Really worried :(

[sparksfly]

Hi, I have started a thread on here before some people might remember the details. I had it deleted as I was worried it had been found, plus I got some difficult to read replies.

It's about my son, 15. I love him with all my heart. He left school over a year and a half ago and doesn't do much with his days. I have issues with his dad, my partner and am seeing Women's Aid regarding this.

Social services are now involved, plus CAMHS plus I'm under local psychiatry service. Just putting all this to give background.

He has an eating disorder but refuses any help for this. I'm a nervous wreck most of the time and worry about his health constantly. I'm worried about his sleep and that its a sign of something really bad :( oh god I'm so upset even typing this. He has such erratic sleeping patterns, it sometimes settles into a routine of sorts, where he sleeps about 6/7am and is up about 3pm - yes I know this is awful and I am a shit parent. I have been told plenty of times.

Over Christmas is got really unsettled and he was staying up through the night and then sleeping for around 7-8 hours during the day. He hates this as well and really wants to sort it out. He voluntarily left his phone in the other room and still struggled to sleep at night.

Then the night before last he slept for around 3 hours until 5am. He was up yesterday from 5am til he went to bed around 10pm and has said he fell asleep about midnight. Great! Except that today he really really struggled to get up and I had to go out so couldn't be around to keep trying to get him up. He finally woke up about 3pm. That's 15 hours sleep. And 3 the night before. He keeps asking me if that's weird and is saying he's worried. This has now got me worried, and my already sky high anxiety is horrendous. I'm shaky and nauseous and not coping.

Does anyone have any thoughts if this could be psychological or physical? Worried he's deficient in vitamins. I can't calm down I can't eat or drink. I should add he has quite bad social anxiety and is possibly on the autistic spectrum - a few professionals have indicated he may be and we're on the waiting list for assessment.

Please can anyone help?

I meant to say the leaving his phone in other room wasn't just recently but a while ago.

Autistic people often have great trouble with sleep. If this could be a problem then I would focus on getting a proper diagnosis as it will help you decide on the right way to deal with things.

Teenagers are notoriously bad with sleep patterns, late to sleep and late to get up are perfectly normal, but it does seem as if yours is worse than average. What are his days like? Does he have a mealtime routine? Does he go out, do any activities? He needs a regular routine day and night to make everything work well.

And are you getting help for your anxiety, which does seem to be much higher than average? Is it possible your anxiety is rubbing off on him?

I would be worried too, these sort of sleep patterns are really unhealthy. Can you try to introduce a healthier sleep pattern/routine? ie a bath/shower at 9pm, all electronic devices removed at 9.30pm in bed for 10pm. The adult colouring books and really help relax and settle you before bed. I appreciate that a 15 year old will not be happy about doing this sort of routine. Make sure he is up at 7am and busy throughout the day.

Can he apply to college? Get a job? Join a club/sports team? He cannot be left just lying around the house all day this will be adding to his sleep problems.

It looks like he has some mental health issues going on. Keep phining CAMH’s get him into counselling maybe befriending asap. I should also add that my eldest went through a very worrying stage at 15 was referred to CAMHs, didn’t sleep was constantly angry and he has now came out the other side fine.

Not sure any of us can diagnose. Best advice is for you to push for help from CAMHS and assessment for ASD asap. Offer to take any last minute cancellations for appointments so they know you are serious. If he left school at 13 or 14 are the local authority providing home tutoring? In the meantime set a routine that you all charge your phones downstairs at night and no one has them in their bedrooms. If you cant eat or drink with anxiety you need to be pushing for help for yourself and medication to help you cope whilst you get help for your son. Good luck.

You are anxious, it’s very hard to see the woods from the trees with that.

Yes his sleeping is weird! Him and loads of other people! Do you think you could convince him to see a sleep consultant? Could you afford to arrange one? In the short term I’d probably give him a multivitamin (for my peace if mind) and try to change the cycle together. Would he agree to go out with you every day at 11am? You could have a regular walk/cycle/swim thing together to get a proper routine going. Followed by lunch at 1. Good for mind and body too. He’d have to wake up and go no matter what time he’d slept from. Then no sleeping before dinner at 6pm. Then a TV series you start together to get him to 9pm. Then he can sleep when he wants but he must be ready to leave the house for the walk/exercise by 11am next morning.

Don’t be worried about this sleeping thing. It’s just a symptom of other things. But tell him you’re not worried, but that you want to work on it together and suggest a plan. Don’t pressure him to eat lunch and dinner but do build the opportunity to eat it into the routine. Small steps and try not to let the anxiety take hold. One step at a time.

The above is not necessarily easy to execute and may work some days and not others but you both need a plan I feel to keep yourselves on the straight and narrow.

Worth a try anyway. Good luck op!

Thanks for replies, I'm not doing too good at all. His days are unstructured, he just plays games and listens to music. He gets so upset and angry when I even try to discuss education, he has panic attacks when he goes out. I'm seeing my social worker just after New Year so will ask for more help. Also no the education authority washed their hands of us, I've even phoned and told them he is having no education at all and they didn't seem bothered.

NotWho glad your son is ok now, must have been such a huge worry.

He actually wants to get the sleep sorted, it's upsetting him as well. I'm on meds for my anxiety but need to push for more help it seems.

It all sounds very distressing - I am sorry for your worries.

You say he is 15 yet left school 18 months ago. He obviously didn’t leave school officially and must still be on the roll of some education institution. I say this not to pick holes in your story but to make he point that you should be getting some help.

Did he have any purpose to his day? I think If I had no purpose of my days for 18 months I would find it hard to avoid falling into poor patterns. And those poor patterns will take more than a few days to put right. It is likely to get worse before it gets better.

He needs to find something to do. Can he enroll on an online learning course? Would he local college do a distance learning option? What is he in to? I know that there are many online options via open university for young people. Anything which will give him something, anything to actually get up and beawake for.

Also, set your expectations low to begin with. Start with a waking time of a certain time then make it 15 minutes earlier every day. He did a great job with leaving his phone out the room. But that takes time to work. He needs to keep at it.

As a pp has said if he has ASD something like melatonin may be of benefit to him. Who is doing the assessment?

It is so very easy for an internet stranger to give advice but if you tip into anxious and panicked behaviour he will pick up on this and you will both struggle enormously. It sounds like his issues are complex and long term so ty to take deep breaths and look to the next small step

Auntie I really appreciate your message, thank you. I will try (again) to introduce a stricter routine, it's so hard to get him to go out. He could really benefit from fresh air I know this, and a multi vitamin too but he won't take one.

Do you guys think this sounds psychological/emotional?

sparks it is genuinely impossible to say. I work fairly closely with teenagers, some of whom have been outnof education for some time due to anxiety type issues. It is always really hard to work out what is actually happening. Like a chicken and egg situation really.

Why did he stop going to school? What happened?

I feel for you OP.... Your not a bad mum at all, you are stressed and anxious about your son and at the moment are in the middle of a big old mess!
CAMHS were brilliant for us and our son, push for an appt... Ring them and ask to be put on their cancellation list and take any date they give you.
Have you spoken to gp re his sleep? It's not ideal but maybe getting him back into a good sleeping pattern with sleeping tablets may help (not ideal at all but properly managed)
He needs to get off the games because they are keeping his brain active and will make sleep even harder. Try making a schedule, so long on, so long off etc. And definitely no gaming or phone after a set time at night.
He's anxious going out etc so how about getting him out in the garden? Is there anywhere local you could get an old pallet from - you could BOTH try and make something... Bird table, flower tubs etc that way you're both in a safe environment under your own rules with no chance of anything unexpected happening which will help get fresh air and build confidence/self esteem etc.
I've been where you are, my son has been where your son is although not as bad and we did manage to keep him going to school etc but it was so hard! We've come through and out the other side with the help of camhs and psychologist etc and I truly hope you & your son get some help soon. Sometimes knowing someone is on your side is half the battle xxx

Thanks passme yes he left school at 13 almost 14 due to being bullied constantly and the teachers not being able to control it. He also couldn't cope with the demands of school life, the size of the building and the actual work. he's a perfectionist and was so self doubting of his abilities there even though I was told he's extremely intelligent and could be a high flying student. He just didn't put the work in.

He has no interest at all to do anything educational, he says he's learned more since leaving than all his school years. There's no real purpose to his days, it makes me so sad. I try so hard to encourage him but he says I just make him more stressed when I do. His dad hates the school system and says he's glad he's out of it which doesn't help.

I've mentioned melatonin - he said no way. The teenagers you work with, do they ever have any of these issues? I'm so distressed it physically hurts, I just want him to be ok.

HappyBumbleBee I'm actually crying my eyes out reading your reply, there is so much kindness in your words. I fully expected to be called all kinds of names and was prepared for it - it's nothing I don't say to myself daily!

That would make my heart burst with happiness to try and create something like that with him. Our garden isn't great, it's a very very long story but our landlord is halfway through renovating it because it's quite big but there's land disputes and it's just not idea. I will have a think though about if there's another way to do something like this.

Glad your son is doing better now, what a hard time these teen years are! The issue with CAMHS is that he refuses to attend his appointments so I go alone or with my sister. His dad also encourages this, as he hates any outside help. Hence why SS are involved.

Yes, sparks. It’s not desperately common but I do work closely with a couple at the moment who present exactly as you describe.

Schools can be extremely challenging spaces even without bullying or the prospect of it. His school should still be very much involved with you at this stage. He is a long way from school leaving age and they need to be supporting him with finding a suitable path forward. I say that while also knowing how very hard it is for schools so I am not being judgemental of the school without knowing what they have done or continue to do. For example I am in regular email contact with the parents. I have done occasional home visits but that isn’t for everyone as it can feel invasive. I do need to hold regular review meetings though so do check in that this is happening.

I have just read SS are involved - they may have taken on the key role then.

Your son sounds like he is in a very challenging space and you are doing your very best. These issues don’t unravel over night so keep doing what you are doing. He will likely improve when he is ready to engage with the support services involved. Your gentle encouragement will help here.

As pointless as this sounds, try not to drown in your own worry. He needs you to be pretty robust. That doesn’t mean you hide your true feelings but try not to get sucked into his despair.

You are not alone in this issue at all. If it helps I have a caseload of 300 kids and 4 are suffering in similar ways to you describe to a greater or lesser degree.

Best of luck op