ABS

[Lorna2402]

Hi

New to MN. My daughter was born a few weeks ago full term completely healthy and perfectly fine. During the post birth checks the nurse mentioned she had a little toe. I didn’t take much notice but when she handed her to me I saw one of her toes looked like it hadn’t formed fully and was just a cute little toe. Didn’t think much of it but we were referred to a specialist just to check nothing sinister.

Saw the specialist last week and was told that it wasn’t a genetic condition but ABS. My daughter had grown all her digits fine but an amniotic band had wrapped round one toe and amputated part of it. I am now really struggling with guilt. These feelings have been escalating all week to a point where I can now barely look at my baby as I feel I damaged her and can’t imagine she will ever forgive me. I don’t think I deserve her forgiveness tbh. What kind of mum would have done this to their child :(

I am also so, so worried she will be bullied or suffer people making fun of her because she is different. Kids can be so mean and I will try to raise her to be happy and confident but what if I don’t do a good job of it?

Is there anyone here who has had a child born with a missing digit that can offer any reassurance or words of advice? Or is there anyone who has been born with a physical abnormality who can share their experience?

TIA :)

Op did you reach inside and twist the band around your baby 's foot? Clearly not.
It happened.
It was nothing you did or didnt do.
Stuff happens.
CaN she lead happy loved and healthy life with this toe? Yes!
Can you look into plastic surgety or prosthetic toe when she older? Yes! Colleague lost toes to meningitis her fake toes are lifelike and you dont know til she takes them off
Foes your bzby know any different? No
Is it csusing her problems breathing or feeding or pooing or ?? No

Love your baby lovd her toe and be kind to yourself
Most of her life no one will notice

Gosh OP, you are a few weeks after giving birth, with the best will in the world you are a bundle of hormones right now.
Also, given the current circumstances, everything feels a bit heightened. Add the hormones, tiredness, Covid and new mum guilt you are absolutely under the hammer of feeling bad.

You need to see your GP and be referred into mental health services - it’ll probably be a chat with someone over the phone. These feelings of guilt are misplaced and you need to stop them before they escalate.

You have, no doubt, grown a beautiful baby who has an interesting foot! Nothing to feel bad about at all.

My dd’s ear grew folded over in the womb and four years later is still at right angles and a bit pointy. She’s going to hate it, but I love it, because it’s her. No doubt I’ll end up paying to pin it back in a few years, but we’ll cross that bridge in due course.

Be kind to yourself.

Thanks @Isawthathaggis and @Embracelife

I’m trying to rationalise it and be kinder to myself but I think deep down I just don’t think I deserve kindness because of what I’ve done

I think it doesn’t help that this is my second after three miscarriages and my eldest was born at 29 weeks and was in NICU for three months after she was born. She is fine now but I have a loathing of my body because of everything it has done to my children (killed them, ejected them early, and now amputated a part of them) I’m trying my best to be a good mum now but I don’t feel fit to be a mother on a fundamental level.

I’ve been through the mental health services with my first as I’ve a lot of guilt and PTSD following my eldest’s birth but I didn’t find it overly helpful to be honest. Maybe I’ll try again - I’m feeling so down I haven’t got out of bed today and I think my husband is starting to lose patience with me, so I need to do something

@Isawthathaggis did you ever feel guilt about your DDs ear? I hope she loves it too and doesn’t want to get it pinned. I’m hoping I can raise my little one to not be bothered by it or want a prosthetic but I’m not confident I’m a good enough mum to instil that resilience in her.

Thank you both again for taking the time to reply x

Please go back for counselling
What does her father say?
You dont control how your body behaves it s genetics or chance or whatever
Ds has a de novo gdnetic issue . It s no one s fault

Your dd needs you to love and champion her

Look at orgamizations thatt support kids with missing limbs etc. Put things in perspective bug call them they will understzmd your feelings
www.stepsworldwide.org/

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