will bring back those memories and the feelings of utter hopelessness that we felt.
We got a lot of help from the teams that she was under, particularly her neurodevelopment consultant and her neuro psychologist and we have a very supportive family which helped.

My advise would be to look after yourselves, ask question after question and ask for all the support that they offer you.

I hope everything goes ok for your son x

It’s hard. Watch out for delayed reactions — in yourself or in any other family members. The memory will slowly fade and it may end up seeming like it almost didn’t happen.

Thank you Hennipenny.

there was another family in neurosurgery ward who had declined the live-in accommodation offered because they didn’t want to bring back the feelings of a previous visit 5 years earlier.....sounds like what you are saying.

Thanks Pantjog.
it already feels unreal but we have to be vigilant.
plus I do feel different now - it’s been a major experience.

I nearly lost my DS age 3 weeks in early 2018. We spent weeks in PICU and HDU before being allowed home with an enormous amount of hospital appointments that followed over the next 2 years.

At the time I coped, mostly but 6 months later it all hit me like a truck, I had psychology appointments and was put on antidepressants. My behaviour changed over time in those 6 months and I was so angry, people didn't get it and I was expected to carry on as normal because he hadn't died. I struggled to sleep, I got in to fairly destructive drinking and eating habits which made things worse.
The psychology appointments and the course of ADs were the best thing to happen to me and get me through the otherwise and move onward. You don't ever forget but you can learn cope with your feelings (all valid, whichever way you feel).

DS had major emergency surgery 2 years ago. We still have monthly hospital visits for treatment and follow ups, but not at the same hospital which helps. His clinical team look after us as well as him, and that really helps. The nurse specialist are great and will just have a chat when they can.
It's little things that get me, I have to be careful what I watch on TV as anything involving sick kids will make me cry.

Good luck to you, your DS and your family.

My experience is of a baby with cancer so a bit different from yours. A major shock but there was time to get used to the new (horrible) normal.

it might be worth you getting some counselling to work through your feelings.

Yes. So far I’ve been touched by everyone’s sympathy. But at a certain point they will move on.

Hi op, sorry you have been/are going through this 💐

The hardest thing is other people move on very fast but you carry the trauma. So many details stick in your head.

I advise getting counseling and being honest with each other about how you're feeling. Nowadays, I think of it rarely and the thoughts tend to be focused on the lucky outcome these days.

This is outing so I have returned to an old username.

I have 4 kids.
I have almost lost the younger two, and coped with serious depression (and school "refusal") in the eldest.

My youngest child almost died in year 1, she was eventually saved by emergency surgery. I coped by taking up swimming. I would swim 59 lengths (a mile iirc) with goggles and earplugs and I just spent the whole time reliving what happened.

A year later when my youngest son was 10 he developed a blood disorder called ITP. He had zero (literally zero) platelets and was bleeding from mouth, nose, and into his skin. A small bump on the head could have killed him.

A year after that my oldest son developed severe depression. He used to hold his hands over his face while lying in a foetal position crying because he was a terrible person who was hideously ugly (he is neither).

About a year ago my youngest started to be ill and was finally diagnosed with a life threatening and lifelong chronic condition.

Then just a few weeks ago my youngest developed pericarditis after his second covid jab.

I developed severe health anxiety, couldn't eat or sleep, and the GP tells me I have PTSD and am now on setraline. On it, I actually cope remarkably well. It allows me to think rather than viscerally feel the waves of fear.

I find my children's health and wellbeing far far more important than my own. I do not know how I would go on without any of them. To me, parental love is the epitome of vulnerability.

Sending love to all on here xxx

Oldbirdy xxx

5 years since “the incident” with my middle child.
It was the worst day of my life…and I’ve had a very colourful past, riddled with traumatic events that most people won’t ever encounter. Nothing cuts as deep as almost losing my DS.
Honestly? I didn’t process. Not for a long time. For 2 and a half years, I was a mess. A functioning mess, but a mess all the same. I spent every waking moment in a stage of hypervigillelance, on the look out for the commonplace item that was out to kill my baby. I genuinely didn’t put him down in a public place until he was 3. Strangers coming too close terrified me. I didn’t even trust my exH (DS’s dad) to take care of him alone, meaning I didn’t have a minute “off duty” - my brain was constantly ticking over, thinking of all the things I had to do to keep him safe, and all the ways it could happen all over again. I had nightmares where I’d wake up screaming, sweating and vomiting, after which I’d sit awake next to DS’s bed for the rest of the night just to make sure the nightmare wasn’t real and he was indeed sleeping soundly in his bed, perfectly safe.
In the end, I accepted all this wasn’t normal, and I was probably harming DS’s developmental and emotional well-being in the long run, as well as my own mental health being in the toilet. I self-refered for CBT and ended up having intense trauma therapy for PTSD which completely changed my life.
I’m still aware and vigilant of all the precautions I have to take to ensure DS’s safety, but that vigilance no longer consumes my every thought.

My heart goes out to you all. The pain of seeing your child suffer, is horrific.

my youngest has a life threatening condition that sees her life in the balance regularly. I bounce from a high to a low. And in between I’m trying to stabilise my emotions, and physical and mental health. Then I’m back again, hit down!

The constant bash of pain is just numbing.

So many people say how well we cope but underneath it’s just a case of not allowing ourselves to drown.

We do what we can day to day and make the most of every moment.

Allow yourself to feel. To feel every emotion without guilt. If you feel sad, then that’s ok. It’s about processing it and not punishing yourself for ‘feeling’.

For me it was the way forward.

Think I am only processing it now really, three years later. I had nightmares for a year and no time to really think about the trauma and shock while my child was recovering.
I think it had a huge effect on my other child too.
When I think about it the “near miss” it makes me feel sick with fear still.
So take your time Op. look after yourself as well as possible. Try and rest, eat etc . You might get a delayed reaction and not get hit by it for some time. It is an enormous thing to go through.

Thank you for taking the time to reply everyone.
the worst bit was being separated from him just after the doctor’s warning that it might be “something worse”. I had to get a train and the violent “waves” started hitting.

bizarrely, I had (of all things) a Pilates session 3 days later with a quirky Japanese woman. She took my tears in her stride and spent an hour showing me how to adjust my body to a “facing it” position and to take the blows. Weirdly helpful!

Stormchaser, ringmaster