Has your dc attempted suicide?

[Evergreentree]

My eldest dc attempted to take his life two years on New Year’s Eve. Luckily I got him to the hospital before he died but only just. Now I have found the profound effect it has had on how I parent by other dcs. I know I am frightened, terrified the same thing might happen. But it’s affecting my choices for them, I know it is but I’m really struggling to not let it happen. The year before my son tried to take his own life my brother had and unfortunately he had succeeded. The thought of not realising my children are going through the pain that leads people to choose suicide it eating away at me. Every day I feel scared. I’m hyper vigilant and I feel like I have lost perceptive on what’s best for them as I just want to keep them safe but that’s not always the best thing is it’s. Is anyone else going through this? It’s getting worst as we approach Christmas.

I'm so sorry you have been through this bereavement and dreadful fear for your child; it must have been (and still is) terrible.

I've been hyper vigilant for other reasons, so I know how that feels, and you're right, it does get in the way of normal life.

I know it's easy to say and harder to arrange (pay for!) but I think you might benefit from counselling to work through your thoughts and feelings on this, it's hard to go through things alone.

Thanks Kleptronic I’ve had conunselling. What you say is true. It’s so draining isn’t it

Yes it is. Exhausting, draining and a full time job being afraid all the time.

There are unresolved things here affecting you deeply, and you're worried that your behaviour will impact your dc's lives.

Just because you've had some counselling doesn't mean you can't go back. Events like those often need several goes to process!

I suspect it’s some form of PTSD? Dd is 10 and has ASD. Since 6, she has regularly self-harmed and tried to kill her self. Two incidents stuck out in my mind: trying to deliberately swallow cling film to choke (which I had to wrestle out of her mouth when she was almost 9) and climbing out of the 3rd floor window. My problem is that I live in fear expecting the worse and wondering if we will get through the teenage years. I’m very nervous about parenting her through teenage years and already make massive allowances for what she gets away with compared with her 3 siblings.

Thanks Klep that’s true. Imip really feel for you. I have this awful sense of dread all the time. I live expecting the worst too. If he’s very late back from college my first thought is he’s done something. I keep replaying did I do something wrong brining him up and look at my other children trying to find ways to minimise the risk. I don’t want to live like this and I know I’m losing all perspective then I think if I’m not hyper vigilant and something does happen how unbearable that would be if you know what I mean?

That awful fear of dread in the very pit of your stomach is so horrendous isn't it OP? You've been doubly traumatised and it's no surprise you are feeling this terrifying dread that something else will happen to someone you love. I was badly traumatised some years ago and eventually diagnosed with traumatic grief disorder.
Medication in the form of antidepressants and a beta blocker really helped for quite some time. ( Counselling wasn't useful as the therapist wasn't really experienced enough with trauma. However if you found one who was I think it may make a great difference)
It's very early days for you, please be gentle on yourself

Thanks itsnow. I do use meds. I really think they are the only thing that keeps me going. You describe it so well that dread in the pit of your stomach .... exactly how it feels.