My father's blatant lack of giving a danm

[fedupwithselfishness]

First I want to say that I am a smoker myself, so this is not an anti smoking thread.

My dd (5yo) is asthmatic, she has the brown inhaler (preventer) and the blue (reliever). She has had these inhalers for 2 years now.
As a smoking mother (yes i did give up when i was pregnant), I take every precaution to remove the threat of third hand smoke and there she is never exposed to second-hand smoke at home. I smoke outside even if it's pissing it down or -13 (like it was in march), I wear a over-shirt which stays outside during the day and then into the washing machine on its own every other day, I then wash my hands, face and teeth/mouth immediately. I smoke about 20 a day and only about a 5 of those are when she's home from school.

My dad however, couldn't give a shit. He is a 40 a day smoker. He moans at me constantly about having to smoke outside at my house. Makes comments constantly about how I should get a builder to extend my porch and buy a patio heater, or if it's raining he'll say to me "well I better go home then so I can smoke in the dry". His coat absolutely stinks and I can smell it if I get within 2-3 feet of him to the point I refuse to hug him, my house sometimes smells of it when he's gone.
If I have to take dd to his house I always go the long way so we can go into the back garden first, where she stays, I've even to my shame got her to wee on a potty in the garden because I refuse to let her in his house, (u can see & smell it from outside when the door is open). His car is also a massive problem, even after I told him no smoking in the car with xxxxx he will still smoke when shes about to get in it in about 2 mins.

I don't know what to do anymore, I've tried talking to him and explaining that he is making his GD sick but he says things like "don't be stupid, I don't smoke near her" or "You're brainwashed girl". His other excuse that smoking isn't as bad as they make out, hes been smoking 55 yrs hasnt got cancer, and I'm thinking "yeah ok but, u stink, ur skins f***, you have barely anything that even resembles teeth in your mouth and ur always tapping me up for money"

Would you consider going NC? I have tried nc in the past after he was smoking in the house when we went away for the weekend but the saddest part is that my dd loves her GD and kept on at me constantly that she missed him.
Please any advice.

Forgot to add i am trying to give up myself but finding it really hard as support is not great in my area, plus having a father that blows smoke at me does not help.

Possibly.

I was a very asthmatic child. I even had a few hospital stays due to life-threatening asthma. Despite this my grandparents smoked around me constantly, even when they were visiting our (non-smoking) home.

It’s led me with a genuine dislike for them in my adulthood, despite the fact that they’ve been dead for decades. I’ll never understand how people can be so selfish with regards to a child’s serious health problem, especially if it’s your own grandchild.

You should also stop. The smell and the allergens will be on you whatever you do. You’re fooling yourself if you think you’re doing no harm to your child.

You do not have the moral high ground, as a smoker yourself...
No matter how much you wash hands / change clothes, etc, your dd will be getting some element of second hand smoke from you.
Your Dad can probably only see that you’re imposing restrictions on him whilst doing the same thing yourself.

@Paddy thanks, I know I need to give up, I do really well and get down to 2-3 a day but then something happens and it goes out the window... I've been trying to stop ever since dd was diagnosed with asthma. It makes me a massive hypercrit I know that.
I am working on it. I'm trying to get on the tablets but trying to get them seems impossible. I've done the gum, patches (which burnt me) and cold turkey (epic fail).

@imagrey Thanks for ur reply. I don't smoke in the house or anywhere near her so there's no 2nd hand smoke at home. 2nd hand smoke would be her directly inhaling smoke either that I've blown out or coming from the lit cigarette. I admit there is the risk of 3rd hand smoke, which I reduce as much as possible (while still being a smoker).
Not sure what else I can do to eliminate 3rd hand smoke, maybe wear a hat so it's not in my hair?? I took advice from the asthma nurse on how to reduce the risk and these were the things she said to do (most I did already).
My dad doesn't do anything to keep smoke away from her. If out in public he would lit up a cigarette with her stood next to him or if she needed her shoe lace done up, he led bend dwn to do it with the cigarette in his mouth, so my imposing restrictions on him isn't the issue. As I said to pp if he thought he could get away with it he would smoke in the house, in the same room as her.
My dd hasn't had a asthma attack at home in 18months, the only attacks she has had since, have been with my dad, at school or once a vaper exhaled as we were walking past and she breathed in a fair amount of whatever it is that comes out (not sure if smoke or some kind of talc)

Sorry to say, but you smoke a lot. I would be worried about dying and leaving your child behind. And you can’t blame lack of support, you have to do it yourself. For your child.

Is there a Giving Up Smoking thread on here?

You sound like you're trying your best, it's bloody hard.

I'm not a smoker but my ex smoker friends tell me champix is brilliant. I would have thought as your daughter is asthmatic the GP would give you every support to give up, so it's a shame if you can't get hold of them.

20 a day is a huge amount. You must be standing outside most of the day

20 a day is the very most (eg if a friend comes over for a coffee and it's nice we will sit outside. I smoke alot more when I'm in the company of other smokers).
I have tried giving up cold turkey but it was an epic fail.
We used to have a stop smoking 'shop' where you could go for support, advice and NRT but they shut down and was replaced by a vaper shop. Without being rude, it's all well and good saying I don't need support and I just need to give up, however it's not that simple, I am an addict, nicotine is a drug at the end of the day, and I've been smoking 18 years (minus 37 weeks while pregnant). I do need support, I've tried doing it on my own and have repeatedly failed.
My GPs not brilliant tbh and says I don't need them as I just need to find some will power.
Yes I've heard great things about champix and I don't know anyone who's used them who hasn't given up for good.

So I need to give up, I already knew that but what do I do with regards 2 my father who doesn't give a shit let alone try to reduce the risk??

Have you considered vaping?
My dp was a chainsmoker for years and years but has changed to vaping and his health has improved dramatically.
Get a decent kit and commit to a month of it x

Vaping is not a solution. While it 'may' stop the harmful effects to myself, my purpose is to eliminate the effects to my dd. Also vaping instead of smoking a cigarette is not giving up, it is simply replacing the means in which I get the nicotine.
Similar to heroin, Someone who injects it is at higher risk than someone who smokes it. With vaping I wld just be lowering the risk while still getting that fix.
I want to kick the habit not have my cake and eat it.

My dad wouldn't go for vaping as "smoking isn't the evil everyone makes it out to be"

Youre making excuses. Nicotine isnt what is causing your childs asthma. Its the other stuff in smoke.
Your children would massively benefit from you vaping instead of smoking and considering everything else youve tried has led to you still smoking 20 a day and failing to quit, I dont see why you wouldnt even try.

Vaping is a super easy way of stopping the harmful smoke, without causing you any discomfort in the interim.
Once youre vaping, its easier to reduce the strength of nicotine gradually until youre off it, and then deal with the psychogical compulsion/hand to mouth thing later, but in all this time, your health and everyones around you has already drastically improved.

Vaping is the way forward imo.

You don't know the impact of nicotine, even without the presence of the nastys in cigarettes, on the lungs obvs then? Nicotine actually irritates and inflames the lungs, more so with people (children) who have asthma.
My dd has had an asthma attack caused by the cloud from a vape pen, it may have been the amount or the brand, I don't know, but please let's not pretend that vaping is safe 2 do around children.

But anyway, as for my actual reason for posting, seems noone has any advice regarding what 2 do about some1 who doesn't do ANYTHING to prevent their GC from having regular attacks, so it seems it will b NC for her own good whether she likes it or not.

Also, slightly strange tht some1 thinks that me stopping smoking altogether would make my father become less "I don't give a shit" because it's obviously him seeing me tell him he can't do something when I'm doing it, especially since he was the 1 taking the piss out of me & being the embodiment of antisupportive when I gave up during pregnancy, doing things like blowing smoke in my direction or offering me a cigarette, right in my face and then saying "oh no sorry u aren't allowed to smoke anymore r u"

I think this wouldn't bother you so much if you didn’t feel very guilty about your own level of smoking.

excuses.
You wouldnt have to vape in the house

Youre smoking will be having much more of an impact on your dd than anyone.

If you give a shit, then give up

I can't believe you put on a special shirt and then wash it separately, and wash yourself and clean your teeth after every cigarette.
Wow. You are the servant of nicotine. It's running your life. You are nicotine's bitch. It has you jumping through every hoop there is.
Imagine what it'd be like not to have to do all that extra work every day? Imagine being free from the guilt. Bliss. And it's there for the taking. Your lungs will thank you every day. Read Alan Carr's Easy way to stop smoking. You don't have to stop smoking till you are near the end.

@holdme If I didn't feel guilty then his behaviour would bother me even more!

@branleuse so if it's my smoking, (outside, taking precautions etc) that is causing her asthma attacks would u like to tell me why it is that she hasn't had an asthma attack while with me in 18 months? Or why when I went NC for 2 months with my father last time, dd was taken off the preventer and only had the reliever as a "just in case" because her asthma was under control, despite being summer, with her hayfever at its worst and having a 2 week heatwave where nosebleeds were a everyday thing? Or why it was that a week of constant contact with her GF left her not only smelling like a stale ashtray, (2 the point an A&E doc confronted him about it), but in hospital because 10 doses of reliever didn't work & caused her to be put on oral steroids for 5 days and then back on the preventer? But yes of course, it must be some delayed reaction to me giving her a cuddle after I took off the shirt, washed my hands/teeth/mouth, except wait, I hadn't seen her for over 24 hrs because I was in hospital having surgery.
I hold my hands up to the fact I smoke, i readily accept tht it is not healthy and that she will get some 3rd hand smoke (most likely from my hair), but to say it's me causing her attacks when I'm the only 1 who does anything at all is bullshit. I asked a question about how to deal with my father and his attitude, u obvs can't (wont) help on that score so why are u here, this isn't AIBU u knw.

@sadie Yes, I am addicted to nicotine, her bitch as u so eloquently put it, however taking all the precautions I do takes barely any time at all, I don't need nor want any extra free time, I have free time coming out my ears while she is at school.

I have thought long and hard about what to do and after speaking with dd dad and my own GF I am going 2 speak with my father today and tell him tht if he wishes 2 continue a relationship with his Gd then he needs 2 start to prevent her having attacks like leaving his stink coat in the car and not continuing 2 puff away when she runs up to him for a cuddle. I have also had a look for stop smoking clinics near me and there is a walk in one that just about covers my postcode, so I will be making the train journey there tomorrow as they can write prescriptions for champix as well as other NRT and also signpost to other support services if needed. I AM determined to give up, I just need help, and I will not let anyone belittle me for having the balls to admit I need help

I can sympathise OP, my father is very similar. I am watching for ideas, I can’t even say to my dad as he takes horrible offence and sulks for days. He sees nothing wrong with smoking and literally smoked outside my bedroom door for my whole childhood. It’s an awful habit. I hope you get him to see sense.

It seems somewhat hypocritical to moan about your df when you have not managed to give up yourself. Your dd will suffer more from your smoking , even outside, than your df. You may think you are avoiding her exposure to it but the smell will be on your hair, hands, breath, skin and carry into the house. Find alternative ways to deal with stress, save some money and then you are in position to decide what tack to take with your df.

both you and your father should give up if the child has asthma.
Yes I would stop her from seeing somebody that didn't give a damn, but I'm just incredulous that you would continue to smoke and also go to all that effort and faff in order to be able to do it.

You need to stop your dd from being around your father if he won't take steps to protect her from his smoke. He's shown that he won't stop what he's doing so why are you still putting her in that situation?

As for vaping you are making a lot of excuses as to why vaping is bad for you and your dd when in fact the opposite is true. You should do more research.
There are trace amounts of nicotine or harmful substances released into the air from a vape, if you were to vape outside there would be nothing on yourself or your clothes that would harm your dd.
If you want to continue smoking that's fine but there's no point saying that vaping is just as bad or worse so you won't do it.
Vaping has been found to be 95% less harmful than smoking. That's not to say if you don't smoke at all then take up vaping as it has no effects but rather, doing it instead of smoking has huge benefits.