7 year old and negative thoughts

[UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername]

DD is 7, almost 8, and has been expressing a lot of negative thoughts lately. She has always been more than averagely anxious, but in the last few weeks she has been more and more down and negative. Today she asked me to help her to think more positively, and we had a lovely chat about how we would go about it, and a big cuddle, but ten minutes later she was telling her brother that she thought we would all have a better life if she wasn't around.

I'm so out of my depth with this. I don't know what to say to her. I might have a chat to the GP about it on Monday and maybe see about arranging some art therapy or something - would that be appropriate? She's really into art.

I'm so sad for her.

It's hard realising our children have inner lives which are not so perfect. You're right about art being a great way to deal with negative thoughts...it's one of the most amazing 'fixes' for being down. It's also great that she felt able to talk to you...they can't all do that.

Is she ok at school? Getting on with peers etc? Has anything happened in your family that has upset or worried her?

She loves school and is well able for it, but is a bit of a perfectionist. Her teacher actually banned her from having an eraser last year because she was unnecessarily redoing things so many times. She has friends; she does find social stuff a bit challenging but she never seems to be without someone to play with. Nothing big has happened that would worry her, but she seems to find enough small things to worry about to make up for that.

Could you find the joy in little things as a distraction? We used to have a chat just before bedtime and story to talk about the three things that made us smile today...we’d both do it, so mine might be something like ‘I saw a black cat asleep in the sun...he was lying on his back and looked warm and peaceful’ then ‘a neighbour stopped to say hello and liked the flowers in our garden...we stood and watched a bumble bee popping in and out of the flowres’ And ‘when I collected you from school and you told me about the story you had written and it made me laugh!’
This illustrates that very small things are enough to bring us joy. Plus (not every day but sometimes) include her as a source of joy...to show how her place is so important in your world

Definitely find out about school, friends and teacher. The GP is also a good idea. My son went through something like this at age 9/10 and when I finally got him to tell me about it, it turned out that his teacher had set him up for bullying and he had no friends and no support. I was scared he would do something to himself. That changed big time after I found out about it and gave the headteacher details of the problem. They were unwilling/unable to change his teacher so we changed his school. He was completely different in outlook after settling into his new school who really took care to improve his feelings about himself and school.

And also for you to make mistakes and not be upset with yourself when you do...just a ‘whoops!’ And a ‘never mind...we all make mistakes...sometimes that’s how wonderful things are discovered!’
(Penicillin, purple dye I think!)
Apparently Thomas Edison said ‘I’ve never failed, just found 10,000 ways it won’t work’ Errors aren’t wrong, weeds are just flowers no one has found a use for yet...I’m sure you can come up with more...if she can embrace that kind of thinking maybe she can be more comfortable?

Main thing is to figure out what’s bothering her (school is always a good start) while maintaining a calm and loving approach at home. Focus on positive experiences, don’t let her languish.

If no luck there, then maybe consider her development. If she has a very perfectionistic streak, is that indicative of anything? Any concerns about her development, particularly her social communication style?

We'll start the three positive things every day; we do a 'three things about your day' thing every evening in the car anyway so that's just a small tweak to it.

We've done loads about mistakes being fine, and about how everyone makes them. I laugh off all sorts of fuck-ups of mine! We have books with 'mistakes are okay' storylines.

I really don't have a clue about developmental stuff. Her teachers have all been perfectly happy with her.

Maybe look at some growth mindset stuff? And big life journal

biglifejournal.com

has helped us too. Both advocate the idea of mistakes being a good thing as they help us grow. She's probably a bit old for 'the girl who never made mistakes'
The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1402255446/ref=cmswwrcppapiIJujBbCPNAT5BB__

Which was really helpful for us.
Huge bag of worries
The Huge Bag of Worries https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0340903171/ref=cmm_swrrcpapii_FKujBbPGJX4H0

Is great too.

For my dd, I made a little poster to stick by her bed, listing all the things I love about her, and that love will never run out even when she's having a hard time and being angry, sad, etc. She sometimes rips it up in a rage but I always make her a new one.

Validating and empathising her feelings is really important- then problem solving together.