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Children's health

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Original poster

School Refusal

21 replies

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 17:35

My dd is 14 and in year 9,just a bit of background quickly.She has been diagnosed with asd anxiety OCD anorexia and many others though these are the most prominent.She has been bullied in primary and secondary school though she got beaten up in her old secondary and was forced to move and in my head this is where her anorexia started.Shes been at a different secondary school for 3 years now and has been bullied quite a bit at her new one aswell (pushed into main roads and had logs thrown at her on the way back from school) it has now been sorted now though and now has many friends, and is liked by everyone ,quite popular but still her lovely genuine self.

Her anxiety is at an all time high she's experienced panic attacks and fainting from anxiety for the last 5 years and it sometimes gets better and sometimes worse .

Since the start of the new term it's sky rocketed though.Last week all she did is cry have panic attacks and run away from school.Today she announced she was never going back to school (she tends to get herself into a rut so we have to take this seriously).We had the screaming the crying the lashing out the refusing to get dressed.I couldn't see it was a melt down at the time and just saw it as bad behaviour.Me and DH carried her into the car in pjs thinking that she'd calm down once we got near to school.(We where so wrong).It was at the service station that we actually realised how much of a melt down she was having. She jumped out the car and tried to run across a motorway,we luckily managed to restrain her she was still yelling and crying.Once we got to school she actually wet herself mid meltdown and just screamed and screamed.We went into school to talk to the senco to see what they wanted us to do for the rest of the week they said to try again tomorrow but I don't think that's fair on my dd or us.We have a peadiatrition appointment on Friday so we'll see what they say.

When we got home she had a bath and has now stopped talking completely she won't eat or drink (always a bad sign)she's stayed in the airing cupboard since we got home so 7 hours.Any advice at all or just a hand hold I know we shouldn't have pushed her that far but it's grammar and unless they see proof of how differcult it is they start threatening fines.

Ik I was being unreasonable but any suggestions are needed and welcome.

OP posts:

Wildorchidz · 10/06/2019 17:38

I’d try and get an emergency gp appointment. Is she safe apart from not eating or drinking?

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 10/06/2019 17:40

Oh the poor love. What are the school doing to support her?

TokyoSushi · 10/06/2019 17:45

Oh goodness OP, that sounds awful and you did what you thought was best at the time. Do you think she might need some more urgent assistance (I know you have the appointment on Friday) perhaps the GP tomorrow or is she under the care of anybody else that you could call?

It sounds really difficult for you all, sending strength your way

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 10/06/2019 17:51

Has she seen a professional? This sounds like more than one root issue and my heart is so sore for you all (something in my eye).

Original poster

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 18:14

School aren't being particularly useful atm theyre ticking lots of boxes but aren't being helpful at all i suspect that there's more going on at school than she's letting on.Shes got the option of sitting in learning support but they aren't particularly pleasent to her so she's started refusing to go .Theres a specialist asd worker their but she's so run off her feet that she doesn't have much time for dd.Shes not speaking eating or drinking and has shut herself in the airing cupboard and is refusing to come out so she must be quite dehydrated, but as soon as I try and open the door she starts crying so I don't know what to do?

OP posts:

Thesuniscoming · 10/06/2019 18:22

Oh my goodness op this sounds absolutely awful. Your poor darling dd.

If she were my dd, and I can only speak about what I would do in your place. I have a dd the same age. I would immediately deregister her from that school. They are to helping the situation one bit, and have allowed the bullying to continue for years. Tell your dd she is never going back. End of.

I would then organise home schooling for her, there are plenty of organised lessons and group meetings, You can start slowly.

In the meantime she urgently needs help through her GP. I would book an emergency appointment for her, and take it from there.

It sounds like she has had some kind of breakdown. Start by telling her no more school and she might come out of the airing cupboard, and she may start talking. You need to tell her you are on her side, you are going to do everything possible to support her. Dragging her into school in her PJs I am sorry to say will make it feel you are also against her as well. She sounds like she is right on the edge. Bring her back.

Don't send her back to school ever again. She has suffered at the hands of bullies, teachers for years and years poor love.
You both now need to get her well, and yes it will be a different life for a while, but there is no way you can continue as you are. No way in the world.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 10/06/2019 18:33

☝🏻 This. All excellent advice. This won’t go away.

MarshaBradyo · 10/06/2019 18:35

You poor dd. Can you home school?

She must be feeling traumatised she needs to stay away. If you can facilitate it.

Original poster

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 18:40

We've tried to home school her before but she refused(she hates anything new).The only reason I did it was because when she was refusing two years ago it got her back into the routine I felt awful doing it both times but this time it's not been a success. Once she can talk again I'll see what she says.

OP posts:

gubbsywubbsy · 10/06/2019 18:45

Does she have any medication ?

Original poster

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 18:48

Yes she's on lots for a variety of different things

OP posts:

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 10/06/2019 19:00

Have you seen a good Ed psych?

Original poster

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 19:15

Yep they didn't have a clue how to help

OP posts:

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 10/06/2019 19:19

Hence the word ‘good’! A teacher relative of mine was recently telling me that he often came up against very young and inexperienced (although well intentioned) Ed Psychs who were useless.

A private assessment may be expensive though - but can really help in dealing with the school and their lack of success.

trampolinebouncer · 10/06/2019 20:20

Tonight I would focus on getting her to drink something/come out the cupboard and over this week deal with the school issue.

If she was mine I would not send her back, she is trying to communicate something and if it was a job or work colleague demonstrating that level of anxiety we would probably advise her to leave. I know it is not easy and I know you know that her mental health is the priority.

In regards to tonight, does she have a phone if so can you text her in the cupboard with a simple message explains you love her, she doesn't have to go to school tomorrow, but she has to come out of the cupboard as the air is too hot. If no phone just write this on a piece of paper and at then at the end write when I have given you this, after two minutes I am going to open the door, I know you are upset, but you have to leave this space and we can make a cosy den in your room.

Hopefully this will get her into her room, if she likes music or a story tape or similar put something on in the background, leave a drink and fav food in her room - easy tempting stuff like crisps etc and then give her the space, but check on her.

Tomorrow I would see the GP to get help is she already under CAMHS etc? If not get a referral if so make contact tomorrow.

Slowly you need to unearth if something has been to trigger this term, but right now she just needs the balance of pressure taken off, space but also your comfort and closeness. All easy to write I know, it is very hard, take small steps and focus on tiny steps together.

Email or notes is a good way to communicate, does she have a pet?

Handhold -

Original poster

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 20:55

@trampolinebouncer she fainted in their due to dehydration so we carried her out got her to drink some water and put her in bed.Tbh I think it will be quite a while till she's ready to speak to us again.

OP posts:

Lougle · 10/06/2019 21:03

She may be feeling humiliated that she wet herself, too. She'll be traumatised by her experience. I think simple gestures with few words may be the most comforting - she won't feel the pressure to talk.

Original poster

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 21:10

She used to have selective mutism so I can't tell whether not speaking is a choice she's making. I've let her have Phil(the family dog)in with her I'm more concerned about her not eating now as she's not eaten anything at all day .

OP posts:

Lougle · 10/06/2019 21:42

I'm perhaps a bit ignorant about SM, but does it prevent note writing? What I'm asking is whether SM is about talking, or communicating? If she would write notes when she had SM, could you use that?

Original poster

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 22:10

Selective mutism is about talking but I think she's expierencing a shut down(e.g. not being able to think,talk,move ect)

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 11/06/2019 10:36

How are you all getting on today OP?

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